twentyten

it's really bad timing to be sick now but there's nothing i can do about it. i feel the trickles of a sore throat coming and my nose is already giving way to a full out flu. soon. unless i have like 1000 x infinity intakes of vitamin C now. but that would just make things worst, wont it?so what's a soon to be sick girl to do on the eve of a public holiday (way to go Harimau Malaysia yea yea yea) and NYE? i reminisce of the year that is soon to be called the year that was. 2010 has been a test of many a things. i feel like i've been riding the highs and drowning in the lows. and to be standing at this point and staring at the view before me, 2010 has certainly made me grow a lil' wiser and definitely more 'tahan lasak'! if i can go through the worst days of my life and then make a 180 degree turn from that, i say 2010 has been crazy. if i cried more tears than the last five years combined, i say bring on the tissues. fyi, i think crying frees the soul. so if there's anger or sadness cry it out, sister! or brother (men today are so different from the generation before us).

in no particular order, here are some of the highlights of my 2010;

#1

graduation! this was one of the best days of my life!

#2

lips turning 21. the highlight was the after-party! i will say no more.

#3

chinese new year!

#4

first family holiday of the year

#5

turning a year older...

#6

random shenanigans

#7

london for the very first time!

#8

appreciating modern art

#9

discovering that we are modern artists in the making! all those pictures taken in the toilet mirror has not been in vain.

#10

according to Jman, i had a miley cyrus moment but i dont care. it was the highlight of my trip hands down ;D

#11

discovering stroopwaffles for the first time!

#12

the famous duckrice experience after 2 failed attempts.

#13

in the midst of the world cup fever, i visited Liverpool.

so that's some of the highlights of my 2010.

happy 2011, folks!

last Xmas i gave you my heart

i think the more you want something, the harder it is to get it. and then you wait. patiently, impatiently is a whole other matter but you wait. and when it's within grasp, you reach out your hand. touch it and pull your hand back like you would touching a hot pot sitting on a stove. just a touch and you begin to rethink the entire situation. but you want more cos that slight touch has ignited and stirred this hidden desire. suddenly i'm trying to find ways to keep trying to catch this enigma. i sit here and think about it when i should really be doing something about it.

really, i just want somebody to loveeeeeeeee...justin beiber tells me so all the time.

it's a promise.

cast your burdens on Me and I will look after you (Psalm 55:22)

i'm lovin' it

good news should come in a happy package but somehow, this doesnt exactly warrant one. plus, it coming earlier than it should makes it even the more exciting. but it's an emotional blackhole. try as i might to make myself LIKE the work that i'm doing and i do that pretty often whenever i'm alone. i tell myself, 'hey, this isn't so bad, eh?' or 'i'm already doing it anyways, i can do it for a longer term, eh?' fuck this shit. it's the road to denial, innit? but self motivation is there so i guess credits got to be given, no?

want to know what i really wish for? that life doesn't have to go a certain way. i know there are no rules when it comes to livin' the life i want to live but i put myself there anyways. there are steps and measures to be taken that was set up a long long time ago which have been followed through by many and i think i've pretty much aced those steps so why aren't i happy? right now, i earn enough to buy the things that i want (within budget of course which really isnt that much in the first place, eh?) and yet, that really isn't enough to keep me afloat. try as i may, my arms are getting tired and numb from all that treading to keep afloat. throw me a life buoy right now.

i know of friends who have found their happiness in life. and they succeeded in their first try and here i am suffocating.

truth be told, half the time i honestly don't know what i'm doing. when i say i go with the flow, i literally go with the flow. and i'm hoping the flow will take me to boogie town where i can whip my hair back and forth and just be...happy.

i whip my hair back and forth

left, right and centre, i only hear discouragement.

what do you do in times like these?

the million dollar question i can NEVER give a straight answer to; what do you want?

i mean, in the general sense of the word, there are many material things that i would love to have but that's not what they're really asking me. so really, what do i want?

a career. check. but a career in what?

a boyfriend. yes but don't ask me why i don't have one now. actually, don't ask anyone why they don't have one. it could be a life choice and not a condition.

a blackberry. oh yes! with a data plan too just so i can tweet about random shit that happens to me on the spot ie. a bloody kancil just flashed me on the fast lane?!. i always tweet about it in my head so i figure having access to the net 24/7 will make me uber happy.

oh santa, if you're real, i would really like to know,

what happens next?

walking distance

things seem to be progressing positively. but that's just on the surface. it's when you dig deeper where you find the rough edges, bumps and twist and turns. everyday i tell myself, something better will come along. in the grander scheme of things, this will all lead to something.

something.

something.

something.

what thing?

round the clock

i saw way too many teenyboppers today. but that wasn't the worst part. nothing can beat this.

i got a call this morning. picked it up and what do you know, it was a customer enquiring. fine, yada yada yada, then he asked if i am working today? no. it's a public holiday.

oh, so you don't work round the clock?

jaw drop. face palm. head desk.

the many fascinating levels of how the human mind can function and form ridiculous statements such as the above, baffles me.

talking to the moon

is it called giving up or letting go when you decide it's for the best to quit?

am i giving up? sure, i can hold on a lil' longer but should i, after knowing for a fact that i absolutely can't stand this anymore?

or am i actually letting go and allowing myself to finally go pursue something else that i want. something that i want on my own without anyone pushing me towards to it, painted views and aspirations on the back of my head.

i don't need no permission to stop or start. i just need support.

the other side

this feeling of dread isnt supposed to be this bad. i am literally dreading monday.

if only quitting were that easy.

it's literally 4o minutes before midnight and here i am having this heavy heart and dread about tomorrow. i am literally afraid of my handphone. everytime it rings, i say a little prayer, hoping that it's either my parents or a friend. i want to cry about it but crying only gives me a swollen eye the next day. this is unhealthy right, if i keep telling anyone who would listen how much i hate this.

and i do. hate this.

yes, i am an idealist with very romantic ideas about life.

and it sucks.

singing the

m-m-monday blues...

big bang

at the traffic light today, i saw a heartbroken man cry. he was furious, an emotional wreck. slamming on the window and biting his hand because the physical pain was much more bearable than the ache he felt in his heart.

he was crying.

while she sat there, stone-faced and emotionless amidst the tidal waves of pain and anguish circulating in that tiny space.

he was screaming.

she was silent.

i've never seen a man cry like that. not in real life. the car was shaking from the angry and hurt vibrations emanating from every pore of his body. the heat could scald your skin if you dared to go near him.

she was cold as ice.

he couldn't control his tears. they kept blurring his vision. he couldn't wipe them away like the wipers that wiped the rain drops away. his sleeves were soaked. soaked with the tears that seemed to stream from a broken tap that just won't stop.

his hands were bruised.

from hitting the steering wheel. from flinging his arms all over the tiny space of a car that seemed better fit for a 12 year old than a grown man. he only kept hitting the side window because that pain was real and controllable. but really, that pain could be healed in a day or two. what he felt then, it was forever.

he was heartbroken.

at least that was how i saw it. the woman beside him. another being just like i. just like him. but she wasn't just another woman. he was hurt. and she was the cause of the hurt. he kept wiping tears away.

while she sat there in silence.

green light.

and we'll move on to the next thing till another red light stops us.

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done

1) giving up. i quit ballet and piano. the not-so-saving grace; i was young and stupid.

2) impulse buying.

3) agreeing to things that i dont want to do

4) missed opportunities

5) screw up the interview. things could be different. better or worse, i dont know. but definitely different.

6) procrastinate

from ny to la

once again, i broke down. and this time, it hit me hard. harder than before. do i wait for the final straw or just let things continue on and keep on accepting the hardblows as they come?

i need to get out of here.

the art of winning

tonight was the first time i left the office at 10pm. the business is getting crazier. my phone rings ALL the frickin' time. i have THIS bunch of files pending on my desk. and still there's more coming in. after 4 months into the job, it is starting to get challenging. i don't have time to pee. but that's just because the toilet is far.

today i got a pleasant surprise on my desk. no, it wasn't my dream man seating naked on my desk but close. before leaving for my appointment, i locked my computer. so when i got back in the evening, i moved my mouse and keyed in my password. then when i saw that my email and documents weren't popping up on the screen, i went 'WHO TOUCHED MY COMPUTER >:('

AND that was when i realized something was amiss. i could see the keys on my keyboard clearly. that's weird. then i looked at the monitor. it's brighter. HOLY CRAP i got new toy! that totally made my day.

i don't know how i could miss that.

oh yeah, cos i work hard for my money.

today was supposed to end well when i got a call from time out kl. was told i won tix to catch paramore live. fuck me, this would be the first time i win something that i truly wanted. but that came crashing down when i received another call late evening telling me i was only shortlisted. what that means is that i'll only get tix when the winners don't collect them. yeah, like that's going to happen. bloody idiots. how can this happen? i asked them what they were going to compensate me with and they said i could get their magazine. such joy. i was going to sing praises about time out kl but not anymore. this isn't some kuntum magazine organizing some workshop to improve your math skills. this is an international magazine organizing a concert and they make blunders like this? so does that mean they've been calling up the 'wrong' winners today?

if i wasnt so swamped up at work i would have given them a piece of my mind. it's ridiculous really. it's like giving somebody a birthday present and then taking it back the next day. and don't get me started on that gossip writer from the star. she has a section in the star rage on celebrity gossip. anyways, i joined an online contest where you guessed the celebrity or some shit like that and wahseh, i got all the answers right (E! why don't you hire me already?!) and won myself 2 movie tickets. got the email to send in my address. replied the email. 6-8 months later? i'm still waiting. in between then and now i sent in an email asking her where my tickets are and no reply. professional.

so i suppose i have something to learn here. don't do unto others what you dont want done unto you.

looks like it'll be another busy day tomorrow.

cause everyone has something to say on this perfect 10 day

while others are busy getting married on this day of 101010, i was busy staying put in one place and just sitting still. i didnt have to rush for a dateline or reply an email or photocopy documents. all i had to worry about was food and what dvd to watch next. i didnt even have to worry about my phone ringing from customers who are clearly paranoid about something that could wait till monday. but i digress. this day of sunday, 10 october 2010 was a perfect day. so perfect, i'm getting the monday blues before monday rolls in :(

i watched 3 movies today and one of them made it into my favourite list. before the film ended too!

chocolat starring juliette binoche and johnny depp.

everything in it was...delectable!

sexy.

i want to learn how to make chocolate and then open my own chocolaterie.

sneaky sneaky

3 months and a week ago, i went through a major change. once again, i'm back where i started. new location. new people. new system. it's the same old same old yet different. i told myself that i shouldnt get too comfortable in my comfort zone and obviously i didnt listen to my own advice. nevertheless, good change. new lessons to be learned. i'm looking at the same things differently now.

conclusion. i'm changing. i'm upping my game, homie.

please note that i didnt quit my job. i'm still employed by the same employer, only difference is the location. i just thought i should i have a disclaimer incase some of you wanted to toast/console me wtf.

this is too good to not share. parking in DU absolutely sucks. it's so bad they double park everywhere that it's now legal!

no. i made that up but it sure does feel like it.

being the law abiding citizen that i am *proud wtf* i parked in a proper yellow box. at about 3pm, i had to go out and there i find my car blocked by a another car and to make matters worst, i couldnt get into the driver's seat cause a green motorcycle was blocking my way. FTS i couldnt get access into my car to honk the two bastards who were blocking me! i wanted to phyically move the bike away but was afraid doing so would break my nails. so i went to the passenger seat and sat there and honked away.

bloody hell. the driver of the car blocking me was standing by his car the whole time doing gawd knows what under the bloody hot sun and there i was sweating my fats away and he didnt hear or see me?! only when the guy who drove the green bike came running out of the '4 ekor' shop did the man behind take note and commented 'eh, your car is it? i didnt see the driver so i didnt know you want to come out'.

PLUS the bike owner even said 'you mau keluar ar?' bloody hell do i look like i'm enjoying myself in the car in this weather?! if i did i would be in a sauna forcing my fats to seep out through my open pores not in a car that's trapping heat.

my mouth hung open WIDE and i stared at him and then gave him a firm handshake.

day four: seven things that cross your mind alot

1) i should really complete the ten day blog posts.

2) what car should i buy?

3) i want a pair of high waisted pants, damnit!

4) i'm here to get ahead. anything else can go drown themselves in their misery.

5) where's my daisy?

6) how do terrible traffic jams on a highway occur?

7) why is the nasi lemak stall NOT open?!! it's been 3 days >:(

they made me drive s-l-o-w-l-y

am i the only one who is able to get lost even with a gps? i think so. i followed the directions to a T. ok, well almost. and yet, i was quite far off from the location FTS. in fact i was on the opposite side wtf. with the gps, you would think it would eliminate the need to ask for directions. well, today, i've proven that wrong. i had to ask for directions TWICE!

and when i did find the location, i missed the turning when i turned my head and saw the big sign. i can only count my blessings cause i made a turn that wasn't supposed to be made and parked super illegally. i was against the flow of traffic.

RAN to the exam hall and thankfully they weren't strict with the lateness! otherwise i would have cried. i almost did when i made the 1354th wrong turn! in the exam hall, all i could think of was "shit i parked wrongly! shit how am i going to drive out later? shit shit shit" fuck this shit.

never ever rely on the gps. EVER.

day three: eight ways to win your heart

1) grey's anatomy.

2) men who dress well. being a man is not an excuse for poor dressing.

3) bridget jones diary.

4) men who smell nice. that deep musky smell (i don't think i'm describing it correctly but it's that nice musky masculine cologne!)

5) a bottle of desperado's.

6) hokkien mee.

7) bubble tea.

8) marc jacobs the stam.

my motherland

stumbled upon this video whilst blog hopping. this video truly brought a smile to my face. where else in the world can one person speak in so many different languages and in different accents as well? even when i was in the states and i did the stereotypical blonde talk, my dear american friend was so shocked and amazed that he went slightly ballistic. i almost wanted to become a professional impersonator with such encouragement from him but in my motherland, we exist in every nook and corner. so i scratched that thought.

but this video absolutely takes the cake. nobody else would have understood what he was saying. the little nuances like the head shaking and the hand gestures to the pronunciation of the 'R' in typical cina fashion, it was pure delight!

even the newspaper ad tickled me! i couldnt help exclaiming 'look at that! how cute!'




digi ad taken from here cos google image failed me :(


i got all warm and fuzzy when i saw this ad. yes, i'm sentimental like that.

this reminds me of an incident in london when me, J and Lips were in the bus. we were standing and talking in our typical motherland language when this lady came up to us and asked if we were malaysians. she said she could recognize a fellow countrymen from the way we spoke. now i thought that was super cool. sure, we asians all lookalike but once we open our mouth, we'll know! even when i was in the airport taking taking the transit train to the terminal in orlando airport, i stood next to a malaysian couple (this was cos the lady was wearing a tudung but that's beside the point). they turned to me and asked if i was malaysian? YES! another countrymen! we are all over the damn globe and yet we're easily spottable a mile away. how frickin' awesome is that? even when i was working in SeaWorld, i met a malaysian couple from New York and now we're facebook friends and still keeping in touch :)

manglish should be the national language, i say! now wouldn't that be cool to be able to have our very own language where only people from the motherland can understand?

happy belated malaysia day!

day two: nine things about yourself

1) i can't light a lighter. somehow the thumb being super near to the fire gives me the impression i'll burn my entire hands off.

2) will spend my last spare change on beer. true story.

3) cant put on nail polish properly on my fingernails. and when a professional does it, it'll be botched up barely an hour later. why do i even bother?

4) i am a junkie for romance. but find myself becoming cynical now. noooooooo! give me back my idealism!

5) i cant side park. i blame the driving school for putting poles and making me count them when i side park.

6) when i'm tired and sleepy, i get cranky.

7) can finally ride a bicycle.

8) eats alot when i'm pms-ing.

9) i love quirky things.

day one: ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

1) i would like to buy a one way ticket to san francisco.

2) love ya!

3) let's go somewhere nice.

4) what's for dinner?

5) i want another day off.

6) can you jailbreak my ipod touch?

7) have a safe trip and come home in one piece!

8) can i take unpaid leave?

9) i don't know what i want.

10) here, i quit.

committed

Day One: Ten things you want to say to ten different people right now

Day Two: Nine things about yourself

Day Three: Eight ways to win your heart

Day Four: Seven things that cross your mind a lot

Day Five: Six things you wish you’d never done

Day Six: Five people who mean a lot (in no order whatsoever)

Day Seven: Four turn offs

Day Eight: Three turn ons

Day Nine: Two smileys that describe your life right now

Day Ten: One confession

out with the blank spaces

everytime i log into blogger.com, the new template bubble ALWAYS pops up! and everytime i see it, i ignore and go straight to new posts. this time however, i did something way out of my usual routine and paid the price for it.

i've got myself a pretty blue sky and green green grass. i don't know why i had to say green twice.

so pretty i want to sing the hills are alive like the sound of music.

but i shall refrain from doing so for another day.

i wanna do something different. i feel motivated to do something different.

watch this space.

the childish things we do

sometimes, in a roomful of adults, i feel like a kid with the special invitation to sit at the adult's table. sipping wine like a grownup with my legs swinging back and forth. excitement bubbling.

then, it dies down as the night goes on.

serious conversation slowly takes a turn into an all to familiar territory. seems that no matter the 'age' group, grownups or young ones, the things we say and talk about goes into the same territory. like a tennis ball that bounces from one side of the court to the other. grownups move between the two. as do young ones trying to be all adult-like.

and then there are the unreasonable ones. pointing fingers like how we used to in kindergarten. we point and we cry.

being all grownup doesn't mean we know everything. it just means we're still kids, in better clothing and higher heels. we're constantly growing up but ultimately, we're all wishing we're 16 years old.

Hurts - Wonderful Life

HURTS - Wonderful Life (Official new version) [HQ] from skateshop berlin on Vimeo.

i am a very stylish video clip.

makes me feel lazy

for the first time in 2 months, i remember how it feels like to bum. suddenly, i feel like i'm a kid again. waking up anytime. with nothing to do but breathe and watch the world go by.

channel surfed and took a nap! a nap, how i miss thee so. naps are like distant memories. now, i will have to hide out in the ladies if i wanted to shut my eyes for a minute!

despite waking up late in the afternoon, i could still take a nap! talk about being a sloth.

i can't wait for the next public holiday!

is a natural woman

i always thought he was the cute one in 30 rock from the sun. he still is :P

who are we to be emotional?

i dont want this state of being that i'm in to fade away. from being at an absolute low point to a moderate high, my perspective looks a lil' clearer now. before this, it was a hazy blur. being THAT lost can really give you a kick in the behind! i wouldnt wish that on anyone but i think this is what they call part of growing up.

life, oh life!

look in my face

today, i had myself a really good day :)

so don't rain on my parade.

it's a lil' bit dangerous but

i need know what i want in a world that constantly changes. one moment, i believe that i can do the impossible. and the next i'm free falling. this constant pull in opposite directions is enough to make my world spin. and i'm dizzy and nauseous already. the only way to beat it is maybe to excel in it. put on a thicker skin. be devoid of emotions for now. don't let things be personal. after all, it's only a business transaction that we're after. why let things be so attached to me? detach myself from it. look in from the outside.

in a nutshell; suck it up.

the benefit of mr kite.

he spills coffee on the sidewalk. he looks at his empty styrofoam cup. he half turns then changes his mind and looks at his empty cup once again. spilt caffein spells fuck. my. life. that was his last 5 dollars and it was supposed to last him the whole day. the coffee. not the 5 dollars. coffee alone can sustain the man. he tosses the styrofoam cup away into the bin and walks off. looks at his watch. fuck, it's 8.56. no coffee. he couldn't decide which was worst. that his girlfriend of 7 years doesn't want to marry him or that his best friend of 20 years was cheating on his sister. on a normal day. hell, i'll even call it perfect day, the thought of what lies ahead seems bearable. with coffee in his bloodstream. it was a like drug. no mornings can go by without a sip of that dark liquid. nothing but the darkness and aromatic smell of a cup of coffee from the corner coffee joint to make a man feel like he just had his best fuck. don't tell his girlfriend that. 7 years and the 7 year itch starts to surface. he might just have unprotected sex with the stranger he met in the club last week. they were firm. he didnt need to touch them to know. it was written all over her face. she was hunting. he wasnt. damn. what was i thinking? 7 years and she didnt want to settle. just yet, she says. his wallet, empty save for a picture of him and the woman he loves and a maxed out credit card.

the sidewalk stained from the coffee that spilleth from the styrofoam cup washed clean by the drizzling rain. he curses.

just like magic, without the mushrooms.

and i am back to normal. default mode wtf. i have to say, i went a bit cuckoo the past few days. no idea what came over me but i think i have kinda settled down a bit now. i needed the option of knowing that i could get out anytime and not have to settle. wow, does that make me commitment-phobic? i hope not. i go around the whole world giving off vibes that i am very easily committed but in the end i'm actually not. then my whole life would have been a TOTAL lie +____+ how will i tell my unborn children this one day?! dont say anything? then one lie leads to another wtf. and the world still keeps spinning. gravity is still pulling us down. i digress.

despite me saying that i am okay now, i can only take this okay-ness temporarily because what i'm doing now is temporary. i'm not gonna make this a permanent fixture in my life. no. if anything, this is one step into another and then, BIG TIME FAME AND FORTUNE MUAHAHAHAHA!

you'll never know. nobody will but that's okay. to know that my problems, no matter how big i make them out to be, is in fact, a speck of dust that i can swat off.

this is me, swatting that damn dust away.

poof.

sprinkle some fairy dust to make the pain and tears go away. abracadabra. beeppity boppity boo. pumpkin turns to a horse-drawn carriage. one fine day, my dear...one fine day.

junk in the trunk.

needs to get out of this funk. i think i might be digging a hole that i cant get out of.

cruise control

lately, there's been some complications. things were moving along fine. i'm going 90km/h and then from out of nowhere (blindspot wtf) this other option is moving along side me at 60km/h. now, i have to rethink the structure and possibly pave a new road. now listen here, it took me quite some time to actually move at the speed that i'm moving now. here i am slowly gaining confidence and then this moves into view and i'm forced to look at it and make way for it to cut into my lane. don't you hate options? don't you wish that you were just told what to do from birth so complications like this don't arise?

know your destiny. know your fate. know your path.

sounds like something spiderman's uncle would say. "with great power comes great responsibilities".

am i even in the right path? i'm beginning to see a pattern here. staying in this path, i may very well be here for life. deviate now and i might just find greener pastures. or not. see, this is where complications arise from. i'm at a crossroads.

i can only take comfort in the fact that i am still young. any mistakes now i can blame on my youth. but what's the mistake that i'm willing to make? i've already made one before. if it wasn't for self-sabotage, i might be in the right path. but there's no right or wrong. there's only what's right or what's wrong for me. so akhirnya, it's all down to me anyways. no one else. i am the one driving anyways. crash or smooth-sailing depends on me. my shoulders can't take it. my legs are turning to jelly. can't even think anymore.

where are the days where i can just cruise? jalan-jalan tak endahkan apa-apa.

bordering on vulgar.

my mother pointed out a job ad to me today, paying a ridiculous amount of money.

rm57,000

a month!

that is an obscene amount of money!

your silence is slowly killing me. oh yeah.

the month of july is coming to an end. this also marks the one month of me stepping foot into new territory AND surviving! people ask me how is work and the only thing i can say is 'so far so good'. because really, so far all is good. i am literally fish out of water. aiming to be in this one industry and then turning 180 into another direction. life is funny that way. i moved along thinking i knew what i wanted and working towards that but then comes a curveball from my blindside and i'm swept up in the current. i can only thank the BIG MAN up in the heavens because He has been looking out for me and guiding my way through and through. it's not all peaches and creams though cause there are days i find myself questioning what in the world am i doing here? the thought of quitting has come to mind many times but only for a moment. i've turned down a pretty good offer once without even giving it a chance to develop and i'm living in the aftereffects of it now. so no fucking way am i giving up so easily. sure, i feel like screaming and kicking and punching but the urge goes just as quickly as it comes.

like today.

wasn't exactly a top-notch day. today, i question myself, do i truly belong here? i never got an answer. cause there isn't one. we don't ever truly belong. we move. we float. we fly. we swim. we tread along dangerous waters. walking on the edge of a cliff. i can be one or the other, so what's to hold me down and tie me up? i feel like sometimes, life is overrated. i don't want to be all philosophical or critical about life but there are days when i wonder why we do the things we do? why is it so simple for some to move through life. living isn't easy but the journey that takes us through it...priceless. mastercard, hire me already wtf.

i was a little frustrated and a little annoyed, now i'm just tired and drained.

copa cabana

a weekend away from the city was just what i needed. to be away from the familiar. but not like i was entering into the unknown. going back there brought me back to the year before when i was still an undergraduate. but nothing more shall be said. what happens on the island stays on the island.

last year, i was learning to ride a bicycle. this year, i was cycling on my own to the town center albeit with a few hiccups here and there. i've got the bumps to prove it and it's not a pretty sight :(

i also rode on a banana boat for the first time! honestly, i was quite terrified at first. the thought of falling of the boat was enough to make me pee in my pants! then when the 'fall' came, i was like that wasn't so bad. sure, i had sea water in my eyes, mouth and nose but that's okay. i am now macho-fied wtf.

all the fun stuff was great and all but what struck me most was that, there's actually plenty to see and do right here. in the country. we went island hopping and i saw these natural rock formations that had rocks looking like a turtle, an elephant and a crocodile! dude, what's the Stonehenge or the Colliseum compared to this? i kid, i kid. they are two different things but all i'm saying is, take a weekend off and just drive to another state or take a ferry to an island. the island hopping activity was me being a tourist in my own country and it felt really nice to know that we have things to see and do too.

even looking from the outside into the luxury hotel made me feel that much more determined to earn enough to spend 1,500 ringgit for a night in that luxurious hotel. that or a night or two in the four seasons in langkawi. now that's living the life! no backpacking and budget nonsense. lifestyle upgrade, yo!

true blood season 3 is back :D i am torn between watching it online or watching it on hbo. wtf of course i'm not torn! online ftw rah rah rah. and i find it ridiculously funny that our local radio stations have to cut/censor the word 'whiskey' in Lady Antebellum's Need You Now. the word is just mashed up but we ALL know that they're saying the word 'whiskey'. what idiots!

sunshine through my window

got myself a great parking spot.

had me some chee cheong fun for breakfast. got some loose ends tied up nicely. had me some good food for dinner. got mail and in it was free stuff teeheehee!

awesome possum day today.

have my cake and eat it too.

some days, i just want to be left alone. do my own thing. watch a movie on my own. eat by myself in a restaurant and just not have to make conversation. just me and a book in a quiet corner where i can look up and watch the world go by. to be alone sometimes is the one thing we find hard to do but sometimes it's good for the soul.

sometimes it's so chaotic out there. and everything is just a blur. i need a moment of clarity. for that moment to just hit pause for a minute or two and then things can resume to the way they were. one moment of peace and tranquility and just silence and me alone with my thoughts. to make a little sense of what is going on. to know that i'm going the right way but even if it's the wrong way, it's okay. there's always a junction or the U-turn. but things move forward. time still moves on. days are counted down.

and we continue doing the things we do.

i think i'm just itching for it to be the end of the month. but i suppose it's that time of the month where all the senses are a little whacked out. the joys of being a woman.

for the love of films

i have hopes of one day making my own film because of you.

i have a grown a little love for local films and i HAVE seen more local films because of you. i even wrote my paper on a local movie which left such an indelible mark on me.

i appreciate films a little much more because of you. some of my favourite films came out of your class.

tiny effects you left in my views and ideas will be forever carried on.

the little knowledge i had about filmmaking was expanded in your class. storyboarding and scriptwriting left me wanting more. inspired to make my own film.

thank you, ben. you are what a university experience should be like. igniting that hidden passion.

thank you.

may you rest in peace.

this is how i roll

when driving on the highway during peak hours, i came to realize that driving in the middle lane is faster compared to the fast lane. why is that so? to be honest, i don't understand why jams even occur in the first place!

cars are aplenty every hour of every day. but somehow or rather it's just slower and much more snail-paced than necessary during peak hours. and there's no particular reason for it cause after a 101 km of crawling along the highway, there's this sudden gap where cars can suddenly fly by! amazing like magic.

yeah sure, you can argue that it's jam during peak hours cause there's a higher percentage of cars on the road but it's a bloody straight road! and sure, there are exits left and right but then shouldn't the jam occur only on one side if cars are exiting on their respective sides?

NO. of course not. drivers like to cut in from the other lane when they are an inch away from the exit hence blocking the smooth flow of traffic. no driving ethics at all. if everyone played their part then jams wouldn't occur. then there would be no peak hours and traffic jams. even the word traffic jam is flawed wtf. traffic jam would imply that there's a traffic light somewhere, anywhere in order for there to be a traffic jam. highways don't have traffic lights! oh wait, i suppose the bloody red and green lights above them toll booths are considered to be one wtfwtf.

my other vice with driving is that of the motorcyclists. this is mainly on the main roads but i don't discount the highways cause somehow or rather they're there anyways despite having their own lane on the far left. they are like flies and i imagine myself to be the fly swatter. very annoying when i want to cut into the next lane. not only do i have to look out for the cars, i have to look out for them motorcyclists too and they come in droves. ZOOM ZOOM ZOOMING by you. want to cut into the next lane already but at the far back you can see this tiny figure on two-wheels looming closer and closer. you think you can make it in time to squeeze ahead of the car but that bike is just speeding in. then you waste that opportunity to squeeze in and thus have to continue crawling in your respective lane, awaiting once again for the next opportunity to cut into the next lane with your fingers crossed this time, please don't let there be a bike zooming by!

but being a tolerant driver, i control. anger management and yoga breathing exercises wtf. i kid. i have no road rage although there are times i wish to drive like them drivers in those video games where i can ram into the back of the car in front of me and laugh evilly like this, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

that'd be one less thing to do in my lifetime.

but despite my rant, i do enjoy driving. especially driving alone with good music playing in the background. and sometimes i especially like driving in the rain! somehow, it's very soothing and relaxing to watch the rain water splash and then swooshed away by the wipers. but most of all, i like the sound of rain and thunder. but those sound better when i'm under my comforter in bed with the lights turned off in the night skies.

what's best is what i saw after the rain;

i got really excited when i saw the rainbow! it's been awhile since i last one so i immediately whipped out my camera which was conveniently located on my lap. boys and girls if you're reading this, don't send SMSes when driving and use a handsfree when driving but only when stuck in the jam cause you're mostly crawling on the road otherwise DON'T even think of using your phone! it's been said talking on the phone when driving is the same as drunk driving. you're not concentrating on the driving anymore. VERY DANGEROUS! end of community service message.

seeing that rainbow made my day :)

Ned. vs. Esp.

last match!

imma go to bed now and wake up early. for realz, yo!

gerhana

during dinner, i was telling my mother that eclipse is showing today. she says no. it's showing on the 11th. i said, 'do you want to bet with me that eclipse is showing today?'.

she hesitated.

AH-HA! not confident, eh?

we dropped the subject.

after dinner, i was flipping through the papers and came across the eclipse poster with a big header at the bottom SHOWING NOW. i pointed it out to my mother. 'NAHHHHH...SEE!'

o_O

i thought you were talking about the sun/moon eclipse! how i know you were talking about the vampire/werewolf?

+____+

booyeah!

2.29AM i snoozed till 3AM.

15 minutes of first half baby. if you placed your bets and won, you can give yourself the satisfaction of knowing that paul the octopus is not the only one who can predict.

netherlands ftw.

'hi, are you awake?"

i had a fml moment today.

it's world cup season now. semifinals going on. gung-ho me wanted to watch the Netherland vs. Uruguay match. so i set my alarm for 2.30AM. of course, it rings. and of course, in deep slumber i was 'fuck it, i need my sleep' and shut the alarm off. then came the vital alarm ring. my 6AM wake up call. of course, i snoozed it. and the next rings after snoozing it. final wake up call came from my mother* at 7.20AM. FML.

*yes, my mother called me through the phone. one of the wonders of technology.

i woke up late not because i was watching the match but because i woke up too many times to snooze the damn alarm.

seriously. only ridiculous things like this can happen to me.

but i am going to be optimistic and take something from this. now i know that if push comes to shove, i can get ready in 10minutes. from jumping out of bed in total and absolute shock to being presentable for work. and if that's not good enough news, i also managed to get to KL in time, leaving my house at 7.45AM!

tell me laa, how am i not a rockstar after this? if i can fit everything into my luggage and drag it down the stairs in York and get to KL in time for my training at 8.45AM, i should have my name in the rock&roll hall of fame already!

ps: i am going to push my luck tonight. i definitely want to watch the germany vs spain match so i will head to bed before 10PM i swear and wake up at 2AM, suit up and watch the match. sleep on the couch and dash to work at 7AM. is that a PLAN or what? i is brilliant.

pss: we'll see how it goes. place your bets wtf.

say what?

i fell asleep on the couch watching two and a half men. woke up, took my shower and finally took everything out from my bags. now my table is a mess. whatevs. i'll deal with them tomorrow.

i unpacked with a heavy heart because that meant that my holidays was finally, officially over. after many months of carefree days, i now open up a new chapter of my life.

jolly good.

but i'm not exactly up and about trying to prepare for tomorrow. instead i'm busy youtubing songs from Les Miserables! sighhh watching it on youtube makes me want to watch it again live!

bahh.

confusion says...

i am taking a break from thinking. thinking of what to bring and what not to bring. i keep thinking i will need this and that but then i sit and think harder and now i have 2 different thoughts on whether i REALLY REALLY need it or not. then i get confused and throw a hissy fit. which leads me to blogging so i don't have to think. which is ironic cause i STILL have to think. cause now that i think about it, typing it out only makes matters that more tangible and not just in my head anymore. what am i blabbering on about?! aiyaya. fuck this shit. imma go to bed now.

made up of choices.

just had the most exhilarating 80 plus minutes. i cried and wiped tears on the sleeves of my shirt because i didn't want to press pause and get up to get the tissue.

THAT is why grey's anatomy is my all-time favourite series. ALL-TIME! i cried and laughed and my heart was pumping all in ONE episode. who does that?! who can do that in ONE episode?! shonda rimes you rock. you absofuckintutely rock.

jesse williams, you can look into my eyes anytime. ANYTIME.

popped.

as a friend, good news should be received with encouragement and support. not a straight letdown that brings a high to fuckin' down low. a burst to a bubble. splashing a bucket of freezing cold water into ones hopes and dreams. you may not be sincere about it but have the decency to say a kind word or two before you step, spit and condemn. it's only polite. wouldn't hold it against you anyways. but to undermine and then inject sarcasm into words you think sound encouraging only makes it worst and reflects what kind of a person you are. sure, it's known fact that negativity is what drives you. never held it against you. in fact, it's part of you. as a friend, it's become your 'charm', so to speak. but as a friend, the least you could do was pretend to be happy. for one day. then you can condemn and spit all you want another day. i wouldn't have cared as much. it's just unacceptable. i'm not saying that you can't voice your opinion on the matter but there are times when some things are just better left unsaid.

i guess it's hard, eh, to keep something to yourself. especially in times when opinions and comments on everything is rampant. gotta say something, anything, to stand out. social settings and situations have protocols too. you can't learn these things, so i guess it can't be blamed really. being a little more aware of what can or can't be said is probably a skill you will have to learn with time. for your sake, i hope it'll be sooner rather than later. it's one thing to not have a kind word to say. but it's another to give off the impression that you are holier than thou. not everything in life is peaches and cream. we would be in utopia then. fact of life is hardships are abundant. if things were so easy, stress free, why bother slogging away in school studying for hardcore exams at such an early age only to face rejection after rejection in life. i hope you realize that things have to start from somewhere. some have it easy and some have it hard. cest la vie. to give up after facing ONE hardship, i wish you the best in life. life is one hardship after another. it's not the hardships that define who or what we are. it's how we overcome them and come out triumphant on the other side of it all. stories you hear cannot and shouldn't define and mold your thoughts and views. i know. i allowed it to take control once. but i learn from it. and am in a better position now because of it.

it's your attitude. why be so negative? you're not even cautious or fearful. you just take the bad and go with it. letting the bad overtake and lead the path to your glory. i shouldn't even be surprised by what you said. looking for the best in a person when really, sometimes there just isn't. and that's not really my problem, eh? we're still friends because i'm not one to hold grudges. knowing who you are as a person, your character and attitude, i don't hold it against you. but it hurts, not gonna lie about it. words hurt. they hurt worst than a slap in the face or a punch to the gut. bruises heal. words remain forever. in the mind. and the mind is a dangerous thing. a very dangerous place.

stop the chit-chat.

i just did a 180 degree turn. like hello, i never would have imagined myself in this position. i'd tell you but i don't want to.

trials and tribulations happen. if they don't kill me, they only make me stronger. when one door closes, another opens.

bliss.

greater things to come.

things work out the way they do for a reason. only time will tell how things will be panned out. still optimistic and hopeful. not as down and out as i thought i would be. the big man upstairs knows what's going on. i don't, but i live on the faith and hope that what's happening now will lead to greater things to come.

what doesn't kill me, makes me stronger.

word.

the middle of the week.

WEDNESDAY IS HERE!

the longest week will finally come to an end. i have found inner peace within myself ohhhhhmmmmm.

make or break.

last week i said 'this will be the longest week. ever.' today, it'll be the longest 3 days ever. tomorrow, it'll be the longest 2 days ever. and the story goes on.

despite me having doubts and uncertainty, the future suddenly never seemed brighter. i sincerely hope that this will be it. no more other uncertainties. but to have a mental and emotional breakdown on that day; suicide and self-sabotage :( i can only hope for the best and see that my light shines through till the very end.

and i pray.

the most productive i've ever been.

wasn't as bad as i thought it was going to be :)

and the email? well, one of them replied so hey, at least i know that they'll look at it, maybe.

it's a good day today :D

first.

i have 2 unsent emails in my inbox which i just wrote. another job application. up to date, i don't know how many emails i have sent. i could count them but i don't want to burst my own bubble just yet.

3.30pm. my first interview later. i am feeling calm, cool and collected. watching youtube videos on how to go about a job interview helped (thanks, Alex!) and some helpful tips from Sook Yan yesterday makes me breathe a little easier.

with regards to the 2 unsent emails, i will probably sent them out later, after my interview. or maybe i should just send them now. yeah. i'll do that.

clouded, shrouded.

i've got myself an interview this week. not too thrilled about it cause the position offered is not of interest to me.

so the question is, should i go for the interview anyways just to get the feel of it or screw it and wait expectantly for the email/phone call from the other company to tell me i can attend the first round of interviews? the reason for me wanting to bail out of this current interview is because i'm not interested in the position. i tried getting for more information from the website but there's just not no relevant information especially pertaining to the job description. and that's where the other company i'm really hoping for a reply for wins cause they're site is just bursting with information and right now, after reading through the site, i feel so pumped up and ready to just impress their socks off that i can already feel the job in my hands. but, i have to wait for the green light to move on the next step of the process.

part of me just doesn't want to go through a tough process just so i can turn down the offer. i don't want to waste my time and the employer's time when i already know where i stand in the decision making. but then, i have NEVER ever experienced an interview before. from what i heard, the interview process takes an hour +___+ so this would be good practice, yes for the other job/hopefully. honestly, i don't think i've ever wanted anything so much. the olympus pen doesn't count wtf. at this point, i am VERY reluctant to go for the interview and just put myself up for disappointment. if i don't feel like i want the job, i won't be giving my 120% in it, going above and beyond to impress. and the thing is, my summer trip is just this big block in my path now. so i can either apply after returning or apply now and set myself up for disappointment. times like these, i wish i was still in uni, fretting and stressing over assignments and deadlines.

there are still many other places i have not applied to and yet, i seem to be so intent on harping on that one company. i just feel really impressed and confident in the way they work. and i hope by getting through to the interviews, i can find out more about it. but i should still keep my options open, yes? sigh.

all i can do is pray about it and ask God to impress upon me the right thing to do.

lemonade

my english. FAIL.

hello, i don't know the difference between adjective and noun and preposition and whatever lingo English loves to term their words. a word is a word, no? i only know verb :D

definition: to describe an action.

the rest can go and flush themselves down the toilet bowl.

my dear brother today, of all days, wanted my help on his english homework. on the days that i DO want to help him, he doesn't want my help. but today, he solicited my help. what can i say? don't do your homework. homework's for losers wtf. of course not. and today's homework was underline 3 adjectives in each sentence. i think there was 10 sentences. WHUT?! 30 adjectives?!

i shall be shameless and just tell you that i had to type adjective in my search bar and look up the definition of the word adjective. urgh, saying the word adjective makes me want to nunchuck that word and kick it's sorry ass to timbaktu. now, timbaktu is a word that rolls nicely of your tongue, don't you think?

but then i do so often come across words that after a long time of looking at them, come of as weird. like the spelling and pronunciation of the word makes no bloody sense. and then all is well again when the earth turns on its axis and gravity is restored and i see the word and familiarity hits me right on the spot.

i watched bits and pieces of idol gives back. the last 40 minutes of the show and the first 20 minutes perhaps? yes, in that order. you gotta love starworld for broadcasting the same show twice. why didn't every other channel think of that? oh, right. cause they screen it again at a later time. which was why i got to saw the last part first and the first part last. then i couldn't go through with it anymore cause my mother was busy rectifying the mistakes i made with the adjective homework 0__o i had to hide in my room to avoid the onslaught of vicious adjectives my mother would have thrown at me if i were to continue to be in the near vicinity of easy attack. hiding has saved me and my bruised ego.

where was i? oh, yes. idol. i cried watching some parts. then i switched to oprah during the commercial breaks and cried some more. i don't know about you but oprah can bring on the water works whenever she talks about real life stories about real life people. not plasticky, celluloid people although they do sometimes. i cry when i see kids in pain and not being able to be kids like their supposed to. the kids in idol gives back, breaks my heart. truly. and the sad story of how nine special kids lost their parents to murder, what kind of world do we live in?

we've gotta treat each other right.

on a more lighthearted yet absolutely majorly crucial topic, i need an aim. a target if you may. for life in 5 or 10 years time. i've gotta start working towards something, eh? what the hell do i want? people ask me 'so where have you applied to?' i give my reply and then it hits me, i NEVER applied to this one industry which before graduation, i was really quite gung-ho about and i never applied to another industry which i quite fancy doing. and then i get a call from a corporate company and suddenly i find myself wanting and coveting to climb the corporate ladder. now all i think about is jobs jobs jobs.

it's comforting to know that i'm not alone in this. i may the last one in my batch to find a job but hey, who's competing?

not yet. the race is just beginning.

cue the jeng jeng JENGGGGGGGGG

burp.

bit off more than i could chew. now i have a bloated stomach to thank for.

what to do, i couldn't resist the bubble tea. we rounded the area for what felt like an hour but was probably only 15 minutes. every car before us found a spot. we were one step behind. we were THIS close to giving up and going home but our perseverance paid off albeit parking illegally and having the law enforcers one street away. the lure of the night market was just too strong.

pasar pagi

loud announcements and pop music blared from the school field next door, making a slow waltz into my slumber, gradually increasing it's volume and transforming it's unwanted presence into a full-on hip-hop dance routine complete with head spinning on ground, totally defying gravity (how can your entire body stay in the air and how can your head support your body?!! oh to be a hip-hop dancer). i woke up at 8am, giving my mind a shock. blurry eyed, i shut my eyes. but of course, nobody can stop the hip-hop. nobody!

15 minutes of tossing and turning, i got up with zombie-like movements, stomping my way to the bathroom and splashing cold water on my face, returning to human form. damn you sports day! the school was having their sports day, fyi. hello, what happened to having sports day in the majlis perbandaran compound?!

so what to do when awake so early? go to the market. this little piggy went to the market. this little piggy cried weeweewee all the way home wtf.

and i was horrified. they were selling live chicken :O they'll pick the juiciest chicken and then slaughter it right then and there :O it was damn painful to watch. they'll hold the chicken by the wings, weigh them and then...the process begins. the chickens were clucking in pain. my face showed a picture of horrification. i thought markets sold chickens that were already plucked and slaughtered. not in cages, awaiting death at the market place. i wish i didnt see that.

and the smell of the morning market? smelt of blood and guts. the floor was splashed with drops of blood, like a scene from CSI. that's the smell i hated when i was young whenever my mother asked me if i wanted to go to the market.

guess what? i still hate the smell.

head in the clouds.

the most grown-up thing i've done since graduating, is attending a career fair. online applications can only do so much. at least now i know they have physically accepted my resume. it was a day of selling my soul to the highest bidder like i was selling kitchen knives door-to-door. nothing much went on. it was like a 'we're hiring. drop your resume in the box along with hundred other resumes. thank you'. they had boxes for us to 'drop in' our resumes like we were dropping in our name cards in hopes to win a free lunch from nandos.

in the field that i am in, not much of a choice. engineers and business kids on the other hand will feel like they're five and have access to all the latest toys in toy's R us. there were however a few that stood out so at least it wasn't all lost. a couple of broadcasting media companies stood out for me :D would be heavenly if i could score something in either one. there was a newspaper company there that didn't bother to approach us despite us walking into their booth. well, whatever. i don't read your papers anyway.

3 hours, 5 resumes and 2 auditions later, i feel productive. at least i'm one step closer to contributing to the economy and encouraging capitalism in one form or another. not that i'm not doing so now so what am i saying? i'm one step closer to paying the water and electric bills, that's what i'm saying.

it was rather appalling though to see kids in jeans and t-shirt, shorts and flip-flops going to a career fair. you're not shopping for a new pair of shoes, idiot! if that's not enough, there are kids who didn't come with their resumes!!! wtf is this the circus? why go to a career fair if all you're doing is setting yourself up for disaster? aren't you the least bit embarrassed when asked if you have a hard copy of your resume and you say no. i think having being asked if they have a soft copy of their resume takes the cake. can have the cheek to say no. go slap yourself in the head. people are looking for jobs here not a holiday to the caribbean. i guess priorities are different.

there were kids on the other hand who went all out, dressed in their suits and formal wears. hello, that's the way it should be. maybe the suit is a little too much for a career fair but that shows an effort. better overdressed than under-dressed!

but dressing aside, i guess we've gotta make an impression. a lasting impression. and boy that ain't easy. a firm handshake. a solid tone of voice. an air of confidence. a winning smile. eye-contact that shoots lasers. resumes that stand out. i had a lady asking us to send her an email, convincing her why she should hire us.

wahh. reality check. we're the not only ones in this position.

conversations with madness

if life can be arranged in a neat and organized order, then life's just going through the motions like a steam engine chugging down the railroad or a coffee-maker grinding beans to the sound of my heartbeat.

life's meant to be lived. in random movements and conversations. in spontaneous acts of declarations. lived as if you've drank 21 shots of tequila. eaten a tub of ben&jerry's just cause they make you feel like walking on sunshine. life's meant to be crazy, out of control. live not in fear but in the excitement of the unknown.

today, i took out my black 20 pocket clear file holder to get my life organized. arranging my achievements from present to past, from highest to lowest. life in order, in linear, in sequence. no random splash of blood and sparkles. no coffee stains and hidden lipstick stains in the corner. achievements that don't mean a thing when i realize that there's no cigarette burns on my fingertips. no love bites to mark the coming of age. no summons to scratch the surface.

i finally bought myself a file to systemically organize and arrange my qualifications and achievements from highest to lowest. damn, this is where i grow up. mentally and physically too wtf not sideways, i hope. given up on vertical already. i've reached my maximum height.

baby, if i've got you, i don't need no parachute

hi. today, a couple of decades and then some years ago, i came out of my mother's womb, kicking and screaming. at least that's how i assumed i came out. but that's beside the point. the point is, i came out and here i am today many many years later.

feels like yesterday i celebrated my 21st and lo and behold, i'm 22 now. can't escape the fact that i am no longer a young and reckless youth. not that i was one in the first place but i would like to imagine that i can be one but age has caught up wtf i sound like i'm old. but not. i is still young. and not the young-at-heart kind of young.

i've said my thank you's and given out free hugs but no words can truly describe the love i feel from each and every individual who took the time to wish me a happy birthday.

i feel blessed <3

so carerfuhh

this afternoon i caught the last 5 minutes of the hairography episode of glee and was brought to tears when they sang cyndi lauper's true colours. the whole simplicity of it, sitting on the stools in a row and just the lights as backdrops and their voices as instruments made for a compelling and powerful performance, in my books.



the singing was theatrical enough without the hair swinging and booty shaking :P which is why the song is playing on a loop now :) and the lyrics are really pretty too and not because the word rainbow is in it wtf.

FTS i am fuckin' hungry and it's 1.40 AM now!!! there's an orchestra playing and it's not the MPO, is all i'm saying. and i have this barely there cough which is driving me insane because i was kept up all night with an itchy and sore throat which is thankfully bearable now, almost non-existent actually. but the barely there cough is there and that's just as bad. but i will drink my 8 glasses of water a day and eat an apple a day to keep the doctor away!

easter is coming up! let's not be sidetracked by what this day is all about. no, it's not about easter eggs and chocolate bunnies though they do lend a festive air to the season. just save a prayer for our nation. our country needs to be prayed for more than ever now.

a spoonful of sugar can't make this bitterness go down.

i'm feeling a lil' bitter. nothing major. don't worry, the earth is still spinning and gravity is still intact.

but really. REALLY?!

i'm still feeling bitter. but hey, i'm moving on to better things. like my own travel show, yes lips? we can really really work on our NatLi video in june :D

i feel much better now.

i play it off but i'm dreamin' of you

i've got a song stuck in my head and no, it's not justin beiber's baby :p

i try by macy gray.

i tried to say goodbye and i choke,
tried to walk away and i stumble,
though i try to hide it,
it's clear,
my world crumbles when you are not there.

the chorus came to me this morning. in the car. as i was singing the chorus in my head, i got stuck at though i try to hide it, it's clear cause colbie caillat's the little things was playing on the radio. i had to put my hands over my ears to try and find the words to ms. gray's song and also tried to sing it out loud/whisper so my mum won't think i'm mad. but couldn't. ohmygawd do you know how frustrating it is to have the words at the tip of your tongue but because of the other song constantly penetrating my flow of thoughts i couldn't figure it out. till i stepped out of the car. then the words came right out of my mouth faster than you can say i try.

gotta say, i didn't like the song when it came out. but years and experience have changed my view. so the question is, where is macy gray at now? she's been missing from the biznez.

she's my winona

remember as a child, you would dream of that barbie dream house that your parents just refuse to get for you? you would go to bed dreaming about it and then you would wake up all excited and run down stairs like it's christmas morning and santa has just brought in the mother load. you have a big wide smile plastered on your 5 year old face and you will quietly and quickly descend the stairs in your pyjamas, only to find reality slapping you in the face. oh fudge, it was only a dream. and then you go up to your room feeling dejected and maybe slightly embarrassed but thankfully no one was awake to witness it.

yeah. childhood. how i miss thee so.

many times as i grow older, i dream dreams. dreams that make my heart aflutter. dreams that make my heart pound. dreams that make my heart cry. not cause it was a bad dream but cause i had to wake up from it. i could never dream the same dream again. it only happens once and then poof, it's gone. stored temporarily in my memory bank only to find itself slowly seeping away, fading into an abyss. but then somedays, the dreams just come back and hit me, unconsciously and then i try as hard as i can to remember details about the dream. but with each try to fill in the blanks, i change the dream and then i end up creating something new out of the old, eliminating whatever memory i had about the old dream.

i gasp for air. my grip loosening. images fading.

if only we can burn dreams into a dvd and watch it whenever we want. how did stephenie meyer do it?! (she dreamt of that scene in the meadow and look at where that has her led to now, robert pattinson and taylor lautner; shirtless). not that i want to write a book from my dream although sometimes when i take a nap, it feels like i've just watched a james bond movie! i kid not. i've dreamt of car chases and kidnapped plots in my nap times +__+ i could make a predictable action flick from it wtf.

there are some dreams where i just want to keep but memory just won't allow it.

screen fades to black. the curtains call.

shhushhh.

i have an unhealthy obsession with cheryl cole. probably from reading about her up-to-no-good husband who surprise surprise, went sleeping around. is this what it has come to? men sleeping around. married men, at that! has it become the norm? from the constant spotlight of such infidelities in the media, i think it has slowly become an acceptable and dare i say it, expected act to happen.

x marries y. give it a few months, x will appear in the papers for sleeping with z. x and y work it out. suddenly a whole list of names start popping out like unpop-ed popcorns!

i don't have to mention names. you all read about it in the media. it happens to the best of men. and women. you would think that having everything and i mean everything what with the vast amount of money that rolls in that they would be happy and contented with life. but they prove us wrong. so i guess it's true then, money can't buy happiness. sex can. are we screwed up or are we screwed up? the poor are still poor and the rich are getting richer but they don't just want the fame and glory. they want to be shamed and embarrass themselves and their families as well. who do we blame for these heinous acts of infidelities? the married man? the seductress? the wife who got cheated on? the poor, innocent, misinformed vixen who got tricked into the affair? the young and naive underaged girl who can't tell right from wrong? fingers get pointed. cameras are aimed and focused. people play the blame game. people play the hate game. then it dies down. we learn to forget and begin to welcome these individuals back again. the past lies where its supposed to be.

which is why it's slowly becoming acceptable. people need to talk. people need to be talked about. people love reading about it. aren't we all to blame? nobody can tell when acts of infidelities happen. they just do. in the heat of the moment, men forget about the vows they made. seductresses feel empowered and in control. passion. lust. human nature. we want what we can't have. and we do get it, we keep it a secret. not because we want to but because we know it's wrong. wrong things are meant to be kept secret. not the good ones. engagements are not meant to be kept secret. pregnancies are not meant to be kept secret but they do. unapproved love leads to secret engagements. unwanted pregnancies leads to secret pregnancies. we keep secrets because they're detrimental. to the keeper of the secret. to the person who's not meant to know about the secret. and yet therein lies the excitement. suddenly life seems to have an extra burst of colour. there's an added spice to life.

but then there are some secrets that can't be kept. like how you know someone should not be in a toxic relationship but they just won't listen to anyone despite how everyone is telling them that it's wrong. what do you do? let them continue on in that relationship until it's too late. what do you do? sit in the sidelines and watch? fear the loss of friendship? fight for it till the person sees the truth? the secrets out of the bag. then what?

and then there are secrets that are good. great. inspiring even. secret surprise birthday parties. secret admirers which can be seen as creepy on the other hand but i'm not talking about that.

where was i? oh yes. cheryl cole. don't know much about her. just that some of her songs are growing on me. and i just love them british accents!

fight for this love is on a loop on radios. quite ironic really. she sings about it and yet look what's happening. divorce in the works. splitting of assets. a very sorry husband who's apologetic about his cheating but not fighting for this love. marriage isn't sacred anymore. it can come as easily as it goes. a trend that will never grow old.

but they'll bounce back and rule a small piece of the world. and life goes on. we move on from the pain. the embarrassment. and we rock the next thing that comes into our life.

secrets are revealed and new ones are kept but we continue rocking on, with spotlights and adoring fans.

'muchness' very much there

i don't know why people are dissing the movie alice in wonderland >:(

i absolutely adore it! i'm guessing the visual orgasm people got from avatar brought the damper on alice's visuals, well boo to you. avatar was made to be visually orgasmic. alice on the other was made to tickle your funnybone/senses/tastebuds and all that is able to be tickled wtf. it was quirky and i loved it.

so much so that it's my mozilla persona! you can get them here.

best thing i discovered ;) now my mozilla header/whatever you call it don't look so dull and generic.

we grew up too fast, too soon

it started out like any other sundays. except today, i woke up super duper late +__+ but managed to get ready in time :D i is superwoman.

i ate breakfast and came home. read the papers, i love the sunday edition. so many pages! except for the newest addition. it's an english paper for goodness sake. it should remain that. if i wanted something else, i would have gotten something else.

got the call to go for lunch and my adventures began wtf. it was a productive day cos i bought 2 books and got a truckload of disney classics :) honestly, we actually wanted the disney cartoon version of alice in wonderland cos we watched it so long ago that we only have bits and pieces of it stored in our very limited brain capacity. but they didn't have it and we are damn upset but we shall persevere and continue looking for it! RAH RAH RAH \0/

so we ended up with the other princesses. just as well. we're trying to get back in touch with our childhood past times. which reminds me of the wongfu productions weekend episode! check it outs



haiyoo so kiut la.

it's not hogwarts but it's all gooood...

the golden man

did you guys catch the oscars on tv? i did. it's been awhile since i last watched an awards show. i used to follow ALL of it. the grammy's, the golden globes, mtv video awards etc. then i just stopped. today however, i watched the oscars. i didn't plan on it but i was channel surfing and bing bam boom, i was just in time to catch the red carpet. and another bing bam boom, it was the awards show itself.

and boyy did the stars all look glam-ed up!











but i really liked the part for when they were talking about the nominees for the best actor and actress, where their fellow co-workers? peers? give intimate glimpses into the person behind the characters. i thought it was really sweet and has a nice personalized touch to the whole drama rama that awards seasons brings. and i believe it's also nice to hear your peers acknowledging your work and you, as a human being, character and all.

i haven't watched any of the nominated films except for Up! and avatar. i really want to watch inglourious basterds, blind side, up in the air and the hurt locker. the hurt locker because well, i just got my hands on it and just to see what the fuss it's about. blind side cause it's sandra bullock's award winning role, yo! she should have won for her role in the proposal. that was some funneh shyt.



it was great to watch kathryn bigelow win best director. first ever female director to win. that's the shizznit! inspiring stuff. beating her ex-husband, james cameron too! the dude who created his own frickin' world and language and just upped the level of movie-making. inspirational indeed. makes me want to direct my own movie.