knocked out.

sometimes, third time isn't always the charm.

nope. it's my third time now and am totally in deeper shit than when i first started. if anything, it's as though i haven't learnt anything from my past. how frustrating. 

to those who are reading this and have found yourself doing something you enjoy/love, good on you. i can only wish i will find mine soon. like when i thought i did but really didn't. i don't regret that because at least i tried and decided that it really wasn't for me. but now, for me to actually go back when i've repeatedly told myself and countless others how much loathe i had for it, it's unheard of! it's as if i've just lost that part of my life to denial and psyched myself into thinking i can force love it.

either that or i just love torturing myself.

one way of looking at this is that i'm learning the hard knocks of life. no school will ever prepare you for this.

better this than a relationship with a destructive lover perhaps?

oh, grow up. so what if it's tough work? deal with it. everybody else is.

 fuck this. 


need to organize my thoughts.

the grass was so green

i need to start writing down whatever pep talk and warnings i give to myself on a piece of paper so that i can look at it clearly and let it help me along the way.

i've made a mistake, yet again. jumped emotion first into a pool that i clearly have no intention of swimming in. i made a u-turn instead of moving forward and i guess desperation can do that. i have to finally admit now that i was desperate and slightly depressed about the situation i put myself in. i'm a highly emotionally charged person. more often than not, i let my emotions get the better of me. it happens one to many times which is why i need to put the words in my head into paper so that i can remind myself why certain things will never, ever work. ever.

ever.

but with every mistake made, comes experiences and lessons learned. this will be one mistake i will never make again.

here's to hoping for a fruitful and hopeful wednesday. my monday was definitely given a ray of light.

i am only young once and making mistakes is part of growing up. and right now, i'm taking a masters in growing up and taking charge of my life.