i'm lovin' it

good news should come in a happy package but somehow, this doesnt exactly warrant one. plus, it coming earlier than it should makes it even the more exciting. but it's an emotional blackhole. try as i might to make myself LIKE the work that i'm doing and i do that pretty often whenever i'm alone. i tell myself, 'hey, this isn't so bad, eh?' or 'i'm already doing it anyways, i can do it for a longer term, eh?' fuck this shit. it's the road to denial, innit? but self motivation is there so i guess credits got to be given, no?

want to know what i really wish for? that life doesn't have to go a certain way. i know there are no rules when it comes to livin' the life i want to live but i put myself there anyways. there are steps and measures to be taken that was set up a long long time ago which have been followed through by many and i think i've pretty much aced those steps so why aren't i happy? right now, i earn enough to buy the things that i want (within budget of course which really isnt that much in the first place, eh?) and yet, that really isn't enough to keep me afloat. try as i may, my arms are getting tired and numb from all that treading to keep afloat. throw me a life buoy right now.

i know of friends who have found their happiness in life. and they succeeded in their first try and here i am suffocating.

truth be told, half the time i honestly don't know what i'm doing. when i say i go with the flow, i literally go with the flow. and i'm hoping the flow will take me to boogie town where i can whip my hair back and forth and just be...happy.