it's now the turn of the second week of me being in Shanghai and my response so far to anyone who has asked me how things are is 'so far so good' because so far things have been honestly pretty good. save for the first couple of days when i got here. i was a complete and total mess. i had internal battles with myself all day long and even all night long. i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep. nobody knew of this battle but myself. i was lucky i had the flu and the cough so it was easy to put the blame of my lack of appetite and tiredness to the fact that i wasn't feeling so swell.
3 months ago, when i was planning this i was pretty damn sure of myself. long story short, i made a huge leap of faith and took a whole lotta risk at the same time. it's not like i had THAT much to lose but when i first got here, it felt like i was spiraling out of control (not in a drug, alcohol and rock & roll kind of way wtf) but it kind of hit me that i was just lost. plain and simple. it's like i fell down the rabbit hole and am in wonderland. i was honestly THIS close to flying back home together with my dad because i realized that i didn't want to be lost in a foreign city where i can barely string a coherent sentence in the local language! i just wanted to go home and bury myself in my home and just stay there till the wave of insecurities washed over me.
week two and i'm getting a grip of my life now. i'm slowly getting into a routine which won't last for long because guess what? i DON'T have to have a routine that will dictate the rest of my time except when it comes to classes of course. there's a sense of liberty when i know that i can just pack and fly off or take a train somewhere, anywhere and not have to worry about responsibilities. a bit reckless, eh? but i guess it's because i've been living so structured a life that this inch of freedom seems a bit overwhelming! not that i'm complaining.
i still have the luxury of accessing my favourite sites (even the banned ones!) and also having the added advantage of walking. lots of it. i will have legs of steel by the end of my time here!
however, i do wonder what will become of me by the time i finish up here. will i go start job hunting again? will i hop on a plane and fly somewhere else? will i go fishing wtf? there are days where i crave the familiarity and routine of going to work and working and then there are days where i'm yeah man, this is the life! hippie hippie shake shake wtf.
like i said, so far so good...
Monday, September 26, 2011
Friday, September 16, 2011
i can see the way.
wow, this shit is about to get real. some times i get really excited and then there are times where i get really...homesick? i know! i haven't even left the country yet but these thoughts do run around in my head and i do try to push them back. i mean, it's only gonna be less than 3 months!
pfft, i'm such a baby sometimes.
i'm still in the midst of packing and will most probably have to write down a list later to make sure i don't forget anything but ohmaigawd this is all still so surreal. one day i go from having a set routine and now, i'm packing to go abroad! hopefully the next 10 weeks will be enriching in every sense of the word.
i heard blogger is banned so i may or may not be able to blog. i might just be living in the year 2000 where i'm going.
till we meet again.
xx.
pfft, i'm such a baby sometimes.
i'm still in the midst of packing and will most probably have to write down a list later to make sure i don't forget anything but ohmaigawd this is all still so surreal. one day i go from having a set routine and now, i'm packing to go abroad! hopefully the next 10 weeks will be enriching in every sense of the word.
i heard blogger is banned so i may or may not be able to blog. i might just be living in the year 2000 where i'm going.
till we meet again.
xx.
Friday, September 09, 2011
the elephant in the room
i have the attention span of a 4 year old. it's taken me 2 days to spring clean my room and i'm still not done yet. i still have to look through my drawers to see what treasures *cough* i've hidden in there. trust me, when it really boils down to it, i've NEVER used 90% of the stuff anyways. out it goes, into the trash.
and i'm enjoying the process of chucking things out. de-cluttering my space to make space for more junk wtf. of course not! from now onwards, i will only keep/buy things that is of absolute necessity. a need more than a want. disclaimer: does not apply to clothes, shoes, handbags, books, makeup...oh fuck, who am i kidding?
let's just say i will have a stronger willpower and spending control from now onwards. like why did i spend RM22 on a sparkly elephant from toys r us? because of my lack of control towards all things shiny, cute and because it was a pink elephant! HOW CUTE IS THAT?
i have no shame.
and i'm enjoying the process of chucking things out. de-cluttering my space to make space for more junk wtf. of course not! from now onwards, i will only keep/buy things that is of absolute necessity. a need more than a want. disclaimer: does not apply to clothes, shoes, handbags, books, makeup...oh fuck, who am i kidding?
let's just say i will have a stronger willpower and spending control from now onwards. like why did i spend RM22 on a sparkly elephant from toys r us? because of my lack of control towards all things shiny, cute and because it was a pink elephant! HOW CUTE IS THAT?
i have no shame.
Monday, September 05, 2011
patterns all arranged
this monday was unlike any other. for the first time in a long time, i didn't dread waking up.
running up that hill
today has been an insightful day. i didn't have an epiphany nor have i finally figured out what my next step is. but it somehow got me thinking deeper.
i'm going to backtrack a little here so bear with me. i've never really carved out a proper career path when i was younger. if i were to look through my school report books (remember those blue books that had ALL our grades and comments in it?) i think you will find that i've got there listed somewhere businesswoman. honest to goodness, i probably didn't think much about it then. i think it's because i wasn't exposed to the various options out in the market at that time. early 2000s.
the only time i started seriously thinking about what i wanted to do was after SPM. i wasn't farsighted then. i didn't know anything about pre-U or diploma. when i started shopping around for the types of courses i could take, it was then it became real! i had to make serious decisions and i still didn't know what my ambition was! do i take pre-U, foundation studies or jump straight into a diploma program? from there i discovered communication studies. i didn't know what i want but i knew what i didn't want. why is it so easy to know what you don't want but when it comes to finding out what you want, it's the damn hardest thing!? it then becomes a process of eliminating what i wanted and what i didn't want.
ok, so i knew i wanted to take up communications and that i did. now i've got myself a degree from a pretty reputable university. what now? i don't know if this is an attitude problem on my part or a part of me that just doesn't want to conform but i didn't want to take the traditional path of securing myself a degree and then finding myself a proper job and all that shebang. i've never seen myself in a corporate environment till i landed myself a telephone interview april 2010. i can still remember where i had that call and what i was doing. for a sliver of a moment, i could envision myself in a power suit, in an office with glass windows and high-backed chairs and wide tables. i literally saw the ladder that i wanted to climb!
the telephone interview was an international call and i was told that i would be notified if i could move on to the next round which was the face-to-face interview to be held at a later date. i have to say, applying wasn't as simple as submitting a resume and keeping my fingers crossed that they'd pick me to be considered. i had to answer a gazillion questions on top of writing a cover letter and fine tuning my resume. i probably spent about 2 hours applying for it. what i'm trying to say is that i didn't think much about it after submitting my application. the position wasn't even something that was related to my field of studies! but after researching on the background of the company and pretty much matching most of the criteria, what the heck! i haven't got anything to lose.
long story short, i made it through each and every interview round. an amazing feat considering i was probably the only fresh graduate to be shortlisted, there were those with work experience and even a master holder! i was shitting my pants with excitement. this was a huge moment for me because i made it on my own accord. no strings were pulled. my hands weren't held every step of the way. it was as though God made the way for me.
till i screwed it up. i think we all know the ending to this story.
so what i'm trying to dig from this tale is that for a moment, i actually wanted to climb that damn corporate ladder! i was burning for it. for the chase. for the rush.
eventually i did work in a corporate company. make that two. that fire i had when i first got the phone call back in april 2010 wasn't there. in turn, i resented it. hated it. the politics behind it. the thought of spending the rest of my life in the same place for two, five or twenty years scared the bejeezus out of me! i wanted out and i wanted it bad.
and that i did. from the pan into the fire, some may say and right now, looking back in retrospect, i absolutely agree. would i be able to make an informed decision like this if i didn't go through what i went through? heck no. i'd rather go through the pain and suffering than wonder what if?
what if is such a dirty word, isn't it? it mocks you till your deathbed and it could be the one unfinished business as you have as you lay there dying. i could never live with that, could you? prior to entering my second corporate company, i had many discouraging me from doing so. i was caught in between. i was comfortable where i was yet i had this burning a hole in the back of my mind. i was even settled comfortable into the current job prior to the switch. i was doing pretty good for someone with zero experience. if anything, i felt absolutely blessed. God was truly blessing me. all honour and glory i give to Him.
but my curiosity and my misled passion had me taking the jump. fuck it. if i don't make the change now, i never will. i had stumbling blocks along the way. both experiences were not smooth sailing. they were both bittersweet but lucky for me, i tend to remember the better part of the experiences more than the not-so-great ones hence my positive outlook. i'm not trying to be preachy but it's hard to deny the fact that a greater being out there is looking out for me. i remember once when i was down in the dumps and i said;
'sometimes it's hard to be so optimistic all the time when everything is just not going well'
(how profound of me wtf)
where's the silver lining in all that negativity? i'm not ashamed to say that i've cried about my situation. y'know why? cause crying helps. especially the kind where you're really crying with your body heaving and your tears are big and overflowing. let them suckers out. if anything, it's your body's way taking care of itself and also a way of physically letting the emotions out. your sadness, anger, disappointment and frustration's need an outlet too. just make sure to cry on the weekends when you don't have to see anybody the next day. swollen eyes are pretty hard to cover up even with concealer wtf. somehow though through all that i've been through, it's something that i have to go through. like a rite of passage wtf. i've been thrown into the deep end in both companies and survived! nothing can stop me now!
can't touch this, ice ice baby wtf.
once again, i've made another jump. this time, it's not into another corporate company although i still think that i can do way better than become a corporate slave! ultimately the goal is to be my own boss. how and by what means, i haven't figured that out yet. if i have to work in more corporate companies to achieve that goal, then so be it.
will it be pretentious of me if i say that i believe the year 2012 will be an AWESOME year for me? the next three to four months will somehow be a determining factor for me. i feel like my life is about to take off for real now.
i shall end with something that i learned recently;
slow in, fast out.
fast in, NO out!
this is actually advice for when driving in roads that bend or when you're cornering. you must turn in slow and then you can accelerate safely out. going in fast will only lead to you crashing or jamming your poor brakes senseless which will lead to you slowing down at the end and barely making it out.
there are many wrongs that i would like to make right but for now this will do.
i'm going to backtrack a little here so bear with me. i've never really carved out a proper career path when i was younger. if i were to look through my school report books (remember those blue books that had ALL our grades and comments in it?) i think you will find that i've got there listed somewhere businesswoman. honest to goodness, i probably didn't think much about it then. i think it's because i wasn't exposed to the various options out in the market at that time. early 2000s.
the only time i started seriously thinking about what i wanted to do was after SPM. i wasn't farsighted then. i didn't know anything about pre-U or diploma. when i started shopping around for the types of courses i could take, it was then it became real! i had to make serious decisions and i still didn't know what my ambition was! do i take pre-U, foundation studies or jump straight into a diploma program? from there i discovered communication studies. i didn't know what i want but i knew what i didn't want. why is it so easy to know what you don't want but when it comes to finding out what you want, it's the damn hardest thing!? it then becomes a process of eliminating what i wanted and what i didn't want.
ok, so i knew i wanted to take up communications and that i did. now i've got myself a degree from a pretty reputable university. what now? i don't know if this is an attitude problem on my part or a part of me that just doesn't want to conform but i didn't want to take the traditional path of securing myself a degree and then finding myself a proper job and all that shebang. i've never seen myself in a corporate environment till i landed myself a telephone interview april 2010. i can still remember where i had that call and what i was doing. for a sliver of a moment, i could envision myself in a power suit, in an office with glass windows and high-backed chairs and wide tables. i literally saw the ladder that i wanted to climb!
the telephone interview was an international call and i was told that i would be notified if i could move on to the next round which was the face-to-face interview to be held at a later date. i have to say, applying wasn't as simple as submitting a resume and keeping my fingers crossed that they'd pick me to be considered. i had to answer a gazillion questions on top of writing a cover letter and fine tuning my resume. i probably spent about 2 hours applying for it. what i'm trying to say is that i didn't think much about it after submitting my application. the position wasn't even something that was related to my field of studies! but after researching on the background of the company and pretty much matching most of the criteria, what the heck! i haven't got anything to lose.
long story short, i made it through each and every interview round. an amazing feat considering i was probably the only fresh graduate to be shortlisted, there were those with work experience and even a master holder! i was shitting my pants with excitement. this was a huge moment for me because i made it on my own accord. no strings were pulled. my hands weren't held every step of the way. it was as though God made the way for me.
till i screwed it up. i think we all know the ending to this story.
so what i'm trying to dig from this tale is that for a moment, i actually wanted to climb that damn corporate ladder! i was burning for it. for the chase. for the rush.
eventually i did work in a corporate company. make that two. that fire i had when i first got the phone call back in april 2010 wasn't there. in turn, i resented it. hated it. the politics behind it. the thought of spending the rest of my life in the same place for two, five or twenty years scared the bejeezus out of me! i wanted out and i wanted it bad.
and that i did. from the pan into the fire, some may say and right now, looking back in retrospect, i absolutely agree. would i be able to make an informed decision like this if i didn't go through what i went through? heck no. i'd rather go through the pain and suffering than wonder what if?
what if is such a dirty word, isn't it? it mocks you till your deathbed and it could be the one unfinished business as you have as you lay there dying. i could never live with that, could you? prior to entering my second corporate company, i had many discouraging me from doing so. i was caught in between. i was comfortable where i was yet i had this burning a hole in the back of my mind. i was even settled comfortable into the current job prior to the switch. i was doing pretty good for someone with zero experience. if anything, i felt absolutely blessed. God was truly blessing me. all honour and glory i give to Him.
but my curiosity and my misled passion had me taking the jump. fuck it. if i don't make the change now, i never will. i had stumbling blocks along the way. both experiences were not smooth sailing. they were both bittersweet but lucky for me, i tend to remember the better part of the experiences more than the not-so-great ones hence my positive outlook. i'm not trying to be preachy but it's hard to deny the fact that a greater being out there is looking out for me. i remember once when i was down in the dumps and i said;
'sometimes it's hard to be so optimistic all the time when everything is just not going well'
(how profound of me wtf)
where's the silver lining in all that negativity? i'm not ashamed to say that i've cried about my situation. y'know why? cause crying helps. especially the kind where you're really crying with your body heaving and your tears are big and overflowing. let them suckers out. if anything, it's your body's way taking care of itself and also a way of physically letting the emotions out. your sadness, anger, disappointment and frustration's need an outlet too. just make sure to cry on the weekends when you don't have to see anybody the next day. swollen eyes are pretty hard to cover up even with concealer wtf. somehow though through all that i've been through, it's something that i have to go through. like a rite of passage wtf. i've been thrown into the deep end in both companies and survived! nothing can stop me now!
can't touch this, ice ice baby wtf.
once again, i've made another jump. this time, it's not into another corporate company although i still think that i can do way better than become a corporate slave! ultimately the goal is to be my own boss. how and by what means, i haven't figured that out yet. if i have to work in more corporate companies to achieve that goal, then so be it.
will it be pretentious of me if i say that i believe the year 2012 will be an AWESOME year for me? the next three to four months will somehow be a determining factor for me. i feel like my life is about to take off for real now.
i shall end with something that i learned recently;
slow in, fast out.
fast in, NO out!
this is actually advice for when driving in roads that bend or when you're cornering. you must turn in slow and then you can accelerate safely out. going in fast will only lead to you crashing or jamming your poor brakes senseless which will lead to you slowing down at the end and barely making it out.
there are many wrongs that i would like to make right but for now this will do.
Sunday, September 04, 2011
wide open space
i'm a hopeless romantic at heart. i read chick lits and i watch rom coms, even the horrible ones. reading this quote somehow validates the fact that not everything is picture perfect. i've certainly seen enough bad rom coms to see that not even the perfection of kate hudson can save a terrible terrible chick flick. sure, i don't need Bob Marley to tell me this, we're living in an imperfect world anyways. but when it comes to dating, i think we tend to put a certain degree of perfection to the partners we chose, choose or will eventually choose. we're not perfect beings so obviously we'll pick partners that are. find a flaw and out he goes.
when people find out that i'm single/unattached, the next question will be 'how come? is it cause you're choosy/picky?' i'm stumped and at a total loss of words. is that a rhetorical question? are they expecting me to have a valid answer? first of all, not being in a relationship is not the end of the world. i'll have you know that being single is not a crime and just because you are in one, that doesn't mean everyone has to be too. and second of all, yes. yes of course i'm picky. i am potentially engaging myself into a long term relationship that will have one of two possible routes; marriage or break-up. so excuse me for not getting into a relationship with every tom, dick and harry. sure, i'd go on dates but to be in an exclusive relationship? i think it's a given that i will be picky. of course this doesn't work out for the best for all. i've heard of people dating and committing 9 years of their lives together and end it. nobody knows. but the start of something new is something that i can have a say in.
but of course i don't say such things. i'm not itching to be in a relationship. in fact, i'm embracing this part of my life right now. sure, i've never been in a relationship before so don't expect me to give relationship advice anytime soon but at this point in my life right now, being in a relationship would be hazardous. this is the time for me to find myself and figure out who i really am. it's me time.
my friend recently started a dating 101 blog just for me! i say it's for me cause the blog add pretty much says it all 1014nat.blog.com
101 for nat, get it? so go ahead, click it and read it. it's new and will be updated every week. leave a comment or whatever but just read it. it may just give you some fresh perspective on dating. now, if only i know where all the single men hang out.
Saturday, September 03, 2011
pumpernickel
there's a sense of liberation in the air. my morning's are no longer filled with dread. does the air smell fresher today? my head isn't filled with justifications and excuses. no more snoozing the alarm, no more. it's been a year of this and finally, finally, i feel like the knots are finally loose. there's nothing final now. no more being tied down. seems like i can hop and skip and let the winds take me on its wings. instead of a fixed stability, i take courage in going into the unknown.
and from there, my journey truly begins.
this whole process took 3 months or so in the making. an idea sparked and a heart to heart later, here i am. i believe it was the situation that led to my decision. a very desperate one at that. i suppose you could say my limits were tested and pushed. i stood my ground. i reasoned. i plotted. i made no sudden movements on the surface but underneath i was a waddling duck. my head was filled and my heart heavy but i didn't want to rock the boat. i was set. for life. well, i was wrong. so very wrong. i'm 23 and i don't have it figured out. career wise i've probably hit a dead wall. i've done what i thought i wanted. you know the saying 'you want what you can't/don't have'? this was one of those moments. i got it but when i got it, it just didn't click and that humbles you as a person. i could work my whole life towards it and when i've finally reached it, it doesn't really add up in the end. up to the point of reaching it, everything is rosy to the point of idealistic. and just when i've grasped it, every illusion is shattered.
perhaps if i hadn't had the exposure prior to this, my situation would be different. i don't regret the past year. they helped open my eyes to a much bigger world. my perspectives are not what they used to be anymore. i was an idealist. my views were rose tinted and they were pretty. i wasn't in the most ideal situations but i had that build up in my head. i thought i achieved bliss and serenity but what i got was a very valuable lesson.
so here i go, moving into new territories. watch out world! here comes natasha wtf.
and from there, my journey truly begins.
this whole process took 3 months or so in the making. an idea sparked and a heart to heart later, here i am. i believe it was the situation that led to my decision. a very desperate one at that. i suppose you could say my limits were tested and pushed. i stood my ground. i reasoned. i plotted. i made no sudden movements on the surface but underneath i was a waddling duck. my head was filled and my heart heavy but i didn't want to rock the boat. i was set. for life. well, i was wrong. so very wrong. i'm 23 and i don't have it figured out. career wise i've probably hit a dead wall. i've done what i thought i wanted. you know the saying 'you want what you can't/don't have'? this was one of those moments. i got it but when i got it, it just didn't click and that humbles you as a person. i could work my whole life towards it and when i've finally reached it, it doesn't really add up in the end. up to the point of reaching it, everything is rosy to the point of idealistic. and just when i've grasped it, every illusion is shattered.
perhaps if i hadn't had the exposure prior to this, my situation would be different. i don't regret the past year. they helped open my eyes to a much bigger world. my perspectives are not what they used to be anymore. i was an idealist. my views were rose tinted and they were pretty. i wasn't in the most ideal situations but i had that build up in my head. i thought i achieved bliss and serenity but what i got was a very valuable lesson.
so here i go, moving into new territories. watch out world! here comes natasha wtf.
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