the most productive i've ever been.

wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be :)

and the email? well, one of them replied so hey, at least i know that they'll look at it, maybe.

it's a good day today :D

first.

i have 2 unsent emails in my inbox which i just wrote. another job application. up to date, i don't know how many emails i have sent. i could count them but i don't want to burst my own bubble just yet.

3.30pm. my first interview later. i am feeling calm, cool and collected. watching youtube videos on how to go about a job interview helped (thanks, Alex!) and some helpful tips from Sook Yan yesterday makes me breathe a little easier.

with regards to the 2 unsent emails, i will probably sent them out later, after my interview. or maybe i should just send them now. yeah. i'll do that.

clouded, shrouded.

i've got myself an interview this week. not too thrilled about it cause the position offered is not of interest to me.

so the question is, should i go for the interview anyways just to get the feel of it or screw it and wait expectantly for the email/phone call from the other company to tell me i can attend the first round of interviews? the reason for me wanting to bail out of this current interview is because i'm not interested in the position. i tried getting for more information from the website but there's just not no relevant information especially pertaining to the job description. and that's where the other company i'm really hoping for a reply for wins cause they're site is just bursting with information and right now, after reading through the site, i feel so pumped up and ready to just impress their socks off that i can already feel the job in my hands. but, i have to wait for the green light to move on the next step of the process.

part of me just doesn't want to go through a tough process just so i can turn down the offer. i don't want to waste my time and the employer's time when i already know where i stand in the decision making. but then, i have NEVER ever experienced an interview before. from what i heard, the interview process takes an hour +___+ so this would be good practice, yes for the other job/hopefully. honestly, i don't think i've ever wanted anything so much. the olympus pen doesn't count wtf. at this point, i am VERY reluctant to go for the interview and just put myself up for disappointment. if i don't feel like i want the job, i won't be giving my 120% in it, going above and beyond to impress. and the thing is, my summer trip is just this big block in my path now. so i can either apply after returning or apply now and set myself up for disappointment. times like these, i wish i was still in uni, fretting and stressing over assignments and deadlines.

there are still many other places i have not applied to and yet, i seem to be so intent on harping on that one company. i just feel really impressed and confident in the way they work. and i hope by getting through to the interviews, i can find out more about it. but i should still keep my options open, yes? sigh.

all i can do is pray about it and ask God to impress upon me the right thing to do.

lemonade

my english. FAIL.

hello, i don't know the difference between adjective and noun and preposition and whatever lingo English loves to term their words. a word is a word, no? i only know verb :D

definition: to describe an action.

the rest can go and flush themselves down the toilet bowl.

my dear brother today, of all days, wanted my help on his english homework. on the days that i DO want to help him, he doesn't want my help. but today, he solicited my help. what can i say? don't do your homework. homework's for losers wtf. of course not. and today's homework was underline 3 adjectives in each sentence. i think there was 10 sentences. WHUT?! 30 adjectives?!

i shall be shameless and just tell you that i had to type adjective in my search bar and look up the definition of the word adjective. urgh, saying the word adjective makes me want to nunchuck that word and kick it's sorry ass to timbaktu. now, timbaktu is a word that rolls nicely of your tongue, don't you think?

but then i do so often come across words that after a long time of looking at them, come of as weird. like the spelling and pronunciation of the word makes no bloody sense. and then all is well again when the earth turns on its axis and gravity is restored and i see the word and familiarity hits me right on the spot.

i watched bits and pieces of idol gives back. the last 40 minutes of the show and the first 20 minutes perhaps? yes, in that order. you gotta love starworld for broadcasting the same show twice. why didn't every other channel think of that? oh, right. cause they screen it again at a later time. which was why i got to saw the last part first and the first part last. then i couldn't go through with it anymore cause my mother was busy rectifying the mistakes i made with the adjective homework 0__o i had to hide in my room to avoid the onslaught of vicious adjectives my mother would have thrown at me if i were to continue to be in the near vicinity of easy attack. hiding has saved me and my bruised ego.

where was i? oh, yes. idol. i cried watching some parts. then i switched to oprah during the commercial breaks and cried some more. i don't know about you but oprah can bring on the water works whenever she talks about real life stories about real life people. not plasticky, celluloid people although they do sometimes. i cry when i see kids in pain and not being able to be kids like their supposed to. the kids in idol gives back, breaks my heart. truly. and the sad story of how nine special kids lost their parents to murder, what kind of world do we live in?

we've gotta treat each other right.

on a more lighthearted yet absolutely majorly crucial topic, i need an aim. a target if you may. for life in 5 or 10 years time. i've gotta start working towards something, eh? what the hell do i want? people ask me 'so where have you applied to?' i give my reply and then it hits me, i NEVER applied to this one industry which before graduation, i was really quite gung-ho about and i never applied to another industry which i quite fancy doing. and then i get a call from a corporate company and suddenly i find myself wanting and coveting to climb the corporate ladder. now all i think about is jobs jobs jobs.

it's comforting to know that i'm not alone in this. i may the last one in my batch to find a job but hey, who's competing?

not yet. the race is just beginning.

cue the jeng jeng JENGGGGGGGGG

burp.

bit off more than i could chew. now i have a bloated stomach to thank for.

what to do, i couldn't resist the bubble tea. we rounded the area for what felt like an hour but was probably only 15 minutes. every car before us found a spot. we were one step behind. we were THIS close to giving up and going home but our perseverance paid off albeit parking illegally and having the law enforcers one street away. the lure of the night market was just too strong.

pasar pagi

loud announcements and pop music blared from the school field next door, making a slow waltz into my slumber, gradually increasing it's volume and transforming it's unwanted presence into a full-on hip-hop dance routine complete with head spinning on ground, totally defying gravity (how can your entire body stay in the air and how can your head support your body?!! oh to be a hip-hop dancer). i woke up at 8am, giving my mind a shock. blurry eyed, i shut my eyes. but of course, nobody can stop the hip-hop. nobody!

15 minutes of tossing and turning, i got up with zombie-like movements, stomping my way to the bathroom and splashing cold water on my face, returning to human form. damn you sports day! the school was having their sports day, fyi. hello, what happened to having sports day in the majlis perbandaran compound?!

so what to do when awake so early? go to the market. this little piggy went to the market. this little piggy cried weeweewee all the way home wtf.

and i was horrified. they were selling live chicken :O they'll pick the juiciest chicken and then slaughter it right then and there :O it was damn painful to watch. they'll hold the chicken by the wings, weigh them and then...the process begins. the chickens were clucking in pain. my face showed a picture of horrification. i thought markets sold chickens that were already plucked and slaughtered. not in cages, awaiting death at the market place. i wish i didnt see that.

and the smell of the morning market? smelt of blood and guts. the floor was splashed with drops of blood, like a scene from CSI. that's the smell i hated when i was young whenever my mother asked me if i wanted to go to the market.

guess what? i still hate the smell.

head in the clouds.

the most grown-up thing i've done since graduating, is attending a career fair. online applications can only do so much. at least now i know they have physically accepted my resume. it was a day of selling my soul to the highest bidder like i was selling kitchen knives door-to-door. nothing much went on. it was like a 'we're hiring. drop your resume in the box along with hundred other resumes. thank you'. they had boxes for us to 'drop in' our resumes like we were dropping in our name cards in hopes to win a free lunch from nandos.

in the field that i am in, not much of a choice. engineers and business kids on the other hand will feel like they're five and have access to all the latest toys in toy's R us. there were however a few that stood out so at least it wasn't all lost. a couple of broadcasting media companies stood out for me :D would be heavenly if i could score something in either one. there was a newspaper company there that didn't bother to approach us despite us walking into their booth. well, whatever. i don't read your papers anyway.

3 hours, 5 resumes and 2 auditions later, i feel productive. at least i'm one step closer to contributing to the economy and encouraging capitalism in one form or another. not that i'm not doing so now so what am i saying? i'm one step closer to paying the water and electric bills, that's what i'm saying.

it was rather appalling though to see kids in jeans and t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops going to a career fair. you're not shopping for a new pair of shoes, idiot! if that's not enough, there are kids who didn't come with their resumes!!! wtf is this the circus? why go to a career fair if all you're doing is setting yourself up for disaster? aren't you the least bit embarrassed when asked if you have a hard copy of your resume and you say no. i think having being asked if they have a soft copy of their resume takes the cake. can have the cheek to say no. go slap yourself in the head. people are looking for jobs here not a holiday to the caribbean. i guess priorities are different.

there were kids on the other hand who went all out, dressed in their suits and formal wears. hello, that's the way it should be. maybe the suit is a little too much for a career fair but that shows an effort. better overdressed than under-dressed!

but dressing aside, i guess we've gotta make an impression. a lasting impression. and boy that ain't easy. a firm handshake. a solid tone of voice. an air of confidence. a winning smile. eye-contact that shoots lasers. resumes that stand out. i had a lady asking us to send her an email, convincing her why she should hire us.

wahh. reality check. we're the not only ones in this position.

conversations with madness

if life can be arranged in a neat and organized order, then life's just going through the motions like a steam engine chugging down the railroad or a coffee-maker grinding beans to the sound of my heartbeat.

life's meant to be lived. in random movements and conversations. in spontaneous acts of declarations. lived as if you've drank 21 shots of tequila. eaten a tub of ben&jerry's just cause they make you feel like walking on sunshine. life's meant to be crazy, out of control. live not in fear but in the excitement of the unknown.

today, i took out my black 20 pocket clear file holder to get my life organized. arranging my achievements from present to past, from highest to lowest. life in order, in linear, in sequence. no random splash of blood and sparkles. no coffee stains and hidden lipstick stains in the corner. achievements that don't mean a thing when i realize that there's no cigarette burns on my fingertips. no love bites to mark the coming of age. no summons to scratch the surface.

i finally bought myself a file to systemically organize and arrange my qualifications and achievements from highest to lowest. damn, this is where i grow up. mentally and physically too wtf not sideways, i hope. given up on vertical already. i've reached my maximum height.

baby, if i've got you, i don't need no parachute

hi. today, a couple of decades and then some years ago, i came out of my mother's womb, kicking and screaming. at least that's how i assumed i came out. but that's beside the point. the point is, i came out and here i am today many many years later.

feels like yesterday i celebrated my 21st and lo and behold, i'm 22 now. can't escape the fact that i am no longer a young and reckless youth. not that i was one in the first place but i would like to imagine that i can be one but age has caught up wtf i sound like i'm old. but not. i is still young. and not the young-at-heart kind of young.

i've said my thank you's and given out free hugs but no words can truly describe the love i feel from each and every individual who took the time to wish me a happy birthday.

i feel blessed <3

so carerfuhh

this afternoon i caught the last 5 minutes of the hairography episode of glee and was brought to tears when they sang cyndi lauper's true colours. the whole simplicity of it, sitting on the stools in a row and just the lights as backdrops and their voices as instruments made for a compelling and powerful performance, in my books.



the singing was theatrical enough without the hair swinging and booty shaking :P which is why the song is playing on a loop now :) and the lyrics are really pretty too and not because the word rainbow is in it wtf.

FTS i am fuckin' hungry and it's 1.40 AM now!!! there's an orchestra playing and it's not the MPO, is all i'm saying. and i have this barely there cough which is driving me insane because i was kept up all night with an itchy and sore throat which is thankfully bearable now, almost non-existent actually. but the barely there cough is there and that's just as bad. but i will drink my 8 glasses of water a day and eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away!

easter is coming up! let's not be sidetracked by what this day is all about. no, it's not about easter eggs and chocolate bunnies though they do lend a festive air to the season. just save a prayer for our nation. our country needs to be prayed for more than ever now.

a spoonful of sugar can't make this bitterness go down.

i'm feeling a lil' bitter. nothing major. don't worry, the earth is still spinning and gravity is still intact.

but really. REALLY?!

i'm still feeling bitter. but hey, i'm moving on to better things. like my own travel show, yes lips? we can really really work on our NatLi video in june :D

i feel much better now.

i play it off but i'm dreamin' of you

i've got a song stuck in my head and no, it's not justin beiber's baby :p

i try by macy gray.

i tried to say goodbye and i choke,
tried to walk away and i stumble,
though i try to hide it,
it's clear,
my world crumbles when you are not there.

the chorus came to me this morning. in the car. as i was singing the chorus in my head, i got stuck at though i try to hide it, it's clear cause colbie caillat's the little things was playing on the radio. i had to put my hands over my ears to try and find the words to ms. gray's song and also tried to sing it out loud/whisper so my mum won't think i'm mad. but couldn't. ohmygawd do you know how frustrating it is to have the words at the tip of your tongue but because of the other song constantly penetrating my flow of thoughts i couldn't figure it out. till i stepped out of the car. then the words came right out of my mouth faster than you can say i try.

gotta say, i didn't like the song when it came out. but years and experience have changed my view. so the question is, where is macy gray at now? she's been missing from the biznez.

she's my winona

remember as a child, you would dream of that barbie dream house that your parents just refuse to get for you? you would go to bed dreaming about it and then you would wake up all excited and run down stairs like it's christmas morning and santa has just brought in the mother load. you have a big wide smile plastered on your 5 year old face and you will quietly and quickly descend the stairs in your pyjamas, only to find reality slapping you in the face. oh fudge, it was only a dream. and then you go up to your room feeling dejected and maybe slightly embarrassed but thankfully no one was awake to witness it.

yeah. childhood. how i miss thee so.

many times as i grow older, i dream dreams. dreams that make my heart aflutter. dreams that make my heart pound. dreams that make my heart cry. not cause it was a bad dream but cause i had to wake up from it. i could never dream the same dream again. it only happens once and then poof, it's gone. stored temporarily in my memory bank only to find itself slowly seeping away, fading into an abyss. but then somedays, the dreams just come back and hit me, unconsciously and then i try as hard as i can to remember details about the dream. but with each try to fill in the blanks, i change the dream and then i end up creating something new out of the old, eliminating whatever memory i had about the old dream.

i gasp for air. my grip loosening. images fading.

if only we can burn dreams into a dvd and watch it whenever we want. how did stephenie meyer do it?! (she dreamt of that scene in the meadow and look at where that has her led to now, robert pattinson and taylor lautner; shirtless). not that i want to write a book from my dream although sometimes when i take a nap, it feels like i've just watched a james bond movie! i kid not. i've dreamt of car chases and kidnapped plots in my nap times +__+ i could make a predictable action flick from it wtf.

there are some dreams where i just want to keep but memory just won't allow it.

screen fades to black. the curtains call.

shhushhh.

i have an unhealthy obsession with cheryl cole. probably from reading about her up-to-no-good husband who surprise surprise, went sleeping around. is this what it has come to? men sleeping around. married men, at that! has it become the norm? from the constant spotlight of such infidelities in the media, i think it has slowly become an acceptable and dare i say it, expected act to happen.

x marries y. give it a few months, x will appear in the papers for sleeping with z. x and y work it out. suddenly a whole list of names start popping out like unpop-ed popcorns!

i don't have to mention names. you all read about it in the media. it happens to the best of men. and women. you would think that having everything and i mean everything what with the vast amount of money that rolls in that they would be happy and contented with life. but they prove us wrong. so i guess it's true then, money can't buy happiness. sex can. are we screwed up or are we screwed up? the poor are still poor and the rich are getting richer but they don't just want the fame and glory. they want to be shamed and embarrass themselves and their families as well. who do we blame for these heinous acts of infidelities? the married man? the seductress? the wife who got cheated on? the poor, innocent, misinformed vixen who got tricked into the affair? the young and naive underaged girl who can't tell right from wrong? fingers get pointed. cameras are aimed and focused. people play the blame game. people play the hate game. then it dies down. we learn to forget and begin to welcome these individuals back again. the past lies where its supposed to be.

which is why it's slowly becoming acceptable. people need to talk. people need to be talked about. people love reading about it. aren't we all to blame? nobody can tell when acts of infidelities happen. they just do. in the heat of the moment, men forget about the vows they made. seductresses feel empowered and in control. passion. lust. human nature. we want what we can't have. and we do get it, we keep it a secret. not because we want to but because we know it's wrong. wrong things are meant to be kept secret. not the good ones. engagements are not meant to be kept secret. pregnancies are not meant to be kept secret but they do. unapproved love leads to secret engagements. unwanted pregnancies leads to secret pregnancies. we keep secrets because they're detrimental. to the keeper of the secret. to the person who's not meant to know about the secret. and yet therein lies the excitement. suddenly life seems to have an extra burst of colour. there's an added spice to life.

but then there are some secrets that can't be kept. like how you know someone should not be in a toxic relationship but they just won't listen to anyone despite how everyone is telling them that it's wrong. what do you do? let them continue on in that relationship until it's too late. what do you do? sit in the sidelines and watch? fear the loss of friendship? fight for it till the person sees the truth? the secrets out of the bag. then what?

and then there are secrets that are good. great. inspiring even. secret surprise birthday parties. secret admirers which can be seen as creepy on the other hand but i'm not talking about that.

where was i? oh yes. cheryl cole. don't know much about her. just that some of her songs are growing on me. and i just love them british accents!

fight for this love is on a loop on radios. quite ironic really. she sings about it and yet look what's happening. divorce in the works. splitting of assets. a very sorry husband who's apologetic about his cheating but not fighting for this love. marriage isn't sacred anymore. it can come as easily as it goes. a trend that will never grow old.

but they'll bounce back and rule a small piece of the world. and life goes on. we move on from the pain. the embarrassment. and we rock the next thing that comes into our life.

secrets are revealed and new ones are kept but we continue rocking on, with spotlights and adoring fans.

'muchness' very much there

i don't know why people are dissing the movie alice in wonderland >:(

i absolutely adore it! i'm guessing the visual orgasm people got from avatar brought the damper on alice's visuals, well boo to you. avatar was made to be visually orgasmic. alice on the other was made to tickle your funnybone/senses/tastebuds and all that is able to be tickled wtf. it was quirky and i loved it.

so much so that it's my mozilla persona! you can get them here.

best thing i discovered ;) now my mozilla header/whatever you call it don't look so dull and generic.

we grew up too fast, too soon

it started out like any other sundays. except today, i woke up super duper late +__+ but managed to get ready in time :D i is superwoman.

i ate breakfast and came home. read the papers, i love the sunday edition. so many pages! except for the newest addition. it's an english paper for goodness sake. it should remain that. if i wanted something else, i would have gotten something else.

got the call to go for lunch and my adventures began wtf. it was a productive day cos i bought 2 books and got a truckload of disney classics :) honestly, we actually wanted the disney cartoon version of alice in wonderland cos we watched it so long ago that we only have bits and pieces of it stored in our very limited brain capacity. but they didn't have it and we are damn upset but we shall persevere and continue looking for it! RAH RAH RAH \0/

so we ended up with the other princesses. just as well. we're trying to get back in touch with our childhood past times. which reminds me of the wongfu productions weekend episode! check it outs



haiyoo so kiut la.

it's not hogwarts but it's all gooood...

the golden man

did you guys catch the oscars on tv? i did. it's been awhile since i last watched an awards show. i used to follow ALL of it. the grammy's, the golden globes, mtv video awards etc. then i just stopped. today however, i watched the oscars. i didn't plan on it but i was channel surfing and bing bam boom, i was just in time to catch the red carpet. and another bing bam boom, it was the awards show itself.

and boyy did the stars all look glam-ed up!











but i really liked the part for when they were talking about the nominees for the best actor and actress, where their fellow co-workers? peers? give intimate glimpses into the person behind the characters. i thought it was really sweet and has a nice personalized touch to the whole drama rama that awards seasons brings. and i believe it's also nice to hear your peers acknowledging your work and you, as a human being, character and all.

i haven't watched any of the nominated films except for Up! and avatar. i really want to watch inglourious basterds, blind side, up in the air and the hurt locker. the hurt locker because well, i just got my hands on it and just to see what the fuss it's about. blind side cause it's sandra bullock's award winning role, yo! she should have won for her role in the proposal. that was some funneh shyt.



it was great to watch kathryn bigelow win best director. first ever female director to win. that's the shizznit! inspiring stuff. beating her ex-husband, james cameron too! the dude who created his own frickin' world and language and just upped the level of movie-making. inspirational indeed. makes me want to direct my own movie.

undisclosed desires

le sigh, i just remembered about a pair of shoes i tried on today. so pretty but so expensive. rm389 +____+

i love pretty shoes but then i always end up prioritizing comfort over style. blisters are my number one nemesis when it comes to pretty shoes. so i always end up wearing flats. all the time. but i'm trying to wear my heels more often. break into them so i don't end up hurting. otherwise they'll just sit in the closet and become a white elephant that i only imagine wearing.

show me what i'm looking for.

i saw an ad for a marriage partner in the papers today. phone number and email provided. wow, lonely woman looking for a partner and she had to resort to a classified sections in the papers. and hers was the only one today.

where are all the men at?! i thought women were irresistible and if anyone should be having problems, it'll be the men. but the world doesn't work that way. unfortunately. even carrie tried it once. not advertising in the papers of course. but she tried sleeping around the way men did. and somehow or rather, it just doesn't work for women. we put emotions in. and how can we not? we live our lives based on our emotions; happiness, anger, sadness, joy, sorrow, excitement, pain. so how do the men do it? play around with emotions and then get away with it without feeling anything? do they hide it in a box and then bury it deep down in a dark untouched corner? or it's just in their DNA. to not feel.

but then, you'll get men who just feels too much and their emotions just run loose that it dominates their entire being. they cry and whine and write poetry. and then somehow, it's the women that get blamed for the downfall of men. i would love to meet the women who have done such horrendous-ness to men and just ask them, do you hide your emotions in a box and bury it in a deep, dark hole? or is it year and years of taking no-nonsense and then playing the game the way it was meant to be played all along? or maybe, they finally know the rules of the game and it's the single ladies out there who are in the loss now.

the dating game is like the survival of the fittest. if you ain't got game, don't play it. don't even scratch the surface. then how? just wait and maybe in this lifetime never find that one true love because you never played the game. and at the end of the day, place an ad in the classifieds sections and just settle on the guy that calls and comes forward with a marriage proposal, with you telling yourself you'll eventually fall in love with the man who saved you from a lonely miserable life. time can heal and so time can also teach.

i hope it doesn't end up like this for all single women out there. ever notice all relationship books are aimed at women and not at men. WHY?! is it because men know the rules of the game? were they the ones that invented the effin' game?!

there's a case going on about a man suing- or whatever the legal terms are- a man for trying to entice his wife into having an extramarital affair. the ironic thing is, after going through all that legality, he is now divorcing his wife. and yet the case i think is still on-going. sigh, so people don't just get married and divorce anymore.

some people can go on dating all their life and never settle. and some, start dating at such a young age that you begin to wonder, did they not go through the phase of life where you hated the opposite sex? i knew i did (but i don't anymore, just so we're clear)

sigh, what i'm trying to say is, when will the right one come along? do we have to place an ad in the papers to get what we're looking for or do we just wait till the right one comes along and if he doesn't show, too bad. live and let live.

heartbreak isn't the only hardest thing people go through in relationships, broken ones i mean. beginning one is equally, if not doubly hard! and in order to begin one, we gotta find one who's interested to start one! sigh. if only parents match-made kids before they were even born. life's questions solved.

but God will provide. He always does. we may not see it now but when he does, we'll understand.