makes me feel lazy

for the first time in 2 months, i remember how it feels like to bum. suddenly, i feel like i'm a kid again. waking up anytime. with nothing to do but breathe and watch the world go by.

channel surfed and took a nap! a nap, how i miss thee so. naps are like distant memories. now, i will have to hide out in the ladies if i wanted to shut my eyes for a minute!

despite waking up late in the afternoon, i could still take a nap! talk about being a sloth.

i can't wait for the next public holiday!

is a natural woman

i always thought he was the cute one in 30 rock from the sun. he still is :P

who are we to be emotional?

i dont want this state of being that i'm in to fade away. from being at an absolute low point to a moderate high, my perspective looks a lil' clearer now. before this, it was a hazy blur. being THAT lost can really give you a kick in the behind! i wouldnt wish that on anyone but i think this is what they call part of growing up.

life, oh life!

look in my face

today, i had myself a really good day :)

so don't rain on my parade.

it's a lil' bit dangerous but

i need know what i want in a world that constantly changes. one moment, i believe that i can do the impossible. and the next i'm free falling. this constant pull in opposite directions is enough to make my world spin. and i'm dizzy and nauseous already. the only way to beat it is maybe to excel in it. put on a thicker skin. be devoid of emotions for now. don't let things be personal. after all, it's only a business transaction that we're after. why let things be so attached to me? detach myself from it. look in from the outside.

in a nutshell; suck it up.

the benefit of mr kite.

he spills coffee on the sidewalk. he looks at his empty styrofoam cup. he half turns then changes his mind and looks at his empty cup once again. spilt caffein spells fuck. my. life. that was his last 5 dollars and it was supposed to last him the whole day. the coffee. not the 5 dollars. coffee alone can sustain the man. he tosses the styrofoam cup away into the bin and walks off. looks at his watch. fuck, it's 8.56. no coffee. he couldn't decide which was worst. that his girlfriend of 7 years doesn't want to marry him or that his best friend of 20 years was cheating on his sister. on a normal day. hell, i'll even call it perfect day, the thought of what lies ahead seems bearable. with coffee in his bloodstream. it was a like drug. no mornings can go by without a sip of that dark liquid. nothing but the darkness and aromatic smell of a cup of coffee from the corner coffee joint to make a man feel like he just had his best fuck. don't tell his girlfriend that. 7 years and the 7 year itch starts to surface. he might just have unprotected sex with the stranger he met in the club last week. they were firm. he didnt need to touch them to know. it was written all over her face. she was hunting. he wasnt. damn. what was i thinking? 7 years and she didnt want to settle. just yet, she says. his wallet, empty save for a picture of him and the woman he loves and a maxed out credit card.

the sidewalk stained from the coffee that spilleth from the styrofoam cup washed clean by the drizzling rain. he curses.

just like magic, without the mushrooms.

and i am back to normal. default mode wtf. i have to say, i went a bit cuckoo the past few days. no idea what came over me but i think i have kinda settled down a bit now. i needed the option of knowing that i could get out anytime and not have to settle. wow, does that make me commitment-phobic? i hope not. i go around the whole world giving off vibes that i am very easily committed but in the end i'm actually not. then my whole life would have been a TOTAL lie +____+ how will i tell my unborn children this one day?! dont say anything? then one lie leads to another wtf. and the world still keeps spinning. gravity is still pulling us down. i digress.

despite me saying that i am okay now, i can only take this okay-ness temporarily because what i'm doing now is temporary. i'm not gonna make this a permanent fixture in my life. no. if anything, this is one step into another and then, BIG TIME FAME AND FORTUNE MUAHAHAHAHA!

you'll never know. nobody will but that's okay. to know that my problems, no matter how big i make them out to be, is in fact, a speck of dust that i can swat off.

this is me, swatting that damn dust away.

poof.

sprinkle some fairy dust to make the pain and tears go away. abracadabra. beeppity boppity boo. pumpkin turns to a horse-drawn carriage. one fine day, my dear...one fine day.

junk in the trunk.

needs to get out of this funk. i think i might be digging a hole that i cant get out of.

cruise control

lately, there's been some complications. things were moving along fine. i'm going 90km/h and then from out of nowhere (blindspot wtf) this other option is moving along side me at 60km/h. now, i have to rethink the structure and possibly pave a new road. now listen here, it took me quite some time to actually move at the speed that i'm moving now. here i am slowly gaining confidence and then this moves into view and i'm forced to look at it and make way for it to cut into my lane. don't you hate options? don't you wish that you were just told what to do from birth so complications like this don't arise?

know your destiny. know your fate. know your path.

sounds like something spiderman's uncle would say. "with great power comes great responsibilities".

am i even in the right path? i'm beginning to see a pattern here. staying in this path, i may very well be here for life. deviate now and i might just find greener pastures. or not. see, this is where complications arise from. i'm at a crossroads.

i can only take comfort in the fact that i am still young. any mistakes now i can blame on my youth. but what's the mistake that i'm willing to make? i've already made one before. if it wasn't for self-sabotage, i might be in the right path. but there's no right or wrong. there's only what's right or what's wrong for me. so akhirnya, it's all down to me anyways. no one else. i am the one driving anyways. crash or smooth-sailing depends on me. my shoulders can't take it. my legs are turning to jelly. can't even think anymore.

where are the days where i can just cruise? jalan-jalan tak endahkan apa-apa.

bordering on vulgar.

my mother pointed out a job ad to me today, paying a ridiculous amount of money.

rm57,000

a month!

that is an obscene amount of money!