how long have i loved you?

it's been awhile.

2 years ago.

gosh...

where do i begin about the times that came after that? so much changes. so many travels. so many. but for now, i just want to say that perhaps it is time i pen my thoughts into words again. this feels great. a blank sheet. black ink. blinking cursor. the tap tap tap of the keyboard.

bliss.

welcome back.

collide

today has been a mixed bag of emotions.

annoyance. crankiness. excitement. overwhelmingness.

it's quite baffling how some people let their fear dictate the way they response to their surrounding. a simple nudge, pull and fix would have suffice but all this person could do was lay the blame, shut the door and bid adieu. it's a man made machine for goodness sake, i'm pretty sure we won't break the damn machine if we did as instructed clearly on the screen. and to strike fear like a child threatening to tattle to her mother, please grow up. you are old enough to speak your mind and not resort to "i'm going to tell so-and-so about what you're doing". respect is clearly not highly important to you because any ounce of respect for you has gone down the bin and here i was wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt.

and if that's not enough, another incident involving someone else. to snap at me in front of a child, who incidentally needed you by the way, not me, is beyond me. we work together. i don't work for you. i don't think that gives you the right to snap at me. there's a time to be cranky and there's a time to be professional about it. your professionalism in your workplace is clearly lacking and you've clearly been at it far longer than i have lived.

it's clearly not a generation difference. work ethics clearly doesn't exist.

/end of rant. 

it's December and the past 3-4 months have been one heckuva journey.

what i've discovered is that plans are just that; plans. they don't necessarily come to fruition the way we want them to. sometimes, straying far, far away from the plan brings with it a new perspective and a much better outcome than we can hope for.

it's been a chain of events that brought me to where i am today, on both a personal and professional level.

and the view is pretty amazing.

doin' dirt

mistakes are the easiest to make. finding the right one is the trickiest. it seems that the path laid out before me is filled with making one mistake after another. i seem to be building up a long laundry list of what i don't like and not what i like.

le sigh. 

i need to gather up all my strength and energy for tomorrow's heavy battle. i literally feel like i'm heading into war. psychological war more like. need to be self-composed and assertive. not a pushover. if nothing works for the better, there's only one way to end it. and truth be told, i'm ready for that ending. 

and this time, that's going to be permanent. like a tattoo. no turning back once the ink hits the skin. 

here's to making the next one count. 

knocked out.

sometimes, third time isn't always the charm.

nope. it's my third time now and am totally in deeper shit than when i first started. if anything, it's as though i haven't learnt anything from my past. how frustrating. 

to those who are reading this and have found yourself doing something you enjoy/love, good on you. i can only wish i will find mine soon. like when i thought i did but really didn't. i don't regret that because at least i tried and decided that it really wasn't for me. but now, for me to actually go back when i've repeatedly told myself and countless others how much loathe i had for it, it's unheard of! it's as if i've just lost that part of my life to denial and psyched myself into thinking i can force love it.

either that or i just love torturing myself.

one way of looking at this is that i'm learning the hard knocks of life. no school will ever prepare you for this.

better this than a relationship with a destructive lover perhaps?

oh, grow up. so what if it's tough work? deal with it. everybody else is.

 fuck this. 


need to organize my thoughts.

the grass was so green

i need to start writing down whatever pep talk and warnings i give to myself on a piece of paper so that i can look at it clearly and let it help me along the way.

i've made a mistake, yet again. jumped emotion first into a pool that i clearly have no intention of swimming in. i made a u-turn instead of moving forward and i guess desperation can do that. i have to finally admit now that i was desperate and slightly depressed about the situation i put myself in. i'm a highly emotionally charged person. more often than not, i let my emotions get the better of me. it happens one to many times which is why i need to put the words in my head into paper so that i can remind myself why certain things will never, ever work. ever.

ever.

but with every mistake made, comes experiences and lessons learned. this will be one mistake i will never make again.

here's to hoping for a fruitful and hopeful wednesday. my monday was definitely given a ray of light.

i am only young once and making mistakes is part of growing up. and right now, i'm taking a masters in growing up and taking charge of my life.

i'll follow you flightless bird

my love affair with the twilight series started when i first read the books. i bought the first book on a whim. read the back cover and was intrigued by the storyline. i must have swallowed it in one sitting because i was hooked and got round to buying the other three books in one swoop.

which was very bad for me. i started reading the series right around the time of my exams. this was back in my second year. oh boy did the books screw me over. i suffered, grade-wise thanks to my reading of the book and not enough of my textbook!

but that's water under the bridge now.

i can still remember the first time i watched twilight the movie. i was in the states then but i didn't catch the movie till almost the end of its run in the cinemas. it was literally empty save for the bunch of us but i could have imagined the throngs of girls screaming for edward/rob pattison as my friend regaled me with stories of opening night.

fast forward 4 years now and i've just finished watching breaking dawn part 1.

the twilight series is kind of a love-hate one for me. i gobbled the books up when i first read it but try for the second time? i could not for the life me turn the pages! it was horrible and that's maybe because i had let 'bad' reviews infiltrate my mind. even the movie was like a sore pain in my ass. the second movie was a huge improvement cinematographically and budget-wise and what a huge difference it was but the acting was horrendous! i'll take it in the first time but the second time? i want to take out the torn that's sticking in my thumb.

but i'm going to have to say that i quite liked the fourth film. yes, it's a lil slower than the others but the actors weren't so annoying this time round. kirsten stewart's characterisation of bella was much bearable in this chapter and taylor lautner's jacob and his bothersome/tiresome love from a not-very-far distance wasn't as annoying. i guess this has to happen seeing as they've been acting this part for 4 years now and spoiler alert wtf he has imprinted on a baby. half vampire-half human baby, seriously stephanie meyer?!

i thought that there would be more juice in the lovemaking scene but i guess there are 12 year olds watching this movie too so they had what they had. i guess the book had more action going on for it or at least that was how i remembered it. might just read the book again to find out what happens next.

despite some of my criticisms of the movies, i actually look forward to watching them. i'm a total fangirl really, just don't make me say it out loud. i also look forward to listening to the soundtrack every time the films come out.

i'm probably going to miss the anticipation of watching the latest twilight film once it ends this year. just like the harry potter films. but i've got the next series to keep me going; the hunger games.

i think i read all 3 books within a week. i even had to finish the last book on my flight to shanghai! i couldn't not finish it and wait the 3 months to come home to read it.

clearly i haven't left my youth seeing as i'm still actively reading YA novels.

roll

i first heard gotye's somebody i used to know while driving my mother to go look for outdoor furnitures. the opening beats of the song, according to my mother and in her words; hypnotic. i totally disagreed with her and was like wtf. there are hypnotic sounds and there are hypnotic sounds. this wasn't the case. at. all. super catchy beats lor!

save to say this song is now playing on repeat.

and i'm checking out the cover versions as well.



can't believe i haven't heard this song before till a couple of weeks ago! it came out last year for crying out loud! i pride myself in knowing the latest songs but sadly, i don't listen to enough radio anymore. some of the songs that i hear on the radio are like cats claws scratching the walls.

and maybe it's because i listen to lite.fm a lot because my mother blasts it in the house, i'm getting familiarized with music from the 80s. hello, gypsy kings!