i scream

when the fight isn't worth it anymore, watch ANTM Cycle 16 on youtube wtf. like seriously. or go watch a romantic thai comedy on youtube (i recommend bangkok traffic love story and hello, stranger cause that's the only two i've watched)

been a lil' on edge this week due to reasons only known to me (girl issues wtf). plus reading the newspaper today just pisses me off which is why i hardly ever read the papers anymore. only the entertainment section for the horoscopes, comics and cinema listings. i've just revealed my mental age wtf.

title-less

i had a false alarm. i thought i could leave early from work today. early by definition in this context is 10pm. don't get your hopes up, kids. so many things i work on that they just mash together into one gigantic blob till i realized i DO have something to sign off on :(

so it's 10.07pm and i'm here in the office with a one man band sitting next to me -____- singing out loud because there's no speaker in sight where he then decides upon himself to entertain the rest of us.

so many i wanna go home songs running through my head right now.

big bang

my skin is dry from the constant exposure to the air-conditioning in the office and at home when i go to sleep although i do slather on a fairly generous amount of moisturiser on my face, arms and legs before i head to bed.

there's a loud siren in the background. an SMS tone it seems. but one that just burns constant reminders of how unfortunate the few of us who are still in the office at 11.17pm are feeling. the alarms go in our heads but there's really no escape. get the job done. even if we know that NOTHING gets done at this hour. because really, who is going to keep awake to give you an approval now? urgh. trust me on this, there are many flaws in the way things are running here that it's not even funny. i could write forever on this and still there will not be enough to convey how fucked up this situation is. but i will not go there. not tonight. my tolerance of idiot-ism can only tolerate as much. maybe perhaps one day when all my pent-up frustration needs an outlet, i will regale you with stories and anecdotes of this mad world. they don't call them mad men for nothing wtf.

it's now 11.25pm. last night, i was in the same position as i am now. waiting. tick tock tick tock. (this reminds me of gwen stefani's first single what you waiting for) every night, they tell you the same bull shit. it's going out tonight. fuck you. the bloody brief came in 2 fuckin days ago. there is no way in hell it will go out tonight. but of course they'll spin you a tale of crap cause they need it by the end of the week. go figure. they had the whole day to look at it and give whatever comments they had to say. but of course, if only life were as simple as telling you within the working hours of 9am to 6pm what sort of changes they want. hell to the no, sistah! you should be so lucky. they love telling you changes at 11pm because apparently they're vampires. they only come alive when the sun goes down.

now that's an anecdote right there. note that down, folks. we here just love sitting around waiting for these bloodsuckers to tell us what to do at 12am.

if things really did go out at the end of the ordeal, i would say ok at least i waited for a reason. but again, i tell you, i should be so lucky. they'll tell you they can't get the approval they need so we'll continue tomorrow, folks! i can say WHAT THE FUCK or i can just say I TOLD YOU SO. but that would just mean that i'm the fool.

but i won't be the fool for much longer. not if i have any say and control of my life and the destiny that i am supposed to fulfil wtf.

so on days like these, i will tell myself, this will all be over someday soon. you know why? cos baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what you're worth. yes, katy perry, i will make them go oh oh OWH!

your song reminds me of swimming

everyday, things change.

i grow a little wiser, i grow a little wearier and i grow a little sideways wtf true story.

made the mistake of weighing myself last weekend and i can't wrap my head around the fact that i've gained weight +___+ i'm so sad that i actually have a really good appetite for food these days wtf and i'm not even having my monthly visit yet! fml.

but i digress.

my plans keep changing as the earth keeps turning on it's axis and the gravity is still holding all of us down and the sun still shines at the right time of the day and i still complain about life being a pain in the ass. once again, i should be crowned miss fickle. maybe i should get a 'little miss' shirt with those exact labeling. i've never really realized it but it's come to the point that everyday i have different ambitions in life. this is worst that when i was 8 and i told my parents i wanted to be an air stewardess and then probably the year after that i told them i wanted to be a teacher and then doctor.

fyi, i'm none of the above. being an air stewardess isn't a viable option. i've come to accept the fact i am vertically challenged to be even considered. case closed. being a doctor? let's just say my intelligence level isn't up to standard wtf. grey's anatomy is enough for me.

i'm still finding my footing. this search will be long and arduous. and boy do i know how arduous it's gonna be. like i said earlier, i keep changing my paths that i have to literally tell myself to STICK TO THE BLOODY PLAN!

i made a pact with myself wtf. the plan is laid out and i'm trying to stick to it. barely really. everyday, i come up with an escape route and everyday, new routes keeping popping up that i have to yank myself back down. take a chill pill wtf. i have come to terms with my current situation and while i am looking for alternatives, i figured i should enjoy the situation that i am in right now and maybe write about it? now that's a thought, hmm...

i may not have a wealth of experience but i've got enough right now to start off with and i'm sure i've got at least an audience of one who would be interested in reading about my adventures, eh? i am afterall a writer, ahem, writing major.

ohhh...i feel a new project brewing! watch this space wtf.

by the way, as an ending to this, an interesting conversation piece came up after work. me and a colleague left about 8-ish pm and we were saying whoah this is early!

-_____-

for somebody else NOT in this industry, this would be way past overtime. way way way over. and they'd probably be cursing, spitting and throwing tantrums. yeah, been there, done that.

acceptance is key.

hope keeps the engine running smoothly.

i need an ambulance, i took the worst of the blow

sometimes, it's so much easier to take things into my own hands and not worry about consequences. all we do is really worry. what will happen now? later? a year from now?

one day i'm all hot and bothered. and then there are days where i'm just cool and chill and whatever. but at the back of my mind is where the action takes place. i think, analyze, rationalize, argue, counter-argue, defend, breakdown. sometimes, the mind overworks and i just don't know what to do with myself. so many things going on at once that it's difficult to separate the thoughts from the chaos. where do you draw the line between real and what you think is real?

there doesn't seem to be any realness where i am now. everything seems so superficial and material. two-faced. playing pretend. i don't know what's real anymore. i've always been going with the flow and that has served me pretty well till i started dictating what i wanted. i wish i could place the blame on someone and i think i did initially cause it was so much easier to have a target to aim at. all that pent up emotions, good or bad, was made clearer when i knew who and what to direct it at. but ultimately, after getting through the stage of denial, the only person to point fingers at it is me.

it's my own mistake to make. i'm taking this as a learning curve where i take responsibility for what happens next. right now, i am at another crossroads. another of life's junctions thrown at me. despite what i'm feeling, i never fear because

¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

it just doesn't seem real with no connection. there's a need to feel solid ground, warmth and connected. feelin' disconnected and living on a thin red line of superficiality with no real purpose and objective. headless chicken pecking around in the darkness, hands grasping at emptiness and heart filled with false aspirations and motivations. constantly consoling and rationalizing, filling the void with empty promises and words. the truest of true so taboo.

don't worry. i'm fine as fine can be. am just living life as life should be lived. no manuals or shortcuts dictating or directing. just livin' life the way it should be lived. i just find it therapeutic to jot down words, giving the conundrum a structured organizational flow. compartmentalizing the thoughts.