conversations with madness

if life can be arranged in a neat and organized order, then life's just going through the motions like a steam engine chugging down the railroad or a coffee-maker grinding beans to the sound of my heartbeat.

life's meant to be lived. in random movements and conversations. in spontaneous acts of declarations. lived as if you've drank 21 shots of tequila. eaten a tub of ben&jerry's just cause they make you feel like walking on sunshine. life's meant to be crazy, out of control. live not in fear but in the excitement of the unknown.

today, i took out my black 20 pocket clear file holder to get my life organized. arranging my achievements from present to past, from highest to lowest. life in order, in linear, in sequence. no random splash of blood and sparkles. no coffee stains and hidden lipstick stains in the corner. achievements that don't mean a thing when i realize that there's no cigarette burns on my fingertips. no love bites to mark the coming of age. no summons to scratch the surface.

i finally bought myself a file to systemically organize and arrange my qualifications and achievements from highest to lowest. damn, this is where i grow up. mentally and physically too wtf not sideways, i hope. given up on vertical already. i've reached my maximum height.