pumpernickel

there's a sense of liberation in the air. my morning's are no longer filled with dread. does the air smell fresher today? my head isn't filled with justifications and excuses. no more snoozing the alarm, no more. it's been a year of this and finally, finally, i feel like the knots are finally loose. there's nothing final now. no more being tied down. seems like i can hop and skip and let the winds take me on its wings. instead of a fixed stability, i take courage in going into the unknown.

and from there, my journey truly begins.

this whole process took 3 months or so in the making. an idea sparked and a heart to heart later, here i am.  i believe it was the situation that led to my decision. a very desperate one at that. i suppose you could say my limits were tested and pushed. i stood my ground. i reasoned. i plotted. i made no sudden movements on the surface but underneath i was a waddling duck. my head was filled and my heart heavy but i didn't want to rock the boat. i was set. for life. well, i was wrong. so very wrong. i'm 23 and i don't have it figured out. career wise i've probably hit a dead wall. i've done what i thought i wanted. you know the saying 'you want what you can't/don't have'? this was one of those moments. i got it but when i got it, it just didn't click and that humbles you as a person. i could work my whole life towards it and when i've finally reached it, it doesn't really add up in the end. up to the point of reaching it, everything is rosy to the point of idealistic. and just when i've grasped it, every illusion is shattered.

perhaps if i hadn't had the exposure prior to this, my situation would be different. i don't regret the past year. they helped open my eyes to a much bigger world. my perspectives are not what they used to be anymore. i was an idealist. my views were rose tinted and they were pretty. i wasn't in the most ideal situations but i had that build up in my head. i thought i achieved bliss and serenity but what i got was a very valuable lesson.

so here i go, moving into new territories. watch out world! here comes natasha wtf.