Friday, August 06, 2010

cruise control

lately, there's been some complications. things were moving along fine. i'm going 90km/h and then from out of nowhere (blindspot wtf) this other option is moving along side me at 60km/h. now, i have to rethink the structure and possibly pave a new road. now listen here, it took me quite some time to actually move at the speed that i'm moving now. here i am slowly gaining confidence and then this moves into view and i'm forced to look at it and make way for it to cut into my lane. don't you hate options? don't you wish that you were just told what to do from birth so complications like this don't arise?

know your destiny. know your fate. know your path.

sounds like something spiderman's uncle would say. "with great power comes great responsibilities".

am i even in the right path? i'm beginning to see a pattern here. staying in this path, i may very well be here for life. deviate now and i might just find greener pastures. or not. see, this is where complications arise from. i'm at a crossroads.

i can only take comfort in the fact that i am still young. any mistakes now i can blame on my youth. but what's the mistake that i'm willing to make? i've already made one before. if it wasn't for self-sabotage, i might be in the right path. but there's no right or wrong. there's only what's right or what's wrong for me. so akhirnya, it's all down to me anyways. no one else. i am the one driving anyways. crash or smooth-sailing depends on me. my shoulders can't take it. my legs are turning to jelly. can't even think anymore.

where are the days where i can just cruise? jalan-jalan tak endahkan apa-apa.



Monday, August 02, 2010

bordering on vulgar.

my mother pointed out a job ad to me today, paying a ridiculous amount of money.

rm57,000

a month!

that is an obscene amount of money!


Wednesday, July 28, 2010

your silence is slowly killing me. oh yeah.

the month of july is coming to an end. this also marks the one month of me stepping foot into new territory AND surviving! people ask me how is work and the only thing i can say is 'so far so good'. because really, so far all is good. i am literally fish out of water. aiming to be in this one industry and then turning 180 into another direction. life is funny that way. i moved along thinking i knew what i wanted and working towards that but then comes a curveball from my blindside and i'm swept up in the current. i can only thank the BIG MAN up in the heavens because He has been looking out for me and guiding my way through and through. it's not all peaches and creams though cause there are days i find myself questioning what in the world am i doing here? the thought of quitting has come to mind many times but only for a moment. i've turned down a pretty good offer once without even giving it a chance to develop and i'm living in the aftereffects of it now. so no fucking way am i giving up so easily. sure, i feel like screaming and kicking and punching but the urge goes just as quickly as it comes.

like today.

wasn't exactly a top-notch day. today, i question myself, do i truly belong here? i never got an answer. cause there isn't one. we don't ever truly belong. we move. we float. we fly. we swim. we tread along dangerous waters. walking on the edge of a cliff. i can be one or the other, so what's to hold me down and tie me up? i feel like sometimes, life is overrated. i don't want to be all philosophical or critical about life but there are days when i wonder why we do the things we do? why is it so simple for some to move through life. living isn't easy but the journey that takes us through it...priceless. mastercard, hire me already wtf.

i was a little frustrated and a little annoyed, now i'm just tired and drained.



Monday, July 26, 2010

copa cabana

a weekend away from the city was just what i needed. to be away from the familiar. but not like i was entering into the unknown. going back there brought me back to the year before when i was still an undergraduate. but nothing more shall be said. what happens on the island stays on the island.

last year, i was learning to ride a bicycle. this year, i was cycling on my own to the town center albeit with a few hiccups here and there. i've got the bumps to prove it and it's not a pretty sight :(

i also rode on a banana boat for the first time! honestly, i was quite terrified at first. the thought of falling of the boat was enough to make me pee in my pants! then when the 'fall' came, i was like that wasn't so bad. sure, i had sea water in my eyes, mouth and nose but that's okay. i am now macho-fied wtf.

all the fun stuff was great and all but what struck me most was that, there's actually plenty to see and do right here. in the country. we went island hopping and i saw these natural rock formations that had rocks looking like a turtle, an elephant and a crocodile! dude, what's the Stonehenge or the Colliseum compared to this? i kid, i kid. they are two different things but all i'm saying is, take a weekend off and just drive to another state or take a ferry to an island. the island hopping activity was me being a tourist in my own country and it felt really nice to know that we have things to see and do too.

even looking from the outside into the luxury hotel made me feel that much more determined to earn enough to spend 1,500 ringgit for a night in that luxurious hotel. that or a night or two in the four seasons in langkawi. now that's living the life! no backpacking and budget nonsense. lifestyle upgrade, yo!

true blood season 3 is back :D i am torn between watching it online or watching it on hbo. wtf of course i'm not torn! online ftw rah rah rah. and i find it ridiculously funny that our local radio stations have to cut/censor the word 'whiskey' in Lady Antebellum's Need You Now. the word is just mashed up but we ALL know that they're saying the word 'whiskey'. what idiots!


Saturday, July 24, 2010

sunshine through my window

got myself a great parking spot.

had me some chee cheong fun for breakfast. got some loose ends tied up nicely. had me some good food for dinner. got mail and in it was free stuff teeheehee!

awesome possum day today.

Thursday, July 22, 2010

have my cake and eat it too.

some days, i just want to be left alone. do my own thing. watch a movie on my own. eat by myself in a restaurant and just not have to make conversation. just me and a book in a quiet corner where i can look up and watch the world go by. to be alone sometimes is the one thing we find hard to do but sometimes it's good for the soul.

sometimes it's so chaotic out there. and everything is just a blur. i need a moment of clarity. for that moment to just hit pause for a minute or two and then things can resume to the way they were. one moment of peace and tranquility and just silence and me alone with my thoughts. to make a little sense of what is going on. to know that i'm going the right way but even if it's the wrong way, it's okay. there's always a junction or the U-turn. but things move forward. time still moves on. days are counted down.

and we continue doing the things we do.

i think i'm just itching for it to be the end of the month. but i suppose it's that time of the month where all the senses are a little whacked out. the joys of being a woman.

Monday, July 19, 2010

for the love of films

i have hopes of one day making my own film because of you.

i have a grown a little love for local films and i HAVE seen more local films because of you. i even wrote my paper on a local movie which left such an indelible mark on me.

i appreciate films a little much more because of you. some of my favourite films came out of your class.

tiny effects you left in my views and ideas will be forever carried on.

the little knowledge i had about filmmaking was expanded in your class. storyboarding and scriptwriting left me wanting more. inspired to make my own film.

thank you, ben. you are what a university experience should be like. igniting that hidden passion.

thank you.

may you rest in peace.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

this is how i roll


when driving on the highway during peak hours, i came to realize that driving in the middle lane is faster compared to the fast lane. why is that so? to be honest, i don't understand why jams even occur in the first place!

cars are aplenty every hour of every day. but somehow or rather it's just slower and much more snail-paced than necessary during peak hours. and there's no particular reason for it cause after a 101 km of crawling along the highway, there's this sudden gap where cars can suddenly fly by! amazing like magic.

yeah sure, you can argue that it's jam during peak hours cause there's a higher percentage of cars on the road but it's a bloody straight road! and sure, there are exits left and right but then shouldn't the jam occur only on one side if cars are exiting on their respective sides?

NO. of course not. drivers like to cut in from the other lane when they are an inch away from the exit hence blocking the smooth flow of traffic. no driving ethics at all. if everyone played their part then jams wouldn't occur. then there would be no peak hours and traffic jams. even the word traffic jam is flawed wtf. traffic jam would imply that there's a traffic light somewhere, anywhere in order for there to be a traffic jam. highways don't have traffic lights! oh wait, i suppose the bloody red and green lights above them toll booths are considered to be one wtfwtf.

my other vice with driving is that of the motorcyclists. this is mainly on the main roads but i don't discount the highways cause somehow or rather they're there anyways despite having their own lane on the far left. they are like flies and i imagine myself to be the fly swatter. very annoying when i want to cut into the next lane. not only do i have to look out for the cars, i have to look out for them motorcyclists too and they come in droves. ZOOM ZOOM ZOOMING by you. want to cut into the next lane already but at the far back you can see this tiny figure on two-wheels looming closer and closer. you think you can make it in time to squeeze ahead of the car but that bike is just speeding in. then you waste that opportunity to squeeze in and thus have to continue crawling in your respective lane, awaiting once again for the next opportunity to cut into the next lane with your fingers crossed this time, please don't let there be a bike zooming by!

but being a tolerant driver, i control. anger management and yoga breathing exercises wtf. i kid. i have no road rage although there are times i wish to drive like them drivers in those video games where i can ram into the back of the car in front of me and laugh evilly like this, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

that'd be one less thing to do in my lifetime.

but despite my rant, i do enjoy driving. especially driving alone with good music playing in the background. and sometimes i especially like driving in the rain! somehow, it's very soothing and relaxing to watch the rain water splash and then swooshed away by the wipers. but most of all, i like the sound of rain and thunder. but those sound better when i'm under my comforter in bed with the lights turned off in the night skies.

what's best is what i saw after the rain;



i got really excited when i saw the rainbow! it's been awhile since i last one so i immediately whipped out my camera which was conveniently located on my lap. boys and girls if you're reading this, don't send SMSes when driving and use a handsfree when driving but only when stuck in the jam cause you're mostly crawling on the road otherwise DON'T even think of using your phone! it's been said talking on the phone when driving is the same as drunk driving. you're not concentrating on the driving anymore. VERY DANGEROUS! end of community service message.

seeing that rainbow made my day :)

Sunday, July 11, 2010

Ned. vs. Esp.

last match!

imma go to bed now and wake up early. for realz, yo!



Thursday, July 08, 2010

gerhana

during dinner, i was telling my mother that eclipse is showing today. she says no. it's showing on the 11th. i said, 'do you want to bet with me that eclipse is showing today?'.

she hesitated.

AH-HA! not confident, eh?

we dropped the subject.

after dinner, i was flipping through the papers and came across the eclipse poster with a big header at the bottom SHOWING NOW. i pointed it out to my mother. 'NAHHHHH...SEE!'

o_O

i thought you were talking about the sun/moon eclipse! how i know you were talking about the vampire/werewolf?

+____+


booyeah!

2.29AM i snoozed till 3AM.

15 minutes of first half baby. if you placed your bets and won, you can give yourself the satisfaction of knowing that paul the octopus is not the only one who can predict.

netherlands ftw.

Wednesday, July 07, 2010

'hi, are you awake?"

i had a fml moment today.

it's world cup season now. semifinals going on. gung-ho me wanted to watch the Netherland vs. Uruguay match. so i set my alarm for 2.30AM. of course, it rings. and of course, in deep slumber i was 'fuck it, i need my sleep' and shut the alarm off. then came the vital alarm ring. my 6AM wake up call. of course, i snoozed it. and the next rings after snoozing it. final wake up call came from my mother* at 7.20AM. FML.

*yes, my mother called me through the phone. one of the wonders of technology.

i woke up late not because i was watching the match but because i woke up too many times to snooze the damn alarm.

seriously. only ridiculous things like this can happen to me.

but i am going to be optimistic and take something from this. now i know that if push comes to shove, i can get ready in 10minutes. from jumping out of bed in total and absolute shock to being presentable for work. and if that's not good enough news, i also managed to get to KL in time, leaving my house at 7.45AM!

tell me laa, how am i not a rockstar after this? if i can fit everything into my luggage and drag it down the stairs in York and get to KL in time for my training at 8.45AM, i should have my name in the rock&roll hall of fame already!

ps: i am going to push my luck tonight. i definitely want to watch the germany vs spain match so i will head to bed before 10PM i swear and wake up at 2AM, suit up and watch the match. sleep on the couch and dash to work at 7AM. is that a PLAN or what? i is brilliant.

pss: we'll see how it goes. place your bets wtf.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

say what?

i fell asleep on the couch watching two and a half men. woke up, took my shower and finally took everything out from my bags. now my table is a mess. whatevs. i'll deal with them tomorrow.

i unpacked with a heavy heart because that meant that my holidays was finally, officially over. after many months of carefree days, i now open up a new chapter of my life.

jolly good.

but i'm not exactly up and about trying to prepare for tomorrow. instead i'm busy youtubing songs from Les Miserables! sighhh watching it on youtube makes me want to watch it again live!

bahh.

Saturday, May 29, 2010

confusion says...

i am taking a break from thinking. thinking of what to bring and what not to bring. i keep thinking i will need this and that but then i sit and think harder and now i have 2 different thoughts on whether i REALLY REALLY need it or not. then i get confused and throw a hissy fit. which leads me to blogging so i don't have to think. which is ironic cause i STILL have to think. cause now that i think about it, typing it out only makes matters that more tangible and not just in my head anymore. what am i blabbering on about?! aiyaya. fuck this shit. imma go to bed now.

Saturday, May 22, 2010

made up of choices.

just had the most exhilarating 80 plus minutes. i cried and wiped tears on the sleeves of my shirt because i didn't want to press pause and get up to get the tissue.

THAT is why grey's anatomy is my all-time favourite series. ALL-TIME! i cried and laughed and my heart was pumping all in ONE episode. who does that?! who can do that in ONE episode?! shonda rimes you rock. you absofuckintutely rock.

jesse williams, you can look into my eyes anytime. ANYTIME.

Tuesday, May 18, 2010

popped.

as a friend, good news should be received with encouragement and support. not a straight letdown that brings a high to fuckin' down low. a burst to a bubble. splashing a bucket of freezing cold water into ones hopes and dreams. you may not be sincere about it but have the decency to say a kind word or two before you step, spit and condemn. it's only polite. wouldn't hold it against you anyways. but to undermine and then inject sarcasm into words you think sound encouraging only makes it worst and reflects what kind of a person you are. sure, it's known fact that negativity is what drives you. never held it against you. in fact, it's part of you. as a friend, it's become your 'charm', so to speak. but as a friend, the least you could do was pretend to be happy. for one day. then you can condemn and spit all you want another day. i wouldn't have cared as much. it's just unacceptable. i'm not saying that you can't voice your opinion on the matter but there are times when some things are just better left unsaid.

i guess it's hard, eh, to keep something to yourself. especially in times when opinions and comments on everything is rampant. gotta say something, anything, to stand out. social settings and situations have protocols too. you can't learn these things, so i guess it can't be blamed really. being a little more aware of what can or can't be said is probably a skill you will have to learn with time. for your sake, i hope it'll be sooner rather than later. it's one thing to not have a kind word to say. but it's another to give off the impression that you are holier than thou. not everything in life is peaches and cream. we would be in utopia then. fact of life is hardships are abundant. if things were so easy, stress free, why bother slogging away in school studying for hardcore exams at such an early age only to face rejection after rejection in life. i hope you realize that things have to start from somewhere. some have it easy and some have it hard. cest la vie. to give up after facing ONE hardship, i wish you the best in life. life is one hardship after another. it's not the hardships that define who or what we are. it's how we overcome them and come out triumphant on the other side of it all. stories you hear cannot and shouldn't define and mold your thoughts and views. i know. i allowed it to take control once. but i learn from it. and am in a better position now because of it.

it's your attitude. why be so negative? you're not even cautious or fearful. you just take the bad and go with it. letting the bad overtake and lead the path to your glory. i shouldn't even be surprised by what you said. looking for the best in a person when really, sometimes there just isn't. and that's not really my problem, eh? we're still friends because i'm not one to hold grudges. knowing who you are as a person, your character and attitude, i don't hold it against you. but it hurts, not gonna lie about it. words hurt. they hurt worst than a slap in the face or a punch to the gut. bruises heal. words remain forever. in the mind. and the mind is a dangerous thing. a very dangerous place.

Monday, May 17, 2010

stop the chit-chat.

i just did a 180 degree turn. like hello, i never would have imagined myself in this position. i'd tell you but i don't want to.

trials and tribulations happen. if they don't kill me, they only make me stronger. when one door closes, another opens.

bliss.

Thursday, May 13, 2010

greater things to come.

things work out the way they do for a reason. only time will tell how things will be panned out. still optimistic and hopeful. not as down and out as i thought i would be. the big man upstairs knows what's going on. i don't, but i live on the faith and hope that what's happening now will lead to greater things to come.

what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

word.

Wednesday, May 12, 2010

the middle of the week.

WEDNESDAY IS HERE!

the longest week will finally come to an end. i have found inner peace within myself ohhhhhmmmmm.

Monday, May 10, 2010

make or break.

last week i said 'this will be the longest week. ever.' today, it'll be the longest 3 days ever. tomorrow, it'll be the longest 2 days ever. and the story goes on.

despite me having doubts and uncertainty, the future suddenly never seemed brighter. i sincerely hope that this will be it. no more other uncertainties. but to have a mental and emotional breakdown on that day; suicide and self-sabotage :( i can only hope for the best and see that my light shines through till the very end.

and i pray.