i whip my hair back and forth

left, right and centre, i only hear discouragement.

what do you do in times like these?

the million dollar question i can NEVER give a straight answer to; what do you want?

i mean, in the general sense of the word, there are many material things that i would love to have but that's not what they're really asking me. so really, what do i want?

a career. check. but a career in what?

a boyfriend. yes but don't ask me why i don't have one now. actually, don't ask anyone why they don't have one. it could be a life choice and not a condition.

a blackberry. oh yes! with a data plan too just so i can tweet about random shit that happens to me on the spot ie. a bloody kancil just flashed me on the fast lane?!. i always tweet about it in my head so i figure having access to the net 24/7 will make me uber happy.

oh santa, if you're real, i would really like to know,

what happens next?

walking distance

things seem to be progressing positively. but that's just on the surface. it's when you dig deeper where you find the rough edges, bumps and twist and turns. everyday i tell myself, something better will come along. in the grander scheme of things, this will all lead to something.

something.

something.

something.

what thing?

round the clock

i saw way too many teenyboppers today. but that wasn't the worst part. nothing can beat this.

i got a call this morning. picked it up and what do you know, it was a customer enquiring. fine, yada yada yada, then he asked if i am working today? no. it's a public holiday.

oh, so you don't work round the clock?

jaw drop. face palm. head desk.

the many fascinating levels of how the human mind can function and form ridiculous statements such as the above, baffles me.

talking to the moon

is it called giving up or letting go when you decide it's for the best to quit?

am i giving up? sure, i can hold on a lil' longer but should i, after knowing for a fact that i absolutely can't stand this anymore?

or am i actually letting go and allowing myself to finally go pursue something else that i want. something that i want on my own without anyone pushing me towards to it, painted views and aspirations on the back of my head.

i don't need no permission to stop or start. i just need support.

the other side

this feeling of dread isnt supposed to be this bad. i am literally dreading monday.

if only quitting were that easy.

it's literally 4o minutes before midnight and here i am having this heavy heart and dread about tomorrow. i am literally afraid of my handphone. everytime it rings, i say a little prayer, hoping that it's either my parents or a friend. i want to cry about it but crying only gives me a swollen eye the next day. this is unhealthy right, if i keep telling anyone who would listen how much i hate this.

and i do. hate this.

yes, i am an idealist with very romantic ideas about life.

and it sucks.

singing the

m-m-monday blues...

big bang

at the traffic light today, i saw a heartbroken man cry. he was furious, an emotional wreck. slamming on the window and biting his hand because the physical pain was much more bearable than the ache he felt in his heart.

he was crying.

while she sat there, stone-faced and emotionless amidst the tidal waves of pain and anguish circulating in that tiny space.

he was screaming.

she was silent.

i've never seen a man cry like that. not in real life. the car was shaking from the angry and hurt vibrations emanating from every pore of his body. the heat could scald your skin if you dared to go near him.

she was cold as ice.

he couldn't control his tears. they kept blurring his vision. he couldn't wipe them away like the wipers that wiped the rain drops away. his sleeves were soaked. soaked with the tears that seemed to stream from a broken tap that just won't stop.

his hands were bruised.

from hitting the steering wheel. from flinging his arms all over the tiny space of a car that seemed better fit for a 12 year old than a grown man. he only kept hitting the side window because that pain was real and controllable. but really, that pain could be healed in a day or two. what he felt then, it was forever.

he was heartbroken.

at least that was how i saw it. the woman beside him. another being just like i. just like him. but she wasn't just another woman. he was hurt. and she was the cause of the hurt. he kept wiping tears away.

while she sat there in silence.

green light.

and we'll move on to the next thing till another red light stops us.