one of my ny resolution is to not give a damn what people think. i can't go around pleasing every single soul out there and let myself be the one bearing the burden of it all. at the end of the day, i'm the one who gets hit with the shit at the end of the fan.
do you feel on somedays where things are just fine and you have nothing to be worried about or nothing to be sulky about because things are moving along perfectly but somehow at the end of the day you just feel restless or incomplete or unsatisfied or just plain blah? i don't know how to put into words what i'm trying to say but let's just say you start thinking about the past, present and future and you see and feel is bleakness and emptiness. can you imagine that? that sorta feeling of nothingness that just brings a heavy burden to your heart. as if you can feel your heart being weighed down but you can't pinpoint what's weighing it down.
i'm having one of those moments where i just want to cry. not for any particular reason but just to release whatever that's pent up inside though what i'm keeping inside, i have no real idea. all i know is that i have some thing to release from the inside and the only outlet i feel where i can let it all out is by crying. hard core sobbing too! i remember reading somewhere that crying show's that you are alive, not sissy/coward or something along those lines. maybe that's what i need. to know that i'm ALIVE.
stuck in a rut. that's it. i think i'm crying because i feel like i'm stuck in a rut. like my life is going nowhere. it's the pressure from life itself. from the structure that we have all somehow agreed upon in the contract of life and how it should progress. the perfect system that i want to breakfree from yet feel so lost and alone when i'm one step out of the system. the window to the other side promises me something stable and safe. something i will willingly go through because everyone is doing it. that's what will make my life better somehow. but i don't want to. at least i think i don't want to. only God knows what i want because right now, i don't know. i'm really upset. i wish i can talk about this nothingness. so intangible. nothing to grasp on. so out there yet so in here. so vague yet so familiar. how would i even begin describing it?
maybe i'm just hungry and i'm trying to distract my mind from the hunger by conjuring up crazy shit about nothingness and emptiness.
i'm blaming my hunger for this post. i don't even know what i'm trying to say :/ maybe in the morning i will.
after breakfast wtf.
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