love you like a love song

it's a day before new years eve!

and just for fun, i thought i'd share some tracks that i'm listening to right now.

i'm totally obsessed with this new song from taylor swift featuring the civil wars, safe and sound, taken from the hunger games soundtrack. 

i've read all three books. i first bought book number one after reading recommendations and great reviews and once i started, i couldn't stop! immediately after finishing book one, i went to the bookstore to get the other two books! crazy or not? 

this is fairly new on the web but it's gone viral! i've seen it all over facebook and twitter and how can it not when it features zooey deschanel and joseph gordon-levitt! 

i was squealing when at the end of the video, joseph gordon-levitt gave that cute shrug and smile combo! aiyohhh...! i'm gonna go all cheeseballs and say i hope this two are together for reals cause they totally make a cute couple! plus, it's new year's eve ;) 

florence + the machine finally, finally releases their second album, ceremonials and it's bloody amazing! 

one of my favourites off the album. my mum listened to it and she says it's pretty good. of course, mother! 

and for the title-sake, why not add in selena gomez's love you like a love song? 

and i keep hitting repeat-peat-peat-peat-peat! 

a very merry christmas

Christmas celebrations are officially over!

Loads of family time and catch-up times with friends and food, oh glorious, food! there's still leftovers (turkey sandwich for breakfast!) and great kodak moments.

my christmas tree! 

christmas eve candlelight service with lips and rach. 

christmas day in church! 

christmas day celebration with our props! 

boxing day! 

hope you guys had a great christmas! 

guide to shanghai part 2

this isn't really a guide but more of an information regarding the visa. not your credit card but the visa for entry into a country. and by information, i mean personal experience.

i made the unfortunate mistake of applying for a 30-day visa when i could have applied for a 3-months or 6-months visa. i obviously did not know such a long validity visa was available because i was under the impression that i could apply for a student visa which was not an option for me because i was enrolled in a part-time course and not a full-time course. feedback from the admin person in the university advised me that i was able to apply for a business visa upon my arrival so hence my 30-day tourist visa.

ding dong bell later, a business visa was not advisable because it was really expensive and by expensive i mean it costs thousands of ringgit! so it was down to two viable options; leave the country and then re-enter again or i extend my visa.

no brainer. leave the country and go to hong kong!

i wish it were that easy. actually it would be that simple really but the cost just didn't justify the means. plane ticket, accommodation and general expenses would have amounted to a minimum of RMB2000 for a 3-day trip whilst a visa extension would only cost RMB650.

no brainer there! 

just a little more information regarding visa extension (based on personal experience);

1. you can only extend up to a maximum of 2 times. 30-days for each extension.

2. it's a single entry visa so if you're planning to leave the country and return, make sure to get the relevant visa for your re-entry! i actually wanted to fly to hong kong to visit a friend but finding out that i had to apply for another visa? thanks but no thanks.

3. it only costs RMB160 to extend your visa. where does the RMB500 figure into the equation? chinese speaking agent. if your chinese language skills is zero to non-existent, you may want to hire an agent to help you with the visa extension process but honestly, it is really just bull because the second time i was there for my visa extension, i find out that the officers could actually speak english! at that point i was like fuck this shit but i had some hiccups along the way so i suppose it was RMB500 well spent wtf.

4. i think your visa agent comes in handy when you're going to the local police station to get your pink slip which is your accommodation slip. you only need to go to the police station if you're staying in a house i.e. friends place, relatives place etc. most hotels have the pink slip available so make sure to ask for it when you're checking-in. i'm saying this because i tried to get the pink slip from the police station since i was living with a friend but the policewoman who was attending to me could only speak chinese so that was one situation where i wish i had someone who was able to translate for me. long story short, i got myself the slip from a hotel instead.

5. passport size photo with a white background needed. i read through forums and various sites and was under the impression that i needed to have a 2x2 photo. well it was wrong information. don't discount information you find on forums though because most of the time, what you need to know can be found in the forums. if only i remembered what forums i've read so that i could share my experience for future references to other people in a similar situation. oh wells, that's was blogs are for, eh?

since this happened a couple of months ago, i think it's safe for me to share my experiences for the two times i extended my visa.

as i've mentioned above, i didn't get my pink slip from the local police station but from a hotel. i was absolutely lucky in my first visa extension process. i did it on a sunday. the bureau was open on a sunday because they had a one-week break courtesy of the china national week. there was no crowd on that day and i had a male officer attending to me. now, when you get a visa extension, obviously you're gonna be spending at least a week in wherever it is you're living in but because i was using the slip from a hotel, i only had one night checked-in! now this would be ringing alarm bells in the officers mind already but because it was a male officer and i'm a girl (this was what my visa agent told me), i got the green light for my extension!

this will make more sense after you've read about my second time extending my visa.

once again, i didn't register at the local police station because i was fortunate enough to know someone who was checking-in into a hotel so i had this friend get the pink slip for me. this one had 3 nights checked-in. i'm thinking, if i could go through easily for my slip with only one night on it, three nights would be an even smoother ride!

totally jinxed myself.

i had a lady officer attend to me and all hell broke lose. i was questioned a lot and even my visa agent tried to help but the officer was adamant. i needed to stay in the hotel for at least 7 days or no extension for me. her solution to the problem? go see her boss at counter 7.

boss on duty that day? lady boss.

she was no help either. i had to get a slip with a minimum of seven nights stated on it in order to be able to extend my visa. by then i was absolutely shittin' my pants. together with my visa agent, sophie, we brainstormed on ways where i could extend my visa. we decided on going to another bureau office the next day where i was told the officers weren't as strict when suddenly i asked sophie if we should give it another go because perhaps this time, i would get another officer and hopefully a male one at that, even better if it was the same officer for my first extension.

and so we took another number and waited in the furthest corner of the room, making sure the first two officers we met wouldn't spot us. ninja mode on wtf. i can honestly say i was fuckin' nervous at that point. imagination went overload thinking of all sorts of bad outcomes scenarios for all the rules i was breaking but God was definitely on my side because it was close to closing time thus we didn't need to wait for our numbers. we could just queue at any available counters. i made a mad dash to the male officer, the one who processed my extension the first time round.

damn unlucky because i had this bunch of foreigners in front of me and they were taking up loads of time. fuck this shit. and while waiting for my turn, i tried to hide my face from the lady officer who rejected my extension. my heart was beating fast and my hands were sweaty! i had to face the officer alone this time because my agent, sophie didn't want to risk getting spotted by the officers and thus ruin my chances. she's done this before and i'm thankful she was there for me at this crucial period of my life *insert grateful emoticon here*

ding dong bell, the bunch in front of me still weren't done yet and i was pushed to the next counter with a, you guessed it, lady officer!

die lah this time! sure kena one. 


i played it cool, calm and collected and handed in my documents. inside, i was all nerves and butterflies.

30-days visa? 


yes.


and that was it. she accepted my documents and handed me my receipt. if there's ever a time i can truly say that i was saved by the bell, this would be it! therefore my advice to you if you are ever in a similar situation as i, go there before closing time because chances are the officers won't bother you as much seeing as they want to leave already!

sophie tells me that i was really, really lucky the first time i extended my visa because it shouldn't be that easy what with my one night checked in stated in the pink slip. in fact, it should be that my second time be no problem what with it being 3 nights checked-in.

God is good to me. 

i left the building literally feeling as light as air and with this feeling of nothing is impossible because PRAISE THE LORD, nothing is impossible when i do all things through Him who gives me strength.

the whole experience has definitely made me stronger and wiser. it was definitely a life experience because i was so afraid i would be sent to the lock-up!


do not be anxious about anything, but in every situation, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God, and the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. Philippians 4:6-7

guide to Shanghai 上海 part 1

spending close to 3 months in Shanghai, i thought i'd share some insights about the things i've learned while i was there. i actually did two posts on my tumblr on sites to use while in China, what with the great firewall and all so do check that out if you're so inclined to. reason why i did it on tumblr was because it wasn't affected by the firewall and while i could still access blogger, i had to share the proxy server with 2 other people in the house which made for a lot of disconnections and lost posts. now that my friends, is a real test of a woman's patience. bad internet connection and i was ready to drown my sorrows in alcohol!

navigation 1.0
navigation 1.1

let me first begin with your arrival at the airport. the one thing every traveler needs when navigating in a foreign land is a GPS and enough money to burn on really expensive data roaming plans. but then we're not all born rich or have a money tree growing in our backyard so we'll go old school and get ourselves a map! if you know how to read a map, that is. i'm saying this because i recently watched a movie and this teenage girl commented that our generation can't read maps. it's sad but true. kids these days wtf. 

thankfully in Shanghai airport, they have them at the ready for you. if i'm not mistaken, you'll see these maps when you're queueing at immigration. grab them because these maps will save you! they've got the entire metro lines mapped out for you which makes planning your journey a breeze! almost all the major areas are connected by the metro lines so this is a great way to save on cab fare! taking a cab in Shanghai is not as cheap compared to Beijing but the service and attitude of the Shanghai taxi drivers are gold! 

before i proceed further, i would definitely suggest if you have an ipod touch or an iphone to download 2 really great apps.

1. SmartShanghai

i found out about this while i was surfing around for things to do in Shanghai. i was led to their website www.smartshanghai.com which is a similar concept to TimeOut.

2. Shanghai Taxi 

this is also a great app for navigating the treacherous Shanghainese roads language barrier that is the chinese language, mandarin. i think most if not all the taxi drivers don't speak a word of english so if you can't speak the language, it will be very difficult for you to get around plus it won't help you one bit if you have the name of the place in english because they don't know it. you always, always have to have the name of where you're going in chinese and in chinese characters too! whenever i had to take the taxi to go to a mall or wherever else, i always did my research online to find out what the chinese name was.

for example, Super Brand Mall is called Zheng Da Guang Chang 正大广场。see what i mean in finding out the chinese name of the place? but with this really convenient app, all you have to do is search for your location and voila! address and location name in characters for your taxi driver's convenience and your peace of mind.

they have it for Beijing as well so if you're in the area, download it for uber convenience!

3. Zhongwen Chinese Pop-up Dictionary 

i recommend using Google Chrome as your internet browser when in China because of this really amazing life-saving extension/app! chances are when you're surfing around local chinese sites, everything will be in chinese and while google has an excellent translation tool that translates the whole page to your desired language, i find myself sometimes needing to read particular words in their original language and finding out the pinyin for certain words.

simply hover your mouse above the word and there'll be a complete description of the word! how convenient is that? this way, i was able to enhance my learning experience and extend it to the online world as well besides just learning from my textbook.

so this is it for moving around when in Shanghai.

i've got a confession, i've had this post sitting in my draft for close to 2 weeks! been a lil' busy what with Christmas coming but i'll try to churn out a new post soon on what i've done and seen when i was in Shanghai and Beijing. 

and they say, she's so lucky

it's good to be back! 

i'm finally able to access websites properly without having to go through a proxy which is a hassle and a pain in the butt especially since i was sharing the proxy access with 2 other people. i'm a bloody cheapskate, i know. i didn't want to pay the 2 months subscription. so now that i'm back, i truly truly appreciate being able to access blogger, facebook, twitter and  youtube properly! 

ohh, unifi, how i miss you so! being constantly disconnected can really test your patience. and i mean, really test  your patience.

i've got tons to say but first, i'd really like to share this video i just saw on someone's blog. 

being away for two and a half months, i've really tried to figure out what i want. and sometimes, figuring out what you don't want is easier than finding out what you want! 

rolling in the deep

it's now the turn of the second week of me being in Shanghai and my response so far to anyone who has asked me how things are is 'so far so good' because so far things have been honestly pretty good. save for the first couple of days when i got here. i was a complete and total mess. i had internal battles with myself all day long and even all night long. i couldn't eat and i couldn't sleep. nobody knew of this battle but myself. i was lucky i had the flu and the cough so it was easy to put the blame of my lack of appetite and tiredness to the fact that i wasn't feeling so swell.

3 months ago, when i was planning this i was pretty damn sure of myself. long story short, i made a huge leap of faith and took a whole lotta risk at the same time. it's not like i had THAT much to lose but when i first got here, it felt like i was spiraling out of control (not in a drug, alcohol and rock & roll kind of way wtf) but it kind of hit me that i was just lost. plain and simple. it's like i fell down the rabbit hole and am in wonderland. i was honestly THIS close to flying back home together with my dad because i realized that i didn't want to be lost in a foreign city where i can barely string a coherent sentence in the local language! i just wanted to go home and bury myself in my home and just stay there till the wave of insecurities washed over me.

week two and i'm getting a grip of my life now. i'm slowly getting into a routine which won't last for long because guess what? i DON'T have to have a routine that will dictate the rest of my time except when it comes to classes of course. there's a sense of liberty when i know that i can just pack and fly off or take a train somewhere, anywhere and not have to worry about responsibilities. a bit reckless, eh? but i guess it's because i've been living so structured a life that this inch of freedom seems a bit overwhelming! not that i'm complaining.

i still have the luxury of accessing my favourite sites (even the banned ones!) and also having the added advantage of walking. lots of it. i will have legs of steel by the end of my time here!

however, i do wonder what will become of me by the time i finish up here. will i go start job hunting again? will i hop on a plane and fly somewhere else? will i go fishing wtf? there are days where i crave the familiarity and routine of going to work and working and then there are days where i'm yeah man, this is the life! hippie hippie shake shake wtf.

like i said, so far so good...

i can see the way.

wow, this shit is about to get real. some times i get really excited and then there are times where i get really...homesick? i know! i haven't even left the country yet but these thoughts do run around in my head and i do try to push them back. i mean, it's only gonna be less than 3 months!

pfft, i'm such a baby sometimes.

i'm still in the midst of packing and will most probably have to write down a list later to make sure i don't forget anything but ohmaigawd this is all still so surreal. one day i go from having a set routine and now, i'm packing to go abroad! hopefully the next 10 weeks will be enriching in every sense of the word.

i heard blogger is banned so i may or may not be able to blog. i might just be living in the year 2000 where i'm going.

till we meet again.

xx.

the elephant in the room

i have the attention span of a 4 year old. it's taken me 2 days to spring clean my room and i'm still not done yet. i still have to look through my drawers to see what treasures *cough* i've hidden in there. trust me, when it really boils down to it, i've NEVER used 90% of the stuff anyways. out it goes, into the trash.

and i'm enjoying the process of chucking things out. de-cluttering my space to make space for more junk wtf. of course not! from now onwards, i will only keep/buy things that is of absolute necessity. a need more than a want. disclaimer: does not apply to clothes, shoes, handbags, books, makeup...oh fuck, who am i kidding?

let's just say i will have a stronger willpower and spending control from now onwards. like why did i spend RM22 on a sparkly elephant from toys r us? because of my lack of control towards all things shiny, cute and because it was a pink elephant! HOW CUTE IS THAT?

i have no shame.

patterns all arranged

this monday was unlike any other. for the first time in a long time, i didn't dread waking up.

running up that hill

today has been an insightful day. i didn't have an epiphany nor have i finally figured out what my next step is. but it somehow got me thinking deeper.

i'm going to backtrack a little here so bear with me. i've never really carved out a proper career path when i was younger. if i were to look through my school report books (remember those blue books that had ALL our grades and comments in it?) i think you will find that i've got there listed somewhere businesswoman. honest to goodness, i probably didn't think much about it then. i think it's because i wasn't exposed to the various options out in the market at that time. early 2000s.

the only time i started seriously thinking about what i wanted to do was after SPM. i wasn't farsighted then. i didn't know anything about pre-U or diploma. when i started shopping around for the types of courses i could take, it was then it became real! i had to make serious decisions and i still didn't know what my ambition was! do i take pre-U, foundation studies or jump straight into a diploma program? from there i discovered communication studies. i didn't know what i want but i knew what i didn't want. why is it so easy to know what you don't want but when it comes to finding out what you want, it's the damn hardest thing!? it then becomes a process of eliminating what i wanted and what i didn't want.

ok, so i knew i wanted to take up communications and that i did. now i've got myself a degree from a pretty reputable university. what now? i don't know if this is an attitude problem on my part or a part of me that just doesn't want to conform but i didn't want to take the traditional path of securing myself a degree and then finding myself a proper job and all that shebang. i've never seen myself in a corporate environment till i landed myself a telephone interview april 2010. i can still remember where i had that call and what i was doing. for a sliver of a moment, i could envision myself in a power suit, in an office with glass windows and high-backed chairs and wide tables. i literally saw the ladder that i wanted to climb!

the telephone interview was an international call and i was told that i would be notified if i could move on to the next round which was the face-to-face interview to be held at a later date. i have to say, applying wasn't as simple as submitting a resume and keeping my fingers crossed that they'd pick me to be considered. i had to answer a gazillion questions on top of writing a cover letter and fine tuning my resume. i probably spent about 2 hours applying for it. what i'm trying to say is that i didn't think much about it after submitting my application. the position wasn't even something that was related to my field of studies! but after researching on the background of the company and pretty much matching most of the criteria, what the heck! i haven't got anything to lose.

long story short, i made it through each and every interview round. an amazing feat considering i was probably the only fresh graduate to be shortlisted, there were those with work experience and even a master holder! i was shitting my pants with excitement. this was a huge moment for me because i made it on my own accord. no strings were pulled. my hands weren't held every step of the way. it was as though God made the way for me.

till i screwed it up. i think we all know the ending to this story.

so what i'm trying to dig from this tale is that for a moment, i actually wanted to climb that damn corporate ladder! i was burning for it. for the chase. for the rush.

eventually i did work in a corporate company. make that two. that fire i had when i first got the phone call back in april 2010 wasn't there. in turn, i resented it. hated it. the politics behind it. the thought of spending the rest of my life in the same place for two, five or twenty years scared the bejeezus out of me! i wanted out and i wanted it bad.

and that i did. from the pan into the fire, some may say and right now, looking back in retrospect, i absolutely agree. would i be able to make an informed decision like this if i didn't go through what i went through? heck no. i'd rather go through the pain and suffering than wonder what if?

what if is such a dirty word, isn't it? it mocks you till your deathbed and it could be the one unfinished business as you have as you lay there dying. i could never live with that, could you? prior to entering my second corporate company, i had many discouraging me from doing so. i was caught in between. i was comfortable where i was yet i had this burning a hole in the back of my mind. i was even settled comfortable into the current job prior to the switch. i was doing pretty good for someone with zero experience. if anything, i felt absolutely blessed. God was truly blessing me. all honour and glory i give to Him.

but my curiosity and my misled passion had me taking the jump. fuck it. if i don't make the change now, i never will. i had stumbling blocks along the way. both experiences were not smooth sailing. they were both bittersweet but lucky for me, i tend to remember the better part of the experiences more than the not-so-great ones hence my positive outlook. i'm not trying to be preachy but it's hard to deny the fact that a greater being out there is looking out for me. i remember once when i was down in the dumps and i said;

'sometimes it's hard to be so optimistic all the time when everything is just not going well' 
(how profound of me wtf)

where's the silver lining in all that negativity? i'm not ashamed to say that i've cried about my situation. y'know why? cause crying helps. especially the kind where you're really crying with your body heaving and your tears are big and overflowing. let them suckers out. if anything, it's your body's way taking care of itself and also a way of physically letting the emotions out. your sadness, anger, disappointment and frustration's need an outlet too. just make sure to cry on the weekends when you don't have to see anybody the next day. swollen eyes are pretty hard to cover up even with concealer wtf. somehow though through all that i've been through, it's something that i have to go through. like a rite of passage wtf. i've been thrown into the deep end in both companies and survived! nothing can stop me now!


can't touch this, ice ice baby wtf.

once again, i've made another jump. this time, it's not into another corporate company although i still think that i can do way better than become a corporate slave! ultimately the goal is to be my own boss. how and by what means, i haven't figured that out yet. if i have to work in more corporate companies to achieve that goal, then so be it.

will it be pretentious of me if i say that i believe the year 2012 will be an AWESOME year for me? the next three to four months will somehow be a determining factor for me. i feel like my life is about to take off for real now.

i shall end with something that i learned recently;

slow in, fast out. 
fast in, NO out! 


this is actually advice for when driving in roads that bend or when you're cornering. you must turn in slow and then you can accelerate safely out. going in fast will only lead to you crashing or jamming your poor brakes senseless which will lead to you slowing down at the end and barely making it out.

there are many wrongs that i would like to make right but for now this will do.

wide open space

i'm a hopeless romantic at heart. i read chick lits and i watch rom coms, even the horrible ones. reading this quote somehow validates the fact that not everything is picture perfect. i've certainly seen enough bad rom coms to see that not even the perfection of kate hudson can save a terrible terrible chick flick. sure, i don't need Bob Marley to tell me this, we're living in an imperfect world anyways. but when it comes to dating, i think we tend to put a certain degree of perfection to the partners we chose, choose or will eventually choose. we're not perfect beings so obviously we'll pick partners that are. find a flaw and out he goes.

when people find out that i'm single/unattached, the next question will be 'how come? is it cause you're choosy/picky?' i'm stumped and at a total loss of words. is that a rhetorical question? are they expecting me to have a valid answer? first of all, not being in a relationship is not the end of the world. i'll have you know that being single is not a crime and just because you are in one, that doesn't mean everyone has to be too. and second of all, yes. yes of course i'm picky. i am potentially engaging myself into a long term relationship that will have one of two possible routes; marriage or break-up. so excuse me for not getting into a relationship with every tom, dick and harry. sure, i'd go on dates but to be in an exclusive relationship? i think it's a given that i will be picky. of course this doesn't work out for the best for all. i've heard of people dating and committing 9 years of their lives together and end it. nobody knows. but the start of something new is something that i can have a say in.

but of course i don't say such things. i'm not itching to be in a relationship. in fact, i'm embracing this part of my life right now. sure, i've never been in a relationship before so don't expect me to give relationship advice anytime soon but at this point in my life right now, being in a relationship would be hazardous. this is the time for me to find myself and figure out who i really am. it's me time.

my friend recently started a dating 101 blog just for me! i say it's for me cause the blog add pretty much says it all 1014nat.blog.com

101 for nat, get it? so go ahead, click it and read it. it's new and will be updated every week. leave a comment or whatever but just read it. it may just give you some fresh perspective on dating. now, if only i know where all the single men hang out.

pumpernickel

there's a sense of liberation in the air. my morning's are no longer filled with dread. does the air smell fresher today? my head isn't filled with justifications and excuses. no more snoozing the alarm, no more. it's been a year of this and finally, finally, i feel like the knots are finally loose. there's nothing final now. no more being tied down. seems like i can hop and skip and let the winds take me on its wings. instead of a fixed stability, i take courage in going into the unknown.

and from there, my journey truly begins.

this whole process took 3 months or so in the making. an idea sparked and a heart to heart later, here i am.  i believe it was the situation that led to my decision. a very desperate one at that. i suppose you could say my limits were tested and pushed. i stood my ground. i reasoned. i plotted. i made no sudden movements on the surface but underneath i was a waddling duck. my head was filled and my heart heavy but i didn't want to rock the boat. i was set. for life. well, i was wrong. so very wrong. i'm 23 and i don't have it figured out. career wise i've probably hit a dead wall. i've done what i thought i wanted. you know the saying 'you want what you can't/don't have'? this was one of those moments. i got it but when i got it, it just didn't click and that humbles you as a person. i could work my whole life towards it and when i've finally reached it, it doesn't really add up in the end. up to the point of reaching it, everything is rosy to the point of idealistic. and just when i've grasped it, every illusion is shattered.

perhaps if i hadn't had the exposure prior to this, my situation would be different. i don't regret the past year. they helped open my eyes to a much bigger world. my perspectives are not what they used to be anymore. i was an idealist. my views were rose tinted and they were pretty. i wasn't in the most ideal situations but i had that build up in my head. i thought i achieved bliss and serenity but what i got was a very valuable lesson.

so here i go, moving into new territories. watch out world! here comes natasha wtf.

this ain't a scene

thought i'd share a scene from one of my favourite dance movie, Center Stage.



this is the final dance scene in the movie. i remember the very first time i watched this movie and i was just so inspired. everytime i went for my ballet lessons i would take inspiration from this movie and strive to dance better.

i wasn't the best dancer in the room. i didn't ask my mother to enrol me in ballet class. she did it behind my back and i was furious! i was probably 4 or 5 years old when this happened but i've been dancing for close to 10 years before i quit.

just. like. that.

one day, i just told my mother i didn't want to dance anymore. and that was it. i remember the day i told my mother this. in retrospect, i think that was a form of rebelliousness on my part. what was i rebelling against? i have no idea but when you're on the brink of teenage-hood, i guess you just do crazy, unexplainable things.

if you were to ask me what my biggest regret is, hands down this would be it. looking back, i would have slapped my silly young self in the behind and talked some sense into her! but the past is in the past and we learn from our past, eh?

and that i am...

make or break

it can only happen here. the moment i shut down my PC and pack my bags, i get the phone call from hell. but this is all in a day's job and after close to 6 months in it, i've gotten so used to it that i'm bordering on comfort levels with it. so comfortable am i that i don't seem to have a huge reaction to it any more. you know like how if you're allergic to seafood or alcohol, one of the ways of curing it is by eating more seafood and drinking more alcohol. that's how it is here too. but there are bad days too where things really make the patience level skyrocket to the moon.

situation isn't exactly happy happy joy joy now seeing as the only thing that cools anything down these days isn't doing its job properly. i'm actually beginning to sweat in the office when i'm practically sitting under the air-cond! all its blowing is hot air, taunting us, mocking us. is this life, a routine and a laundry list of pros and cons?

big yellow taxi

for someone who hardly ever takes a cab, i just broke my record today.

first cab ride of the day was when i was walking down hill towards my office. i park really, really, really far away. average walking time from my car to the office is 10 minutes. usually i welcome this walk because this walk will be the only form of exercise i will ever do (but i need more than just a 10 minute walk to shake off all this excess off me... i really need to start jogging!). actually, everytime i'm walking down the hill, i pray for a taxi to drive by so that i can hop in and save that 10 minute walk. surprise, suprise! a taxi DID drive by and i didnt flag him down but he kept turning his head, probably wondering where in the world is she walking to when all around me are houses and he slowed his taxi down. my mind and legs were thinking two different thoughts; i'm like shit, this is it, should i be a cheapskate, suck it up and just walk all the damn way down or pay 3 bucks to save myself the walk. but my legs, oh my legs, they just merrily walked towards the taxi and that's how the battle between my mind and my legs went. sometimes in life, there are things you should be cheapskate about and then there are things you should not be cheapskate about. wisest 3 bucks i've ever spent.

oh the second and third cab ride of the day is the desperation to eat good food. when you've been working where i've been working for the past few months, you will do anything to get out into the world and find good food. and a change of environment. despite the limited choices we have when it comes to lunch, we always, always ask "where to eat?" sometimes, when there's a choice, limited choices or otherwise, a decision has to be made. and what a tough decision it is!

pocketful of sunshine

this morning, i drove to work like any other monday mornings. i was cranky and stressed out about where i was going to park my car today (long story short: change of management in my previous parking spot and now i'm parking-less for a month). usually, i would listen to the radio, either 104.9 or 88.9 but most days i would plug in my iTrip into my iPod and all is well with the world.

in the middle of the federal highway this morning, i looked into my rearview mirror and saw this girl bopping and singing along in her car and i smiled so wide, i was grinning like a cheshire cat. she didn't care if the cars next to her or the car in front of her will see her. she didn't seem to have a care in the world on a monday morning and that is just mind blowing to me. so i guess not everyone suffers from the monday blues. i bet she wakes up and breaks into a song like i've got a pocketful, pocketful of sunshine!

don't look back in anger

it's so easy to react to anger. shout, scream, kick, slam, curse and whatever else you do to let the anger out. but that one moment you react to anger is that one moment you can never get back or erase. blood boils when in anger and it takes a lot to keep the blood simmering till it cools down. or it takes a very patient person! emphasis on the very otherwise patience wouldn't be called a virtue, eh?

to keep calm, cool and collected. oh, emotions! they are one tricky beast imbedded in all of us.

just apologize, forgive and forget. tomorrow is another day.

i like it, like it, c'mon

i've been a terrible friend!

if there's one thing i should never forget, it's my best friend's birthday! i suck cause i wished her 2 days late.  i fail cause i wished her through whatsapp, the most impersonal way i could wish a friend. so i will try to redeem myself here.

happy birthday, sexy!

i've been told that i stood up for you when someone called you shorty. i was actually telling the person off jokingly but somehow those who heard it thought i meant it. whatever it is, i'd stand up for you anytime! nobody can talk smack about you.

only i can ;P

and let's not forget my sister from another mother wtf. we share the same surname so we are somewhat related, no? well, your birthday is wayyyy over but we haven't celebrated it yet so happy belated birthday to you too! although i do remember not forgetting your birthday and wishing you on the day itself, right?

to the july babies, this one's for you!

new perspective

amy winehouse. 

i first heard about her death when my dad read aloud the breaking news from cnn. i heard it but i wasn't really processing it. when i did, my heart dropped a lil'. truth be told, i've only really ever listened to one song, 'back to black' and that's cause it was the first song in one of the compilation jazz cd's i have. 

then conversations came round about her death. last i checked, her cause of death is unknown but it's one that isn't much of a shocker when you think about it. she had drug and drinking problems. any news surrounding her usually revolved around her substance abuse or really rocky relationship with her ex-husband. the latest news i read about her was when she was booed off stage and then next thing i hear about amy winehouse again was her death. so connecting the dots from what i last read to the sad news of her death, i was honestly not surprised. judging. that was what i did. i was being judgmental about a person i did not personally know. all i knew about her was from the media. and they weren't the kindest when it came to her. every flaw was magnified till i read a very heartfelt, honest and real tribute and account of the disease that is called addiction. 

what made the tribute real was that it came from an unlikely person. russell brand's tribute shed light on a disease that is real and painful. painful to the person suffering from it and worst for loved ones. i am very fortunate that nobody i know suffers from this but i read enough celebrity news to see how it kills the brightest and talented persons in the industry. i took it as the person not appreciating what they have. i understood it as them having all the fame and fortune in the world to not know how to handle it, thus turning to self-destructism. but somehow, russell brand's writings touched a chord and i am seeing it in a different perspective now. i am actually amazed at how well-written the tribute is especially cause it's coming from russell brand, the comedian and husband of katy perry, the dude who in my honest to goodness opinion looks like a man who is in need of a shower! don't ask. yes, i can be super judgmental like everyone else but i always try not to be. and this, this just makes me view russell brand AND amy winehouse in a different light. 

When you love someone who suffers from the disease of addiction you await the phone call. There will be a phone call. The sincere hope is that the call will be from the addict themselves, telling you they’ve had enough, that they’re ready to stop, ready to try something new. Of course though, you fear the other call, the sad nocturnal chime from a friend or relative telling you it’s too late, she’s gone.

Frustratingly it’s not a call you can ever make it must be received. It is impossible to intervene.

I’ve known Amy Winehouse for years. When I first met her around Camden she was just some twit in a pink satin jacket shuffling round bars with mutual friends, most of whom were in cool Indie bands or peripheral Camden figures Withnail-ing their way through life on impotent charisma. Carl Barrat told me that “Winehouse” (which I usually called her and got a kick out of cos it’s kind of funny to call a girl by her surname) was a jazz singer, which struck me as bizarrely anomalous in that crowd. To me with my limited musical knowledge this information placed Amy beyond an invisible boundary of relevance; “Jazz singer? She must be some kind of eccentric” I thought. I chatted to her anyway though, she was after all, a girl, and she was sweet and peculiar but most of all vulnerable.

I was myself at that time barely out of rehab and was thirstily seeking less complicated women so I barely reflected on the now glaringly obvious fact that Winehouse and I shared an affliction, the disease of addiction. All addicts, regardless of the substance or their social status share a consistent and obvious symptom; they’re not quite present when you talk to them. They communicate to you through a barely discernible but un-ignorable veil. Whether a homeless smack head troubling you for 50p for a cup of tea or a coked-up, pinstriped exec foaming off about his “speedboat” there is a toxic aura that prevents connection. They have about them the air of elsewhere, that they’re looking through you to somewhere else they’d rather be. And of course they are. The priority of any addict is to anaesthetise the pain of living to ease the passage of the day with some purchased relief.

From time to time I’d bump into Amy she had good banter so we could chat a bit and have a laugh, she was “a character” but that world was riddled with half cut, doped up chancers, I was one of them, even in early recovery I was kept afloat only by clinging to the bodies of strangers so Winehouse, but for her gentle quirks didn’t especially register.

Then she became massively famous and I was pleased to see her acknowledged but mostly baffled because I’d not experienced her work and this not being the 1950’s I wondered how a “jazz singer” had achieved such cultural prominence. I wasn’t curious enough to do anything so extreme as listen to her music or go to one of her gigs, I was becoming famous myself at the time and that was an all consuming experience. It was only by chance that I attended a Paul Weller gig at the Roundhouse that I ever saw her live.

I arrived late and as I made my way to the audience through the plastic smiles and plastic cups I heard the rolling, wondrous resonance of a female vocal. Entering the space I saw Amy on stage with Weller and his band; and then the awe. The awe that envelops when witnessing a genius. From her oddly dainty presence that voice, a voice that seemed not to come from her but from somewhere beyond even Billie and Ella, from the font of all greatness. A voice that was filled with such power and pain that it was at once entirely human yet laced with the divine. My ears, my mouth, my heart and mind all instantly opened. Winehouse. Winehouse? Winehouse! That twerp, all eyeliner and lager dithering up Chalk Farm Road under a back-combed barnet, the lips that I’d only seen clenching a fishwife fag and dribbling curses now a portal for this holy sound. So now I knew. She wasn’t just some hapless wannabe, yet another pissed up nit who was never gonna make it, nor was she even a ten-a-penny-chanteuse enjoying her fifteen minutes. She was a fucking genius.

Shallow fool that I am I now regarded her in a different light, the light that blazed down from heaven when she sang. That lit her up now and a new phase in our friendship began. She came on a few of my TV and radio shows, I still saw her about but now attended to her with a little more interest. Publicly though, Amy increasingly became defined by her addiction. Our media though is more interested in tragedy than talent, so the ink began to defect from praising her gift to chronicling her downfall. The destructive personal relationships, the blood soaked ballet slippers, the aborted shows, that youtube madness with the baby mice. In the public perception this ephemeral tittle-tattle replaced her timeless talent. This and her manner in our occasional meetings brought home to me the severity of her condition. Addiction is a serious disease; it will end with jail, mental institutions or death. I was 27 years old when through the friendship and help of Chip Somers of the treatment centre, Focus12 I found recovery, through Focus I was introduced to support fellowships for alcoholics and drug addicts which are very easy to find and open to anybody with a desire to stop drinking and without which I would not be alive.

Now Amy Winehouse is dead, like many others whose unnecessary deaths have been retrospectively romanticised, at 27 years old. Whether this tragedy was preventable or not is now irrelevant. It is not preventable today. We have lost a beautiful and talented woman to this disease. Not all addicts have Amy’s incredible talent. Or Kurt’s or Jimi’s or Janis’s, some people just get the affliction. All we can do is adapt the way we view this condition, not as a crime or a romantic affectation but as a disease that will kill. We need to review the way society treats addicts, not as criminals but as sick people in need of care. We need to look at the way our government funds rehabilitation. It is cheaper to rehabilitate an addict than to send them to prison, so criminalisation doesn’t even make economic sense. Not all of us know someone with the incredible talent that Amy had but we all know drunks and junkies and they all need help and the help is out there. All they have to do is pick up the phone and make the call. Or not. Either way, there will be a phone call.

- russell brand 

RIP amy winehouse.  

090711

july 9 marks a significant time in our malaysian history. this is what inspiration, hopes and dreams are made of.

let me tell you honestly, weeks before this date when the online world was buzzing with bersih 2.0, i was clueless. i didn't know what it was about, what it was fighting for and what the implications would be on the country. until a car ride a few weeks ago got me wondering. i was in the back seat, like a child eavesdropping on her parents discussing 'adult' things. except this wasn't my parents but my friends. they were talking about attending bersih while i sat in the backseat silent not because i wasn't included in the conversation but because i didn't know what bersih was about.

not wanting to be left out, i started reading on bersih. from following them on twitter to getting the lowdown on their official website. and that's when i got educated. slowly i started reading up on news and updates leading up to the rally day. i didn't know what to expect on that fateful saturday. i was even worried that people might not show up because of the many obstacles the law enforcement imposed on the week of the rally. roadblocks being the main hindrance, truly testing the patience of the rakyat. but that was not an obstacle at all for the tens of thousands of malaysians, taking the walk of peace.

i wasn't there. i never planned to go. giving excuses of not knowing how to go downtown to convincing myself that the parental units wouldn't let me (i didn't ask so i could be wrong on this) to fearing of getting caught. but i supported the cause. that i did. the only physical way i could show my support was by wearing my yellow t-shirt. i read the live tweets and could only imagine what it was like. by nighttime, videos and news on the rally slowly sprouted all over the web. personal bersih stories were being told on twitter and on youtube. and the PMs responds to the whole incident wound its way to the local news channels, tv and newspapers.

at 12 midnight i caught the midnight news, telling my dad "i want to see what lies are being reported" and what hidden truths indeed. twisting facts and creating reports on things that really didn't matter at all when it came to looking at the bigger picture i.e. businesses being badly affected (apparently business was booming if stories told are to be believed) and how the people who were detained by the police are well taken care of (served good food and given proper resting place). uh-huh, like that really truly matters when we're fighting for a cause that is gonna make a difference.

i didn't think it possible but some of the stories and videos i've read and seen have brought tears to my eyes. i'm tearing up for my country. i'm not the most patriotic person on the street but this, this just made me feel the love. the solidarity, the unity, the peaceful malaysians walking together and helping one another. wow. i wasn't reading a fictional novel, this was the real damn thing! read #bersihstories on twitter, they are truly heartwarming stories of how malaysians reacted to the chaos and havoc provided by the police might i add. being tear gassed, beaten up and manhandled roughly, these are people we trust to protect us. very unfortunate that they chose instead to behave like gangsters. videos and personal accounts are proof of that despite ministers proclaiming otherwise on mainstream media.

what takes the cake is the PM himself. saw a video of him belittling the effects of a tear gas. i'm not gonna say anymore on that. i think there are plenty of videos going around the web that can speak for itself. what's even sadder is the lies being spread by the masses by the mainstream media. lies everywhere on the front page of newspapers to the headlines on local news channels. thankfully, this is the era of social media where both sides of the story can be seen and heard. any form of judgement can be made with basis unlike that of the ones highlighted to the masses, one sided and highly biased. my blood boils every time i read the lies published. like a bad car crash, it's hard for me not to see the lies they spin to keep themselves afloat.

this time, we cannot ignore it. a change is a coming!

think i need a ginger ale

"i would like them to know that i have an interest in pursuing the advertising industry. after attending a talk by a major advertising agency, my passion has been fueled. i'll probably head in that direction after graduating. just so the advertisers should know, i do get curious as to how a great piece of advertisement is produced. i do think about the processes that goes through into producing such great ads. therefore, would love to see the 'inside' of an advertisement and hopefully be part of this creative process which i find highly fascinating."

i wrote that probably around 3 or 4 years ago when i was young, naive and full of optimism. found this stored in one of my many profile descriptions and couldn't help but publish it somewhere permanent so that i can look back at this and reflect.

i should probably tell my young self that i have made it. woohoohoohoo! but as my current self discovers, nothing's permanent. i thought i knew but i don't. even now i still don't. i'm making new discoveries yet again.

experience. nothing, and i mean nothing beats having your own experience. so here i am, collecting experiences and making life decisions one step at a time. prior to my first experience of the real world, i was sheltered and protected. my worries were not national disasters. heck, i probably had no worries except for what should i eat for lunch wtf. but as experiences have taught me, one truth that i have been led to believe would be my alpha and omega wasn't exactly so as experience is teaching me now. what i started out hating is slowly making it's presence felt.

hate comes from fear. fear of failing. fear of rising to the challenge. but with all that i have gathered in my jar, i'm beginning to see a different shade of light and slowly gaining new perspective. despite the uncertainness, i don't fear as much. my level of fear isn't at the level that it was when i first stepped foot outside. if anything, i'm beginning to conquer this fear because i know that

I can do everything through Him who gives me strength (Philippians 4:13) 


my words of comfort. 

i think i wanna marry you

just witnessed 2 hours of metal vs. metal glory in the worst possible seating position which was visually challenging to the eyes and mentally challenging. transformers 3 baybeh.

man, do these people buy advanced tickets or what!? it was FULL HOUSE and we bought tickets noon time which explains the worst possible seating ever. SECOND row from the screen. my butt literally hurt when i walked out of the cinema. i was seating more on the bones of my butt than the 2 'cushions' God so graciously blessed us with. at least the neck was supported. we win some and lose some wtf.

which also explains the visual challenge. man, the screen was huge and it was at a curved angle. we were seated at the side you see so it was just NOT GOOD. at one point, skinny sexy rosie huntington-whiteley looked huge with unattractive shoulders and a face that just smacked my eyes. which was really weird cause shia labeouf who was also in the same shot looked smaller compared to her. whatever it is, the position i was seating in was just uncomfortable and all upclose shots were just distorted from my point of view but in pictures, rosie is really hot. i can't deny that otherwise i'd just sound like a jealous bitch. but i know better than to compare myself to a victoria's secret model. just saying. ( fyi, i'm refraining from putting in hashtags in here. signs of me being a twitwhore wtf)

image taken from here

discomfort aside, i thought this movie was pretty awesome visually. you've got the cool machines, cars, lady and leading man with a great movie score. what more do you want from a blockbuster movie? nobody really cares about the acting. i've read reviews that mentioned rosie's acting made megan fox's look like shakespeare. seriously, people!? let's not be so harsh on a movie that intends to kick box-office butt. we leave the harsh criticism to the oscars. i'd spend rm10 again on this movie but with a better view next time. wait, i take that back. i'd wait to catch it on HBO HD cause honestly, with HD tv, cinema reel quality is just so blah. all those lines and blurs, HD tv has spoiled me wtf.

to be honest, i didn't really catch the storyline cause at some point i would get distracted and not pay attention to the dialogue but trust me, you'll get it eventually. all you need to know is that there's a war between the autobots and decepticons. as the previous 2 transformers have established wtf.

tranformers 3: dark of the moon is a movie for those who are into this sort of thing. my mum commented that it was such a 'kiddie movie' oh the blasphemy and my dad, i think he enjoyed it although i did catch him snoozing at the slow bits. my brother was captivated throughout and me? i actually like it. i'd say that if you enjoyed fast five and thor, this would be up your alley too just cause it's a movie with loud action. i love my romantic comedies just as much as i love my action flicks! the sound of metal crushing metal is music to my ears. by the way, john malkovich is in it too! i found that really cool i dont know why.

ps: i really like shia labeouf. now that is the kind of guy i would like to date.

i scream

when the fight isn't worth it anymore, watch ANTM Cycle 16 on youtube wtf. like seriously. or go watch a romantic thai comedy on youtube (i recommend bangkok traffic love story and hello, stranger cause that's the only two i've watched)

been a lil' on edge this week due to reasons only known to me (girl issues wtf). plus reading the newspaper today just pisses me off which is why i hardly ever read the papers anymore. only the entertainment section for the horoscopes, comics and cinema listings. i've just revealed my mental age wtf.

title-less

i had a false alarm. i thought i could leave early from work today. early by definition in this context is 10pm. don't get your hopes up, kids. so many things i work on that they just mash together into one gigantic blob till i realized i DO have something to sign off on :(

so it's 10.07pm and i'm here in the office with a one man band sitting next to me -____- singing out loud because there's no speaker in sight where he then decides upon himself to entertain the rest of us.

so many i wanna go home songs running through my head right now.

big bang

my skin is dry from the constant exposure to the air-conditioning in the office and at home when i go to sleep although i do slather on a fairly generous amount of moisturiser on my face, arms and legs before i head to bed.

there's a loud siren in the background. an SMS tone it seems. but one that just burns constant reminders of how unfortunate the few of us who are still in the office at 11.17pm are feeling. the alarms go in our heads but there's really no escape. get the job done. even if we know that NOTHING gets done at this hour. because really, who is going to keep awake to give you an approval now? urgh. trust me on this, there are many flaws in the way things are running here that it's not even funny. i could write forever on this and still there will not be enough to convey how fucked up this situation is. but i will not go there. not tonight. my tolerance of idiot-ism can only tolerate as much. maybe perhaps one day when all my pent-up frustration needs an outlet, i will regale you with stories and anecdotes of this mad world. they don't call them mad men for nothing wtf.

it's now 11.25pm. last night, i was in the same position as i am now. waiting. tick tock tick tock. (this reminds me of gwen stefani's first single what you waiting for) every night, they tell you the same bull shit. it's going out tonight. fuck you. the bloody brief came in 2 fuckin days ago. there is no way in hell it will go out tonight. but of course they'll spin you a tale of crap cause they need it by the end of the week. go figure. they had the whole day to look at it and give whatever comments they had to say. but of course, if only life were as simple as telling you within the working hours of 9am to 6pm what sort of changes they want. hell to the no, sistah! you should be so lucky. they love telling you changes at 11pm because apparently they're vampires. they only come alive when the sun goes down.

now that's an anecdote right there. note that down, folks. we here just love sitting around waiting for these bloodsuckers to tell us what to do at 12am.

if things really did go out at the end of the ordeal, i would say ok at least i waited for a reason. but again, i tell you, i should be so lucky. they'll tell you they can't get the approval they need so we'll continue tomorrow, folks! i can say WHAT THE FUCK or i can just say I TOLD YOU SO. but that would just mean that i'm the fool.

but i won't be the fool for much longer. not if i have any say and control of my life and the destiny that i am supposed to fulfil wtf.

so on days like these, i will tell myself, this will all be over someday soon. you know why? cos baby you're a firework, come on show 'em what you're worth. yes, katy perry, i will make them go oh oh OWH!

your song reminds me of swimming

everyday, things change.

i grow a little wiser, i grow a little wearier and i grow a little sideways wtf true story.

made the mistake of weighing myself last weekend and i can't wrap my head around the fact that i've gained weight +___+ i'm so sad that i actually have a really good appetite for food these days wtf and i'm not even having my monthly visit yet! fml.

but i digress.

my plans keep changing as the earth keeps turning on it's axis and the gravity is still holding all of us down and the sun still shines at the right time of the day and i still complain about life being a pain in the ass. once again, i should be crowned miss fickle. maybe i should get a 'little miss' shirt with those exact labeling. i've never really realized it but it's come to the point that everyday i have different ambitions in life. this is worst that when i was 8 and i told my parents i wanted to be an air stewardess and then probably the year after that i told them i wanted to be a teacher and then doctor.

fyi, i'm none of the above. being an air stewardess isn't a viable option. i've come to accept the fact i am vertically challenged to be even considered. case closed. being a doctor? let's just say my intelligence level isn't up to standard wtf. grey's anatomy is enough for me.

i'm still finding my footing. this search will be long and arduous. and boy do i know how arduous it's gonna be. like i said earlier, i keep changing my paths that i have to literally tell myself to STICK TO THE BLOODY PLAN!

i made a pact with myself wtf. the plan is laid out and i'm trying to stick to it. barely really. everyday, i come up with an escape route and everyday, new routes keeping popping up that i have to yank myself back down. take a chill pill wtf. i have come to terms with my current situation and while i am looking for alternatives, i figured i should enjoy the situation that i am in right now and maybe write about it? now that's a thought, hmm...

i may not have a wealth of experience but i've got enough right now to start off with and i'm sure i've got at least an audience of one who would be interested in reading about my adventures, eh? i am afterall a writer, ahem, writing major.

ohhh...i feel a new project brewing! watch this space wtf.

by the way, as an ending to this, an interesting conversation piece came up after work. me and a colleague left about 8-ish pm and we were saying whoah this is early!

-_____-

for somebody else NOT in this industry, this would be way past overtime. way way way over. and they'd probably be cursing, spitting and throwing tantrums. yeah, been there, done that.

acceptance is key.

hope keeps the engine running smoothly.

i need an ambulance, i took the worst of the blow

sometimes, it's so much easier to take things into my own hands and not worry about consequences. all we do is really worry. what will happen now? later? a year from now?

one day i'm all hot and bothered. and then there are days where i'm just cool and chill and whatever. but at the back of my mind is where the action takes place. i think, analyze, rationalize, argue, counter-argue, defend, breakdown. sometimes, the mind overworks and i just don't know what to do with myself. so many things going on at once that it's difficult to separate the thoughts from the chaos. where do you draw the line between real and what you think is real?

there doesn't seem to be any realness where i am now. everything seems so superficial and material. two-faced. playing pretend. i don't know what's real anymore. i've always been going with the flow and that has served me pretty well till i started dictating what i wanted. i wish i could place the blame on someone and i think i did initially cause it was so much easier to have a target to aim at. all that pent up emotions, good or bad, was made clearer when i knew who and what to direct it at. but ultimately, after getting through the stage of denial, the only person to point fingers at it is me.

it's my own mistake to make. i'm taking this as a learning curve where i take responsibility for what happens next. right now, i am at another crossroads. another of life's junctions thrown at me. despite what i'm feeling, i never fear because

¹³ I can do all this through him who gives me strength.

Philippians 4:13

it just doesn't seem real with no connection. there's a need to feel solid ground, warmth and connected. feelin' disconnected and living on a thin red line of superficiality with no real purpose and objective. headless chicken pecking around in the darkness, hands grasping at emptiness and heart filled with false aspirations and motivations. constantly consoling and rationalizing, filling the void with empty promises and words. the truest of true so taboo.

don't worry. i'm fine as fine can be. am just living life as life should be lived. no manuals or shortcuts dictating or directing. just livin' life the way it should be lived. i just find it therapeutic to jot down words, giving the conundrum a structured organizational flow. compartmentalizing the thoughts.

makeup heaven

that's it!?

i expected it to be bigger!

but then i got distracted when i saw pink everything on the shelves of soap&glory from the corner of my eye. i'm a sucker for packaging. and the colour pink. and the feet goes where the eyes see. i picked up everything! read what sweet goodness laid behind this tube and that jar and wanted to take home one of each!

body lotion? i want!

foot cream? i want!

shower gel? i want!

it's moments like these i'm thankful i have a rational side to me. the side of me where i reason with myself and tell myself NO! i dont need another body lotion cos i still have enough to last me for eternity. nor do i need a body scrub since i've already got one sitting in my bathroom that i hardly use. to be honest, i can probably count on one hand the amount of times i've used it. that decision however is regretted cos upon inspection just now, i think the body scrub can no longer be used. NOOOOOOO!!! i should have bought the body scrub that would make me smell like candy and give me the scrub of my life as promised on the packaging!

and so, i walked away.

and came face to face with bare minerals!

i first heard of this brand on TV. i was probably having breakfast when the ad came out and as the host kept detailing the benefits of mineral makeup, the more i wanted one. i was sold and THIS close to picking up the phone to order one! but of course, the rational me came in to save the day till i met a friend who was using bare minerals. i researched about it by asking all the right relevant questions and there was no turning back. i got myself the Get Started kit and have been using it ever since.

i'm happy this brand is finally in our shores. now i can easily get my refill and maybe the traveling sized brush that just pours out the powder as i dust it on my face. or maybe not. separation between wants and needs. separation between wants and needs. i need to instill this deep in my head.

moving on, urban decay! another brand that's brought in. yay! i'm currently using their eye primer and one of the eyeshadow palettes called get baked. the really popular palette is the naked palette and i can see why! the colours are earthy tones which i like. the ones sold here comes with a brush and a mini eye primer potion priced at RM175.

once again, i was tempted. separation between want and need. seriously, if i had the power of impulsiveness in me, i'd be very broke but very happy wtf.

then there were the nail colours and you know the best is from OPI. colour choices? you'd be better of with more variety at colour culture, IMHO.

if you hadnt already figured it out, i was at sephora today. was pretty excited to finally see what exciting new brands they brought in besides the standard brands we already have here. as mentioned above plus a few other brands like too faced, smashbox, korres, phyto and their very own sephora brand, i'd say its a good start. at least now we have brands that were once out of reach available right here in the heart of KL. or if we were that desperate, hop on over to our neighbouring sephora in singapore where i was also THIS close to buying an eyeshadow palette from urban decay. again with the eyeshadows. self-control is all i can say. it's a powerful word too wtf.

pic taken by winnie

my only vice is that the store isnt big enough and there isn't enough brand variety brought in. even the range of products for certain brands wasn't extensive. or maybe i had higher expectations. whatever it is, i'm just finally glad we have a sephora in our shores now. no more fake shopping on sephora.com wtf.

monkey

today, i lived up to the bruno mars 'lazy song'. when he sang today i dont feel like doing anything. i just wanna lay in my bed, i literally did just that. lazed in bed for half an hour after waking up trying to go back to sleep again just because i can and then dragged myself out of bed, brushed my teeth and went downstairs for breakfast. in my pyjamas. oh i havent done that in a looooong time! i used to do it all the time when i was younger. but back then, it was to plop myself infront of the TV to watch the saturday morning cartoons!

today i relived part of my childhood. i had my breakfast and plopped myself infront of the TV. watched a movie and got my celebrity updates. however, this isnt really the whole point of the story.

what i really wanted to say was what my brother had to say to me when he saw me in my pyjamas infront of the TV.

"you're just like me" and proceeded to give me a very wide smile!

"and that's a good thing, eh?"

"yeah" with another wider smile.

hidden play things

for the first time in a long time, i logged into my flickr account. i've only posted 2 photos and looking at it, it's got me wanting to play with my camera again!

if only i can find it...

fact checker

it irks me when people spell macaron as macaroon. get your facts right. i know i did.

black friday on a Good Friday.

my day started at 12-ish pm. it was the first time i switched off my alarm on a weekday. yes, friday is a weekday too. i couldn't let the alarm wake me this time because i needed my body to sleep and wake up when it was ready too. it has been a crazy 4 day work day this week. i guess it was the universe's way of telling me to pay back the time that i missed on the days that i was off. which was crazy.

so my day started at 12pm when i woke up, showered, lunched and headed to work. as my usual routine goes, i would park my car and walk to my office building which takes less than 10 minutes walk. smart me squeezed into a tight spot and couldn't get out from the driver's side. i cleverly thought that i was 'skinny' enough to squeeze myself out but i wasn't 'skinny' enough. so i restarted my car to repark again.

key in ignition. turn to start. car starts.

that's how it should have gone.

key in ignition. turn to start. car doesn't start.

+_________+

i try again.

and again.

and again.

great. add in the fact that there was no reception in the carpark, i couldn't call for help. and i couldn't get out from the drivers side so i had to climb over to the passenger side to get out. my brilliance sometimes amazes me.

i decide to make the call for help in the office and thus proceeded the walk to my office. barely 50 steps out, it POURS. not drizzle, mind you. BIG FAT RAINDROPS! the only saving grace? i carry a foldable umbrella in my bag for days such as this.

could my day not get any worst? first the car and now the rain. and then i get into the office and receives news that there are changes to the job that i've been working on for the past 3 days. strike gold today.

had a brief meeting to discuss the job but my mind was worried about the car. and my face showed it. i was preoccupied with so many things, nothing really made sense. but there's always a silver lining in every cloud. and the day slowly got better.

i was surprised with a cupcake cause it's my birthday month! so that instantly perked me. i'm so easy to please. then the mechanic came to help with the car situation which wasn't a situation afterall cause the car started just fine with no hiccups whatsoever. figures la. and work was done for me!

and i went for service today which was very different. loads of reflection to do. it really highlights the great sacrifice Jesus did. He died for our sins.

so what started out as an unfortunate day turned around to be a pretty good one.

have a good Easter!

i miss being

a student.

a graduate.

a carefree being.

i miss worrying only about completing assignments and hoping to be able to graduate and then figuring it out from there. but now that i am in the figuring it out part, it sucks. nobody and nothing prepares you for this. even when i think i've got it all covered.

time keeper.

i'm the kind of person who ALWAYS wears a watch whenever i'm out of the house. i get really uneasy when i don't know the time. it's like i'm chasing after something wtf. but about a couple of months ago, i didn't want to wear my watch. i felt restricted by it. as if my every movement was being timed and that it felt like i was also running or rushing for something.

in my previous job, i needed my watch to keep me punctual. i would have to constantly look at the time to make sure i was not late for my appointment. often times i'd have back to back appointments and keeping time was a necessity! but it was at this time that i felt the restriction of wearing my watch. it was weighing me down. my hand felt heavier and many a times, i found myself taking my watch off. and it was then that i felt the liberation of not knowing what time it was! i was constantly keeping check of myself. i felt the freedom to move about and just be. it was so easy for me to just look at my watch to know what time of the day it was and what the next plan was going to be. without my watch, i was a child without a care. skipping through green hills and picking berries from bushes. this was probably the time i felt actual freedom. freedom from time. not worrying about the future and just focusing on the present.

and then, that careless abandon left me and i was back to being the time keeper. constantly feeling reassured that control was back in my hands. that i had a to-do list to accomplish by the end of the day. my wrist would feel bare without the warmth of the leather strap and cold stainless steel surface of the watch. my hands were a lil' too light.

and so i resorted to wearing my watch again. periodically looking at it to make sure there was enough time to do the things that i had to do.

when i needed the time the most, i left it and felt liberated. and now that i'm not worried so much about time, i wear it constantly. reminding me of how important it is to know the time. there's a mix reaction now. there are times where i just feel like not wearing my watch but because of habit, i always put it on. and if i'm really conscious about it, i'll just take it off and stuff it in my bag and feel that freedom again.

wishing well

“I have always believed that writing advertisements is the second most profitable form of writing. The first, of course, is ransom notes.”
Phil Dusenberry

taken from here

this somehow gives me a sense of direction in life. it's been a month and a week. tomorrow marking a month and 2 weeks. a colleague mentioned that i should have a drink to mark the one month period. i didn't. i should have and i would have had i had enough money to buy myself a drink. a pint of guinness would have been the choice seeing as i've never actually had a pint of guinness before but it seemed like such a grown up choice of alcoholic beverage. i've taken a sip of it and liked the smoothness of it but never a pint to myself.

a friend mentioned that i should go out more. socialize more. meet new people. i would if i wasn't so damn tired every time i switch off my computer in the office. clubs? i seem to develop a very unfriendly stance towards clubbing. and i don't think i'd like to meet someone in a club or would i? its so noisy and the only way you can hear what the other person is saying is if they come really up close in your breathing space or it's a shout fest. i'd rather stay home. but staying home won't let me meet new people. going out would.

and by going out, i would really like to sit somewhere where ice-creams and cake and milkshakes and the odd tong sui and wor peng would be served! and that's what i'd like to do. serve desserts cause everyone ALWAYS has space for desserts :)