i need an ambulance, i took the worst of the blow

sometimes, it's so much easier to take things into my own hands and not worry about consequences. all we do is really worry. what will happen now? later? a year from now?

one day i'm all hot and bothered. and then there are days where i'm just cool and chill and whatever. but at the back of my mind is where the action takes place. i think, analyze, rationalize, argue, counter-argue, defend, breakdown. sometimes, the mind overworks and i just don't know what to do with myself. so many things going on at once that it's difficult to separate the thoughts from the chaos. where do you draw the line between real and what you think is real?

there doesn't seem to be any realness where i am now. everything seems so superficial and material. two-faced. playing pretend. i don't know what's real anymore. i've always been going with the flow and that has served me pretty well till i started dictating what i wanted. i wish i could place the blame on someone and i think i did initially cause it was so much easier to have a target to aim at. all that pent up emotions, good or bad, was made clearer when i knew who and what to direct it at. but ultimately, after getting through the stage of denial, the only person to point fingers at it is me.

it's my own mistake to make. i'm taking this as a learning curve where i take responsibility for what happens next. right now, i am at another crossroads. another of life's junctions thrown at me. despite what i'm feeling, i never fear because

¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

it just doesn't seem real with no connection. there's a need to feel solid ground, warmth and connected. feelin' disconnected and living on a thin red line of superficiality with no real purpose and objective. headless chicken pecking around in the darkness, hands grasping at emptiness and heart filled with false aspirations and motivations. constantly consoling and rationalizing, filling the void with empty promises and words. the truest of true so taboo.

don't worry. i'm fine as fine can be. am just living life as life should be lived. no manuals or shortcuts dictating or directing. just livin' life the way it should be lived. i just find it therapeutic to jot down words, giving the conundrum a structured organizational flow. compartmentalizing the thoughts.