running up that hill

today has been an insightful day. i didn't have an epiphany nor have i finally figured out what my next step is. but it somehow got me thinking deeper.

i'm going to backtrack a little here so bear with me. i've never really carved out a proper career path when i was younger. if i were to look through my school report books (remember those blue books that had ALL our grades and comments in it?) i think you will find that i've got there listed somewhere businesswoman. honest to goodness, i probably didn't think much about it then. i think it's because i wasn't exposed to the various options out in the market at that time. early 2000s.

the only time i started seriously thinking about what i wanted to do was after SPM. i wasn't farsighted then. i didn't know anything about pre-U or diploma. when i started shopping around for the types of courses i could take, it was then it became real! i had to make serious decisions and i still didn't know what my ambition was! do i take pre-U, foundation studies or jump straight into a diploma program? from there i discovered communication studies. i didn't know what i want but i knew what i didn't want. why is it so easy to know what you don't want but when it comes to finding out what you want, it's the damn hardest thing!? it then becomes a process of eliminating what i wanted and what i didn't want.

ok, so i knew i wanted to take up communications and that i did. now i've got myself a degree from a pretty reputable university. what now? i don't know if this is an attitude problem on my part or a part of me that just doesn't want to conform but i didn't want to take the traditional path of securing myself a degree and then finding myself a proper job and all that shebang. i've never seen myself in a corporate environment till i landed myself a telephone interview april 2010. i can still remember where i had that call and what i was doing. for a sliver of a moment, i could envision myself in a power suit, in an office with glass windows and high-backed chairs and wide tables. i literally saw the ladder that i wanted to climb!

the telephone interview was an international call and i was told that i would be notified if i could move on to the next round which was the face-to-face interview to be held at a later date. i have to say, applying wasn't as simple as submitting a resume and keeping my fingers crossed that they'd pick me to be considered. i had to answer a gazillion questions on top of writing a cover letter and fine tuning my resume. i probably spent about 2 hours applying for it. what i'm trying to say is that i didn't think much about it after submitting my application. the position wasn't even something that was related to my field of studies! but after researching on the background of the company and pretty much matching most of the criteria, what the heck! i haven't got anything to lose.

long story short, i made it through each and every interview round. an amazing feat considering i was probably the only fresh graduate to be shortlisted, there were those with work experience and even a master holder! i was shitting my pants with excitement. this was a huge moment for me because i made it on my own accord. no strings were pulled. my hands weren't held every step of the way. it was as though God made the way for me.

till i screwed it up. i think we all know the ending to this story.

so what i'm trying to dig from this tale is that for a moment, i actually wanted to climb that damn corporate ladder! i was burning for it. for the chase. for the rush.

eventually i did work in a corporate company. make that two. that fire i had when i first got the phone call back in april 2010 wasn't there. in turn, i resented it. hated it. the politics behind it. the thought of spending the rest of my life in the same place for two, five or twenty years scared the bejeezus out of me! i wanted out and i wanted it bad.

and that i did. from the pan into the fire, some may say and right now, looking back in retrospect, i absolutely agree. would i be able to make an informed decision like this if i didn't go through what i went through? heck no. i'd rather go through the pain and suffering than wonder what if?

what if is such a dirty word, isn't it? it mocks you till your deathbed and it could be the one unfinished business as you have as you lay there dying. i could never live with that, could you? prior to entering my second corporate company, i had many discouraging me from doing so. i was caught in between. i was comfortable where i was yet i had this burning a hole in the back of my mind. i was even settled comfortable into the current job prior to the switch. i was doing pretty good for someone with zero experience. if anything, i felt absolutely blessed. God was truly blessing me. all honour and glory i give to Him.

but my curiosity and my misled passion had me taking the jump. fuck it. if i don't make the change now, i never will. i had stumbling blocks along the way. both experiences were not smooth sailing. they were both bittersweet but lucky for me, i tend to remember the better part of the experiences more than the not-so-great ones hence my positive outlook. i'm not trying to be preachy but it's hard to deny the fact that a greater being out there is looking out for me. i remember once when i was down in the dumps and i said;

'sometimes it's hard to be so optimistic all the time when everything is just not going well' 
(how profound of me wtf)

where's the silver lining in all that negativity? i'm not ashamed to say that i've cried about my situation. y'know why? cause crying helps. especially the kind where you're really crying with your body heaving and your tears are big and overflowing. let them suckers out. if anything, it's your body's way taking care of itself and also a way of physically letting the emotions out. your sadness, anger, disappointment and frustration's need an outlet too. just make sure to cry on the weekends when you don't have to see anybody the next day. swollen eyes are pretty hard to cover up even with concealer wtf. somehow though through all that i've been through, it's something that i have to go through. like a rite of passage wtf. i've been thrown into the deep end in both companies and survived! nothing can stop me now!


can't touch this, ice ice baby wtf.

once again, i've made another jump. this time, it's not into another corporate company although i still think that i can do way better than become a corporate slave! ultimately the goal is to be my own boss. how and by what means, i haven't figured that out yet. if i have to work in more corporate companies to achieve that goal, then so be it.

will it be pretentious of me if i say that i believe the year 2012 will be an AWESOME year for me? the next three to four months will somehow be a determining factor for me. i feel like my life is about to take off for real now.

i shall end with something that i learned recently;

slow in, fast out. 
fast in, NO out! 


this is actually advice for when driving in roads that bend or when you're cornering. you must turn in slow and then you can accelerate safely out. going in fast will only lead to you crashing or jamming your poor brakes senseless which will lead to you slowing down at the end and barely making it out.

there are many wrongs that i would like to make right but for now this will do.

long-lost

today, i bumped into 2 of my high school friends. amanda and wei kit. haven't seen them for quite some time. even though i was in the same college as amanda, i hardly ever saw her. my college is frickin' huge compared to wei kit's. hahahahahahahaa...wtf!

we talked for about an hour an a half. about stuff. serious stuff somemore. don't play-play!

nah..we were talking about getting married to rich, 80 year old's, travelling, working, bungee jumping, whose college is better (sunway's or taylors), whose college has better food, the differences between the super genius and the average joe's like us (average joe=passing exams, super genius=scoring 90 and above), and how by just shading your name on the SAT paper, you can score thus making it very difficult to fail SAT (if you've watched the movie "accepted" there's a comment about it..according to wei kit, that made me laugh when he said it...hahahaha!) and also about us going overseas to study (bringing our maids along with us! how can we survive without them? imagine the washing, ironing, cleaning, cooking...HELP!)

it was fun. just talking. catching up.

edit: it just occured to me that il divo is now performing. hmph...rm500 for a ticket is frickin' ridiculous! but aren't they good eye candy?? i think so. i very much think so.