'lost and insecure
you found me'

that's my word/phrase for the task at hand.
writing experiments is...interesting. i don't have to churn out a narrative but that doesn't mean it's any easier. looking forward to honing my writing skills.

and my other class requires me to write a project diary, detailing the trials and tribulations of how to handle group work and conceptualizing a short film/feature film and coming up with a storyboard.

another class rewards me marks for setting up a twitter, delicious , flickr and youtube account.

and finally, i have this one class where i watch movies and then throw all sorts of theories at it.

this is it, my final semester. the final leg of the pre-race. once this is over, the race will finally begin.

this is it.

feeling contented with life right now. the wheels are moving smoothly and i'm just feeling good about life now :)

i have all i need, right here, right now.

and,

never say NEVER!

LOL :)

first week of a brand new semester just went by. by the looks of things, this semester will fly by and before i know it, i'll be graduating and thrust into the dog-eat-dog world of the working world. joy.

yet, before my 13 weeks go by in a flash, i'm still in a dilemma. there is this one subject which i'm taking which i'm not really sure of. whether i should continue with it or drop it and take something else. what to do what to do?

sigh.

after overloading last sem, this sem seems freer somehow. maybe because looking at my timetable, i don't see 5 lecture slots and 5 tutorials slots. trust me, you might think adding an additional subject may not look like alot but it IS. very exhausting. which is why i'm planning to enjoy my last sem. the very last sem of my undergraduate years. whoa. it feels surreal saying it. i don't think it has actually sunk in yet.

yet, i'm not phased by it. i don't feel any fears of what's gonna happen in the future. i know that through Him i can do everything :) i'll take it one step at a time (jordin sparks, date unknown wtf)

ohh..if all goes well today, i might just end up with a very nice piece of canggihness *fingers crossed*

i just finished watching ugly betty and omg i want her job and her boyfriend.

9 days away

9 days in jogja and i am finally back in the confines of my home. the familiar. the comforts of home. the place where i can sleep on a comfortable bed and wake up to a hot shower.

9 days.

first night there i was petrified. the room's cleanliness and hygiene were questionable. walls were peeling, screaming for a fresh new coat of paint. the ceiling reminded me of the japanese horror film, water. patches of water marks scattered around the ceiling. thankfully the room was dark enough to hide the flaws in the morning otherwise, i would think i was staring in my very own horror film. the one blanket provided, had to be shared by two was utterly horrific yet i couldn't not use it. i needed it. the nights were freezing cold despite there being no ac to cool the room. we only had the fan and the cooling jogja night weather. the blanket had a funny smell and made my legs itch because of the vast amount of bulu popping out of it. yet, i still couldn't not sleep without it. even the pillow made me shudder just thinking of laying my head on it. i can only the god's that be who created hoodies. and don't get me started with the toilet. green tiles, seriously? vomit inducing and absolutely gross. especially with that particular shade of green. the only thing i can be thankful for is the working flush. otherwise, god knows what we'll do when a dump needs to be made. hot shower? think again. more like a pail and a tub of freezing cold water, my grandmother's house style. imagine having to bathe early in the morning in such conditions. no wonder many of us had the slight case of the sniffles. or maybe it was just me. that's not all. we even found a huge ass insect whose species i am not familiar with in the toilet while one of us was bathing! frickin' scary. since that incident, whenever i go into the toilet, i check the floors to make sure it is bug-free.

yet, the 8 nights we were there, affection and attachment had been cultivated. the room was the very room we all went home to at the end of a busy and tiring day. the musky smelled room was home for the week we were there so no matter how bad the condition was, it was home to us. the room condition was so bad that some of my fellow travelers contemplated moving into the nearest hotel which had a functioning toilet with hot showers and ac yet they managed to suck it in and rough it out with the rest of us.

i'm not gonna lie. the first day there, i was ready to go home. yet, the powers that be must have foreseen that going home early would end the start of one of the most amazing trips i have ever been on. friendships had been built and friendships have been sealed.

seeing the things that i have seen made me realize how privileged i am and how easily the simple things in life like a clean and comfortable bed, hot showers and clean walls are taken for granted. leader of the pack, dr. yeoh has definitely succeeded in making the familiar unfamiliar, breaking down what was seen as trivial to us and bringing us back to basics.

i should have put up the link earlier before leaving but hey, better late than never!

so read all about what i did in my search of yogyakarta *click*

now all i am looking forward to is sleeping on my bed and resting my head on my clean pillow and waking up knowing that i don't have to scream and shiver in freezing water though after so many nights and days of bathing in cold water has made my body adjust to the level of coldness i had to endure. splashing cold water no longer seemed like a task yet still it didn't make me enjoy the entire process.

this trip has made me realize that i can adapt to any situation and try to make the best out of it. maybe having the convenience of shopping and fast food at my doorstep made the adaptation slightly smoother but nevertheless, i made it through. and definitely the sight of the many familiar faces going through the same things as i made me know that i was not the only one. talking about the room condition and crazy morning baths, probably brought us a little closer. the sights and sounds of jogja were so different from here that it was easy to appreciate the differences of the familiar and unfamiliar. graffiti on public walls, street musicians busking openly and peaceful street demonstrations shows just how vastly different 2 countries in the same region can be. i've seen and interacted with the locals in ways i could never have if not for this cultural trip. organized tours only show you the beauty of a country not the nitty gritty. cultural trips like the one organized by my lecturer brought us 10 steps closer to the locals and showed us the beauty and ugly of the going ons in the country. and from what i've seen, i've seen so much of beauty that even the amazing borobudur, prambanan temple, kraton and mount merapi have no match for the hospitality of the people of jogja that made my stay in jogja all the more amazing in this amazing mix of batik, music and art of a state.

today is gonna be the day
that we're gonna learn something new
by now we should have realized
jogja's got something new
we don't believe that anybody could feel the we do
about you now

back beat the word is on the street
that the fire in our heart is lit
we don't believe that anybody could feel the way we do
about you now

We've seen so much our bright new eyes are yearning,
For all we've done, we'll spread the word concerning,
There are many things that we would like to say to you but we don't know how..

Hey maybe,
We say Terima Kasih....
and after all.... you're so Wonderful...

*sung to oasis' wonderwall and minta ampun, i forgot some of the lyrics so i'm just putting up what i remembered.

ps: feeling pretty inspired and probably suffering from the one hour jet-lag wtfwtf.

hullo. i is back home sweet home. been gone for 5 days. which totals to 5 days without internet connection. damn it feels good to be back.

it was a whirlwind of endless walking and spending. a much deserved break to say the least. the past weeks (in regards to the 1st semester of course) had me broken inside out. literally exhausting me of whatever ounce of energy i had left. trying to salvage the remaining pieces of what's left. i breathed a huge sigh of relief that very friday i put the final dot of the full stop on that exam booklet. shook the ache of writing like i've never written before and walked out feeling lighter. i stood taller. i smiled wider. i made it through the wilderness.

and now, i'm already in the second week of my break. 2 out of 3. 2 days left before i go off again. excitement filled me a minute ago. now, all i wanna do is just stay, glued to one spot and not move. just the rise and fall of my beating heart. the sound of me breathing.

and then, i'm all excited again. head filled with excitement and the thrill of going somewhere new and foreign.

and the cycle continues.

this is probably due to the nature of how things work in the body, mind and soul of a hot-blooded female. that time of month where you're literally hot and cold in a split second. uncontrollable. unstoppable.

nevertheless, am totally looking forward to my next trip. a study tour is the official name for it. hopefully i can try to put my skills to the test. whatever the skills may be. i have yet to find out what my skills may be. but if this trip can open eyes to whatever possibilites and outcomes it may have on my future, then it will be a life-changing trip. otherwise, it will just be a great trip with a bunch of great people.

i go with the flow. and so far, the flow has been good to me. *knocks on wood*

Southern Style

'So what's happening'?" Lula asked.
'This couple's goin' on a date to Hawaii,' said Sailor. 'The girl chose him over two other guys.'
'Don't the reject guys get anythin'?'
'Gift certificates to Kentucky Fried Chicken,' Sailor said.
'That don't seem fair,' said Lula.
'Hell why should The Datin' Game be different from real life?' asked Sailor. 'At least them boys is gonna get something' to eat.'

-The Wild Life of Sailor and Lula, Barry Gifford

back to where we started. the beginning of my relationship with apple and it's wondrous creations.

that is the very first iPod shuffle, yo! ol' skool so cool.

as you know, my iPod nano is dead and gone (t.i. and j.t. 'dead and gone' wtf). maybe not dead, but most certainly gone =( which is why i have to use this ol' skool priceless (literally!) life saver. it keeps me company when studying. brings me joy that words cannot describe.

final paper coming soon!

and a date with megan fox right after ;)

drinks after? bwahahahaha...

i miss being able to listen to my songs anywhere and everywhere.

i miss knowing that i have at least one piece of comfort with me wherever i go.

i miss my ipod nano and i don't even have a photo to remember it by.

=( *wipes tears*

i have all this great blog ideas to blog about but when i sit my ass in front of a blank page, i go blank.

i think i should get a blackberry? yes? no? then i can blog anytime anywhere.

failed excuse in justifying why i should get such a canggih phone.

i hate it when the connection starts to lag and pages don't load like they're supposed to. hello, in the 21st century already. connection must keep up with the times. this is not the dial-up era. omg, do you even remember those? i so remember having to dial the connection and waiting for it to be connected.

that's what is should be. back in the days. not now NOW. future people. keep up with the program please. how can we be stuck with lagging connections?

i always go online and face the same old problem. but i guess it's better than no connection at all. sometimes i have good connection, sometimes i have terrible horrendous connection. you win some, you lose some.

oh wells.

by next week friday, i will be done done DONE with semester 1 =D

today's yumcha session was a very surprising one. i met a long lost friend. primary school friend to be exact. classmates in standard 1 and 2. i still remember, the four of us always together. ahh..memories. this was like...ZOMG!!! 14 years ago +_____+ i'm so old. i'm old enough to say 14 years ago wtf.

isn't it wonderful how small the world is? how one person can be friends with this person and then ka-boom you find out they're friends with this other person. 6 degrees of separation LOL.

overactive imagination turns reality. for real.

you know how you sometimes play the worst case scenario in your head when you're doing something? like say, you're walking down the street, you sometimes imagine someone's gonna come from nowhere and grab your bag. or sometimes when you're watching a movie and something tragic happens, you imagine what would you do if you were in the same situation. but at the end of the day, just before you lay your head to sleep, nothing bad ever really happens and it was all just you being paranoid of the world. heck, you think you have an overactive imagination. as if everyone out there is out to get you. look, she's using that handphone, she's wearing that necklace. everyone is suddenly out to take something from you.

well.

guess what?

overactive imagination finally decided to become reality. if you don't know already - facebook very good way to let the world know what happened - i was robbed.

don't worry. i'm fine. the bastard - from now onwards, whatever derogatory name i can think of will be used to describe the son of a bitch - only took my things. he didn't lay a finger on me. i can only thank God for that because only God knows what would have happened to me.

i was sleeping when it happened. deep sleep somemore if i could sleep through whatever commotion the motherfucker made when he was happily shopping in my room. so that was probably wise of me. the sleeping part. i dare not think what would happen if i woke up while he was in my room. okay, let's not go there. mental pictures are appearing in my head now.

the incident probably happened around 3-4am. now i'm wondering. how could he see in the dark? the window blinds were closed and i sleep with the lights off. damn that fucking asshole.

i feel violated. i was 'attacked' when i was most vulnerable. do you know how vulnerable you are when you are sleeping? okay. i should stop. mental images of possible ifs are appearing.

DAMN THAT FUCKTARD.

i'm still reeling with geramness at what happened. suddenly you think of 'oh i should have kept this and that in the drawer/cupboard'. CRAP LAH. it's done and over with. nothing can change that but then you still think of what you should have done. fuck this lah. i'm not supposed to feel like this.

i only got up when my dad came up to my room and asked me if i kept my jewellery box in the room. at first, when he asked, the question didn't really register. i think i mumbled a no saying i never took any box out of my room. then he persisted with another question of i kept anything in a the red box that was on my dresser. since i was already rudely awaken by a question that seemed nonsensical at 7.50 AM, i went to see the box in the other room. that was when i saw that ALL my accesories were GONE. i then rushed back to my room and realized one of my bag was missing. and then the other missing items were taken note of. watch and camera all gone. handphone which was on my bedside table, no prizes for correct answer, MISSING! FUCK THE SON OF A BITCH. he was THAT close to me. my bedside table. my head lying inches away from the table. DAMN THAT MOTHER FUCKER.

i don't know whether to laugh or cry when i saw my mac was safely on the table.

further inspection really made me wonder if i should laugh or cry. my pendrive was missing. my pendrive filled with assignments and lecture notes was missing but my laptop was still on my study table. the other joy in this otherwise terrible tragedy that has ever befallen me. hopefully the only one. i don't think i can take it if i have to go through this another time.

i can't remember what i felt. but after awhile i started to get mad. the first thought was probably 'GREAT, this had to happen during my exam period lah!'

yes. there i was worrying about authorship and THIS had to happen.

one day lost. and as if i can read now. i have all this geramness still in me and the what if scenarios keep playing in my head.

and i'm actually quite paranoid now. what if he comes back again since it was so easy the first time?

and i just found out just now that one of the kitchen knife is missing. OMG HE HAD A KNIFE WHEN HE WAS IN MY ROOM. I COULD HAVE BEEN dot dot dot...

the funny thing is, for the past 15 years i was living in a non-gated area. my old place was next to a main road. robberies happened outside my house NOT in it. now, i'm living in a gated area and 6 months later, for the first time in my entire life, i was robbed. goes to show that nothing is really as it seems. you think you're safe and protected just cause you're living in an area with high walls surrounding your area and 2 security guards guarding the ONLY entry and exit point of your area. you could never be more wrong.

now, my door is locked and i'm gonna sleep with the lights on.

i am totally digging capital fm's playlist right now. the music they're playing is making me wanna get up and dance and drink and be merry.

damn those exams.

and a bug just crawled up my leg.

it's now lying semi-crushed in the dustbin.

E-E-W. gross!

sucks but i have to watch another hitchcock film if i wanna answer a hitchcock related question for my exam. i'm afraid to watch vertigo alone. i don't know what to expect.

i wish it was xmas cos i want a blackberry.

i also want that pair of heels i am lusting after. but they don' have 'em in my size anymore. if you were a good salesperson, you would try and console me by recommending me another pair which has similarities with the pair i covet or maybe a pair which is better than the one i wanted.

but you're not.

not many people love their jobs. i hope i'll love whatever i get myself into.

I am colorblind

Coffee black and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am taffy stuck and tongue tied
Stutter shook and uptight

Pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am fine

I am covered in skin

No one gets to come in

Pull me out from inside

I am folded and unfolded and unfolding

I am colorblind

Coffee black and egg white

Pull me out from inside

I am ready

I am fine

~Colorblind [Counting Crows]

i have a lot of things to say but i...don't know how to put them in words. right now, my mind is just jumbled up with so much i don't know how to organize them. all over the place, fighting to be in the front of the line, trying to get my attention. and all i can do is let 'em float around and wait for 'em to settle down.

waiting for the dust to settle.

but i can say this. i handed up my final assignment! woot woot.

one down baybee and another to go! can i get a woot woot?

once i complete this final assignment, i'll be home free. sorta. who can escape exams? but nevermind. once that's done with, its the holidaaaays baybeeeeeee....

shake-a shake-a boom boom.

last week of classes and then its exams and then its 3 weeks of break and then the cycle repeats.

oh joy.

i watched 2 movies in 2 days, totaling of rm19 +___+ that's like 5 dvds or less. nevermind. i haven't been to the movies in a looong time. the first movie this year was wolverine. my first time in gsc 1u and i have to say that the cinema there is very cool in my books. seats are wide and headrest is high enough to lean on.

gsc summit and tgv pyramid must learn something from them. cinematic experience must be taken to another level. haven't tried the ones in the garden. i think that one has special seats too.

today we felt like high school kids all over again. 3 of us have driving license but not one of us drove. at the end of the day we had to call for our 'driver'. a true friend indeed =) we like totally lurve you now. you have all our lovin' wtf.

yesterday was terminator. today was angelsanddemons. both very kan cheong.

waiting for more blockbusters to come...

i need to prepare a draft for my writing class tomorrow but i can't come up with anything now. i realize i cannot conjure up a story under pressure! or maybe i'm just blocking the story. maybe it's already in there in my head somewhere, waiting to be unearthed. and i'm just sitting here blogging. good job, nat. good job.

wasting my time only.

***

my mom threatened to take the chair away because i pile all my bags and clothes on it.

in my defense the chair is damn convenient. just chuck everything on it. how i wish i can just chuck away the whatevers, the unknowns and the i-don't-cares.

i need to clear the chair up so asses can plop themselves onto it. bags need to be in the closet. clothes need to be hanged.

***

i cannot believe it but the semester is coming to an end. my second last semester is coming to an end. next semester is my final semester and after that, i'm gonna be thrust into the unknown +__+

scary shyt.

***

i also cannot believe this but i survived 12 wednesdays. torturous wednesdays! 9-6 classes. crazy shyt. never am i gonna schedule my classes this way ever again!

***

i really need to start writing on that draft.

***

i really want to watch a movie.

***

besides blogging random things, i am also deleting emails from my uni account. i have taken up the maximum storage space. i tried to send the emails to my personal account but it never seems to go there. i suspect i need to have a gmail account for that.

***

i need me some retail therapy.

***

i'm really sleepy. i've been sleeping early for the past few days.

i've also been taking ridiculously long naps which don't really constitute as naps when they take longer than 20 minutes i think.

***

just found out that san francisco coffee in cafeteria has a buy one free one deal. coolios.

only paid rm8 for my extreme mocha. i wonder what's in extreme buzz?

today i was a lazy ass. like literally.

i woke up at 10.30.
i skipped _____. (better not say it, this might be used against me by ____)
i took a 4 hour nap +____+
i have a presentation powerpoint to prepare and so far i only have 3 slides +__________+
i am STILL tired and sleepy even after the 4 hour nap.

FML lyk srsly.