collide

today has been a mixed bag of emotions.

annoyance. crankiness. excitement. overwhelmingness.

it's quite baffling how some people let their fear dictate the way they response to their surrounding. a simple nudge, pull and fix would have suffice but all this person could do was lay the blame, shut the door and bid adieu. it's a man made machine for goodness sake, i'm pretty sure we won't break the damn machine if we did as instructed clearly on the screen. and to strike fear like a child threatening to tattle to her mother, please grow up. you are old enough to speak your mind and not resort to "i'm going to tell so-and-so about what you're doing". respect is clearly not highly important to you because any ounce of respect for you has gone down the bin and here i was wanting to give you the benefit of the doubt.

and if that's not enough, another incident involving someone else. to snap at me in front of a child, who incidentally needed you by the way, not me, is beyond me. we work together. i don't work for you. i don't think that gives you the right to snap at me. there's a time to be cranky and there's a time to be professional about it. your professionalism in your workplace is clearly lacking and you've clearly been at it far longer than i have lived.

it's clearly not a generation difference. work ethics clearly doesn't exist.

/end of rant. 

it's December and the past 3-4 months have been one heckuva journey.

what i've discovered is that plans are just that; plans. they don't necessarily come to fruition the way we want them to. sometimes, straying far, far away from the plan brings with it a new perspective and a much better outcome than we can hope for.

it's been a chain of events that brought me to where i am today, on both a personal and professional level.

and the view is pretty amazing.

doin' dirt

mistakes are the easiest to make. finding the right one is the trickiest. it seems that the path laid out before me is filled with making one mistake after another. i seem to be building up a long laundry list of what i don't like and not what i like.

le sigh. 

i need to gather up all my strength and energy for tomorrow's heavy battle. i literally feel like i'm heading into war. psychological war more like. need to be self-composed and assertive. not a pushover. if nothing works for the better, there's only one way to end it. and truth be told, i'm ready for that ending. 

and this time, that's going to be permanent. like a tattoo. no turning back once the ink hits the skin. 

here's to making the next one count. 

knocked out.

sometimes, third time isn't always the charm.

nope. it's my third time now and am totally in deeper shit than when i first started. if anything, it's as though i haven't learnt anything from my past. how frustrating. 

to those who are reading this and have found yourself doing something you enjoy/love, good on you. i can only wish i will find mine soon. like when i thought i did but really didn't. i don't regret that because at least i tried and decided that it really wasn't for me. but now, for me to actually go back when i've repeatedly told myself and countless others how much loathe i had for it, it's unheard of! it's as if i've just lost that part of my life to denial and psyched myself into thinking i can force love it.

either that or i just love torturing myself.

one way of looking at this is that i'm learning the hard knocks of life. no school will ever prepare you for this.

better this than a relationship with a destructive lover perhaps?

oh, grow up. so what if it's tough work? deal with it. everybody else is.

 fuck this. 


need to organize my thoughts.

the grass was so green

i need to start writing down whatever pep talk and warnings i give to myself on a piece of paper so that i can look at it clearly and let it help me along the way.

i've made a mistake, yet again. jumped emotion first into a pool that i clearly have no intention of swimming in. i made a u-turn instead of moving forward and i guess desperation can do that. i have to finally admit now that i was desperate and slightly depressed about the situation i put myself in. i'm a highly emotionally charged person. more often than not, i let my emotions get the better of me. it happens one to many times which is why i need to put the words in my head into paper so that i can remind myself why certain things will never, ever work. ever.

ever.

but with every mistake made, comes experiences and lessons learned. this will be one mistake i will never make again.

here's to hoping for a fruitful and hopeful wednesday. my monday was definitely given a ray of light.

i am only young once and making mistakes is part of growing up. and right now, i'm taking a masters in growing up and taking charge of my life.

i'll follow you flightless bird

my love affair with the twilight series started when i first read the books. i bought the first book on a whim. read the back cover and was intrigued by the storyline. i must have swallowed it in one sitting because i was hooked and got round to buying the other three books in one swoop.

which was very bad for me. i started reading the series right around the time of my exams. this was back in my second year. oh boy did the books screw me over. i suffered, grade-wise thanks to my reading of the book and not enough of my textbook!

but that's water under the bridge now.

i can still remember the first time i watched twilight the movie. i was in the states then but i didn't catch the movie till almost the end of its run in the cinemas. it was literally empty save for the bunch of us but i could have imagined the throngs of girls screaming for edward/rob pattison as my friend regaled me with stories of opening night.

fast forward 4 years now and i've just finished watching breaking dawn part 1.

the twilight series is kind of a love-hate one for me. i gobbled the books up when i first read it but try for the second time? i could not for the life me turn the pages! it was horrible and that's maybe because i had let 'bad' reviews infiltrate my mind. even the movie was like a sore pain in my ass. the second movie was a huge improvement cinematographically and budget-wise and what a huge difference it was but the acting was horrendous! i'll take it in the first time but the second time? i want to take out the torn that's sticking in my thumb.

but i'm going to have to say that i quite liked the fourth film. yes, it's a lil slower than the others but the actors weren't so annoying this time round. kirsten stewart's characterisation of bella was much bearable in this chapter and taylor lautner's jacob and his bothersome/tiresome love from a not-very-far distance wasn't as annoying. i guess this has to happen seeing as they've been acting this part for 4 years now and spoiler alert wtf he has imprinted on a baby. half vampire-half human baby, seriously stephanie meyer?!

i thought that there would be more juice in the lovemaking scene but i guess there are 12 year olds watching this movie too so they had what they had. i guess the book had more action going on for it or at least that was how i remembered it. might just read the book again to find out what happens next.

despite some of my criticisms of the movies, i actually look forward to watching them. i'm a total fangirl really, just don't make me say it out loud. i also look forward to listening to the soundtrack every time the films come out.

i'm probably going to miss the anticipation of watching the latest twilight film once it ends this year. just like the harry potter films. but i've got the next series to keep me going; the hunger games.

i think i read all 3 books within a week. i even had to finish the last book on my flight to shanghai! i couldn't not finish it and wait the 3 months to come home to read it.

clearly i haven't left my youth seeing as i'm still actively reading YA novels.

roll

i first heard gotye's somebody i used to know while driving my mother to go look for outdoor furnitures. the opening beats of the song, according to my mother and in her words; hypnotic. i totally disagreed with her and was like wtf. there are hypnotic sounds and there are hypnotic sounds. this wasn't the case. at. all. super catchy beats lor!

save to say this song is now playing on repeat.

and i'm checking out the cover versions as well.



can't believe i haven't heard this song before till a couple of weeks ago! it came out last year for crying out loud! i pride myself in knowing the latest songs but sadly, i don't listen to enough radio anymore. some of the songs that i hear on the radio are like cats claws scratching the walls.

and maybe it's because i listen to lite.fm a lot because my mother blasts it in the house, i'm getting familiarized with music from the 80s. hello, gypsy kings!

year of the dragon

Happy Chinese New Year!

didn't want to miss the boat and not spread the festive love around. it's now day three of the new year! it's definitely going to be a good year, be it in the western calendar or the chinese calendar although i'm pretty sure it being the year of the dragon helps too ;p

reunion dinner was major awes-yum! my mother is a superstar, managing to cook 8 dishes that night!

fireworks was in abundance on new year's eve too that some started blasting their firecrackers at 2 in the morning! +___+ my mother says it cause they're inviting the god of prosperity (?) into their home. chinese culture is very fascinating and interesting but sometimes, it just boggles the mind the kinds of things that needs to be done in the name of tradition!

this week is pretty jam packed with dinners and visitations. just the right kind of busy, if you ask me!

Gong Hei Fatt Choy!!!

the world as i see it

somebody once told me that jason mraz must be high when he writes. not that i'm implying this particular song is weirdly worded. in fact, it's just the opposite! i'm not in love or anything crazy like that. heard this on the radio, whipped out my shazam app and youtube-d it immediately. oh mr mraz, when are you going to serenade us with your poetic words?

was running on the treadmill for the first time this year yesterday and it got me thinking. you see, i was prepared to only run for about 10 minutes (my excuse? cause i didn't want to exert myself. fuckin' lame is what it is and just plain lazy) but as i was running, i increased it to another 5 minutes. when 5 minutes came and went, i added another till i was running for 30 minutes. the recommended training time. i did it!

this kind of reflects life, doesn't it? we start something like say a new job and the first few weeks will be easy peasy just like the first 5 minutes on the treadmill. you start off slow and easy. then the toughest part comes, that first incline and the faster speed gets thrown in. that new job is slowly becoming a routine and tough one at that as more responsibilities get thrown into the mix. this is probably the time where questions of life enter; what am i doing here? is this going to be the rest of my life? i can't live like this anymore! and you get the drill. you start looking for escape routes. you start setting up time frames.

as you are running, you see that you're almost at the 10 minute mark but just as you've touched it, you realize that you can go on for another 5-10 minutes and you start pushing yourself further. same like work. just as you think that enough is enough, the hardest part comes to past and you say i can stay for a while more.

and that's life. we push further. we either up and quit right after and move on to something else or we hang in there and see that all that hard work pays off eventually and for some, it will most definitely pay off. there really isn't a right answer. it's what we want.

what do i want?

to keep running on that treadmill till i hit my target (by years end, i will lose them kilograms!!! RAH RAH RAH!) or find an alternative way to lose them (diets?! self-control needs to be obtained +__+ which i'm lacking very much of but am actually slowly practicing teehee)

my china/christmas weight is off the roof and i'm totally freaking out every time i weigh myself :( and then i get really depressed. sigh.

now with new years in another week or so, it's just going to be eat, eat, eat and more eat! all those dinners and cookies, self-restraint will be put to the ultimate test.

God give me strength.

hello 2012!

Happy New Year, guys!

this will be the month where writing the date will require some getting used to. it's finally here, 2012! it's been an eventful 2011 but i'm definitely looking forward to new adventures and challenges this new year brings.

i was working crazy lots in 2011 what with me switching gears career-wise which lead to my career-crisis  mid-year. not the highlight of my year but i wouldn't change any of it. it was a learning curve in terms of me realizing what i wanted out of my life. i'm thinking this year there'll be more realizations and explorations on my horizon. i think i've said it before in previous posts but i'll say it again; 2012 is going to be a good year. i feel it in my fingers, i feel it in my toes. 


i'm probably setting myself up to be judged but who the fuck cares? i'm only young once. if i live my life trying to fit myself into a mold, i'll become less of a woman wtf.

i didn't really make any new year's resolution except for one which sits highly at the top of my list (not really a list if there's only one item on it):

losing weight. 

everyone probably has a similar resolution on their list but for me, imma make this happen! i will eat healthily and do exercises although i'm still considering bootcamp (it's too hardcore for my liking!) that treadmill will not be a white elephant in the corner of the room, no no NO!


three cheers for the new year!